Tuesday, December 18, 2012

The Voices in My Head

I found the drawing below online and it immediately resonated with me. I don't remember which post it was, but I remember writing about how I feel like I'm in the middle of a room, surrounded by evil spirits that are constantly whispering temptations and bad thoughts in my ear.

Depending where I am at mentally and in my recovery, sometimes I can block those voices out; but other times I perk my ears up and listen and obey. It is a constant battle and I do grow ever so weary of fighting it. And the sad reality of it all is that this battle will forever be going on in my head. Once an addict, always an addict.

Nevertheless, today I feel good and strong and have clarity of mind. I feel grounded in my recovery. I am one week abstinent and sober.

Since it's Christmastime, here's a quote I like from once of the carols sung in the movie "A Christmas Carol":

"So grant us all a change of heart, Rejoice for Mary's son! Pray peace on earth to all mankind, God bless us everyone!"

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

12/12/12 - A Fresh Start

Today is 12/12/12. What a better day to climb back on the wagon and get re-focused.

Game plan:

~ More social interaction (lunches, phone calls, meetings, involvement, etc). No isolating!

~ I would like to start jogging (exercise). I think this will help me feel better about myself and help w/ keeping my mind clear and invigorated.

~ I have been slacking in my AM prayers. I'm going to start doing them again every day, AM & PM, on my knees!

~ Continuing to stay away from people, places, websites, etc. that may be triggering.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

iPhone Woes

My co-worker installed a block on my computer at work so I can't go to the Craigslist website anymore and view personal ads; which has really helped me stay on track while at work. I can honestly say I have not been tempted to try and go to that website or really view anything else that might be questionable on my work machine. Let me clarify however, that aside from Craigslist ads, I never really did have a problem w/ viewing porn or anything else risque on my computer while at work. Shock, shock!

Nevertheless, lately I've had started to have a HUGE problem w/ watching porn on my (work) iphone. I never did this before b/c I was afraid it would appear on the bill or in the data files or something like that (which it does, I found out). The last 6 weeks while at work, I have been escaping off to the private bathroom to watch Xtube and beat off. Sometimes I can go a week or so w/o being bad and viewing any porn and masturbating while at work, but other days I'll really be naughty and watch it and jack off sometimes 3-6 times a day.

Last week I found out that all my viewing activity at work (since I'm using the wireless network at work) IS being logged and potentially being tracked. Gulp. I about shit my pants! Can you imagine being let go from a job I have held for 5 years b/c of porn? How shameful and embarrassing! I can't even imagine having to tell my wife that I could no longer provide for her and our family b/c of my porn/sex addiction. Well, this news about my iphone activity being tracked stopped me dead in my tracks immediately and I have not been tempted to view porn again while at work and use work's wireless connection. And I know I never will again.

However, this has not stopped me from getting into a nasty little habit of using my wireless connection at home to watch Xtube and take care of business there. Last night my wife went Christmas shopping and left me home alone to my own devices. Needless to say, the struggle "should I or shouldn't I" wasn't too long or difficult at all. Hardly had she driven down the street (the kids were all asleep) until I had dropped my pants, and started getting off while watching the most hardcore, trashy porn I could find. I ended up masturbating 4 times in a row until my dick was actually throbbing and rubbed raw. :P What the fuck is wrong w/ me?

On a ligher side, I've done some research and found out I can turn off the internet option on my iphone and have the internet access completely restricted w/ a passcode lock. I'm going to have my I.T. friend shut off my internet connection and put in his passcode lock so there will not be anyway I can access the internet, thus helping me stay off the fucking porn sites!

It's funny that I'm building all these fortifications and precautionary walls around myself (for recovery's sake) yet I still feel so out of control. I don't necessarily feel like I'm going to do anything too bad; but still, my resistance is at an all time low. It seems I only have to have a single lustful thought go through my head once and I'm immediately in tossing off in the bathroom.

Thank goodness I've continued to stay away from people and places that may cause me to fall BIG TIME. BUt I realize it's only a matter of time until temptation just proves too much that I'm starting to cruise for real life voyeuristic sexual encounters or frequenting bath houses and sex shope.

Let's just hope these corrective actions I am taking will pay off in the end and I can re-take control of the wheel from my D.P. before it's too late.

Friday, November 16, 2012

Preventative Measures

One of my biggest weaknesses and something that has been the biggest detriment to my recovery and has been leading to my downward spiral this past month is surfing Craigslist personal ads while at work. When I begin surfing these ads, I can count on the whole rest of my day going to pot and me acting out sometime later.

I have not ever posted an ad but I have sure have responded to a large share of them. Not to mention the risk I take when I look at the ads that have pictures posted w/ them while I'm at work. Sometimes these are really raunchy pictures. :P

I have come as close as one can to actually hooking up w/ one of these guys. Thankfully I have had someone watching over me which has aided in keeping me "safe" b/c every time I try to hook up w/ one of them something gets in my way.

I have responded to ads looking for everything from mutual jo & watching porn to hardcore sounding, fisting, pissing, and group S&M action. I like to think that if and when I had actually been in the situation I woulnd't have participated in any of the activities, except watching and jacking off; but who knows for sure!?

What's sick is I have used an email address to respond to these ads that is the same username as my FB account! So if any of these guys had any brains they could easily do a google search of my email username/handle and it would have brought up my full identity and picture. How scary is that!?
Anyhow, I have an IT friend at work that knows about me and my addiction. Desperate, I went to him and asked if it is possible to put a block on my computer of any and all "Craigslist" websites so that I cannot go to any of those websites no matter what. He placed a block on my computer yesterday and I am optimistic that it will help keep me sober and more focused at work going forward. Plus, he was able to fix it so I can't even weasel my way around to the website some other way. I am thankful for him and for his compassion and his understanding and that I am able to trust him w/ these sad issues of mine. It's nice to have somebody I can rely on at work to help me in my recovery and that sincerely wants to help me succeed in overcoming my DP.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Spinning my Wheels

Man, ever since I fell off the wagon a month ago it sure feels like I've been spinning my wheels. I just can't seem to get a grip. My eating/weight/etc (which is a HUGE trigger for me) has really gone to pot. Ordinarily by now when I've had enough of my pants getting tighter and feeling like shit about myself I'll get a grip and put myself on some stringent diet or something. But lately it seems like I just can't get control. :P

Then there's my DP. True, I haven't acted out, surfed porn, cruised, etc. for almost a week now but it's not as if I haven't wanted to. He's bubbling under the surface just waiting to rear his ugly head when I've had too bad of a day, or when finances are a little too tight, or when my self esteem (due to my weight gain) is a little too low, yada yada.

I wish I could say I was solid in my recovery, but I can't. Yes, I want to be healthy. No, I don't want to live a life of shallow fuckery and lose everything I hold dear. But there is a big differenc between abstinence and being sober. And lately it seems like I am anything BUT sober.

Monday, November 5, 2012

Spinning & Losing Control

I am again spinning out of control in my addiction. The scary thing is I have no idea where it's all coming from and I feel too weak to fight it. I'm so scared.

Last Thursday my DP took control first thing in the morning and my whole day just went to shit after that. I began by surfing Craigslist ads. And of course there was a posting for exactly what I've been looking for: hard core sounding. Plus fisting, which intrigues me. Not that I would ever do it w/ somebody but I'd sure as shit love to watch it in person.

So this guy and I emailed back and forth all day and he sends me pics of him sounding and being fisted and the different sounding tools he's got. I got so fucking turned on and would have met up w/ him in a heartbeat that day; hell, I would've even paid for a hotel. But he couldn't meet until Fri or Sat. and (of course) I couldn't wait...I wanted it now! But his pictures had me going so bad that I actually responded to a bunch of other CL ads looking for a hook up. One of the guys invited me to his hotel room to suck me off. I knew I wouldn't let him touch me; I planned on just meeting him to jack off together. I went to the hotel and actually went inside and walked around the halls and sent him an email I was there. I couldn't stop!

Then, right at the last minute I freaked out (nervous about the situation) and bee-lined it out of there. I parked across the street and got a pop and tried to think things thru. Right then I got a call from a friend in group and we talked things out and I suddenly had a wave of sorrow and disgusting self-realization sweep over me about what the fuck I was doing. I sobbed and sobbed and drove straight home and told my wife about everything. She read my emails and saw the pictures and while I was embarrassed and disgusted w/ myself (being being back in a sane state of mind finally) she was understanding and loving and forgiving, as always.

I am truly blessed to have her in my life and for our beautiful family and am sick to think how fast I put them 2nd over this fucking addiction.

After all that, the weekend was really good but I have to admit thoughts about the sounding guy were in the back of my mind.

This morning when I got to work I immediately jumped back on CL and started surfing ads. I decided to send him an email to see if he was still around and it turns out he is local (of course) and could get together tomorrow. So now I'm faced w/ all that fuckin' temptation again. Do I or don't I? Do I a little bit or not at all and live w/ the "what if?"

All of this right on the heels of a beautiful weekend I spent w/ my family! Not to mention I was just set apart as the Primary Pianist in my ward. My stomach is in knots and holy shit, I'm sliding down fast and I can't stop. My curiosity and dark passenger has complete control of me. Each time I think of everything I have and all that I could lose it floats  out of my mind and I begin thinking about those hot, hardcore sounding/fisting pics.

I'm so fucked in life.
God, give me strength.

Thursday, October 18, 2012


Last night at SA group there were 3 new guys; all completely toned with nice bodies; obviously straight, and of course they were the macho, football-jock type. My usual "safe place" immediately became a hostile environment for my psyche.

Ordinarily my SA group is a positive place for me to be. It helps me feel those feelings of acceptance and belonging I so desperately desire in my life. Rather than me feeling like I'm ostracized and don't fit in or am not one of the boys, I am able to have a lot of good, healthy, non-sexual connections and interactions.

Yet when a guy I don't know and that to me "epitomizes" masculinity, I feel extremely uneasy, intimidated, and usually get really quiet and tense. I feel like every move I make, every word I say, etc. is being scrutinized and judged by these new, butch boys and that they see me as all the other assholes back in Jr. High and High School saw me: as a femmy, cock-sucking faggot.

It is only until I get to know them better and develop a relationship/friendship w/ them that I can begin to relax and act like my old self. When I'm comfortable in a group I am in and feel that sense of trust and connection w/ the men, I'm actually really fun, open, laid back, and bring a good spirit to the room. But the moment I feel threatened or intimidated by a macho guy...oh boy....it's a recipe for disaster: mentally, emotionally, and sexually.

I love the picture I have included below b/c I thought it really represents how I feel among guys sometimes:

A) It is me all alone on the opposite side, obviously not belonging or fitting in.
B) I am different from the others.
C) There are more of them than me.
D) They are powerful and strong and intimidate.

Monday, October 15, 2012


I had a vasectomy last Friday. The decision to have it and the eventual procedure has been a long time coming. I want to write about my experience.

When my wife and I found out we were (unexpectedly) pregnant w/ our 4th baby I knew then that was it and that I wanted to get myself fixed. But I decided to wait until after my wife had the baby.

After the baby was born, I made an appointment and had a consultation w/ a Urologist here in town. Needless to say, I was NOT impressed w/ this dude at all. As a sex addict, I had some genuine concerns. Primarily, I wanted to know what happens to the sperm after the vas has been cut. Does it just sit in my balls and slowly soak back into my system and fuck up my hormone level and make me even crazier than before? When I tried asking him this question (in a round about way, of course) he looked at me like I was stupid. I couldn't get out of that office fast enough. I cancelled the procedure and my wife and I decided we would hold off and give it a few years until we made things final.

Last spring I had a good, long talk w/ a dear friend of mine that really made me look at things in a new light. Our talk helped me realize that I don't want to have to go through life deciding what's best for the masses (all our children) rather than what's best for each individual child. I want to be there emotionally, mentally, and physically for each of my kids and to provide for them the best I can in every way possible. I knew that if we were to throw one more kid into the midst that we would be spreading ourselves really thin and quite possibly pass the breaking point. Plus, my wife and I have our own distinct, individual problems (my SSA and sex addiction; her scars from childhood and adolescence that has left her mentally/emotionally fragile). We both agreed that this was going to be our family here on earth and that we would focus on them and love them as much as we could. We both believe that after this life we will have the opportunity to parent more chidren. But for now, this is it.

The new Urologist I met w/ was very nice; completely opposite from the last asswad I met w/. I was a little nervous when he asked me to drop my pants so he could check me for testicular cancer and show me where he was going to make the incision. I have to admit I did start to get a stiffy. (Gulp!) But he told me he was done and I could pull up my pants just in the nick of time. Whew! HAHA

Last Thursday night my wife and I had some good sex and then the morning of my procedure we would have done it again, but we were rushing around too much. I decided to jump in the shower 1/2 hour before my appointment to make sure my junk was clean and fresh. I also wanted to masturbate one last time (of thousands) for my sperm's sake. Poor boys. Stupid rationale, I know, but it happened nonetheless. There was no fantasizing or any of that going on. It was just masturbation, plain and simple.

The procedure went well and despite having a slight tenderness on the sides of my testicles, that's pretty much it.

Now, this is where things get bad. :( My balls are shaved and since they are slightly swollen it has been a big turn on for me. I have been getting a lot of huge erections. I got in the tub to soak on Saturday afternoon (the day after my surgery) and really wanted to masturbate then. But the Urologist said to wait 7-10 days (why???). I was able to make it through Saturday, barely! but then yesterday I was again exceptionally horny all day. I tubbed again and was again totally turned on by the feel and look of myself, despite the tenderness. And actually, pain can be somewhat of a turn on for me too, especially in my balls when my wife squeezes them or pulls on them, so that has made the current situation that much more unbearable.

My addict took over and I couldn't think of anything else yesterday besides masturbating. I researched on the web what ejaculation is like after a vasectomy, how long I should wait, etc. and decided I couldn't wait any longer. I went upstairs alone and did my deed. Again, plain and simple masturbation. I did not fantasize or lust.

Everything was pretty much the same as it was before my vasectomy. There was no pain. No blood. My balls and the incision site did swell up a little bit afterwards, but that was it. I'm going to call my Urologist today and ask him if it was a bad thing that I didn't wait the 7-10 days.

Well reader, I hope you're not too disappointed in me. I actually feel ok about it all. I was able to make it 4 months w/o masturbating w/ is a HUGE thing for me. I'm not looking at it like I'm a failure or any of that. I just chalk it up to the circumstances surrounding all this w/ my junk lately that contributed to me falling off the wagon. Anyhow, I've reset my sobriety date and I'm ready to get back on the horse and continue forward.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

On the Verge

Today, is NOT a good day.

In the past 4 months, I have never wanted so much as to cruise and find someone to act out w/ as I do today, right now. I want to masturbate over and over again until my dick aches. I want to get appallingly freaky w/ myself. I want to surf the most dirty, raunchy porn I can find. I want to video chat or sext w/ someone. I want to surf craigslist ads until my brain is numb and my drool is pooling on my computer keyboard. I want to hide and sneak and and lie and go somewhere far away from everybody. I want to smoke cigarettes until my lungs hurt and I faint from the nicotine buzz. I want to drink a 1/5 of hard liquor until I feel buzzy and spinny and am totally zoned out. I want to find some potheads to maybe smoke a bong w/ and mess around w/ eachother while we're high.

I want to feel dirty and carnal and be consumed with my lust.

I feel like screaming! I feel so much anger, so much disgust, so much fear, so much worthlessness and yet I have absolutely NO desire to reach out for help. No desire to answer anybody's calls. No desire to kneel down and say a prayer and surrender these feelings to God.

In fact, I'm wallowing in them today like a pig in shit.

I have the shakes, my stomach is full of butterflies, I feel light headed and dizzy, I am shivering and cold, my teeth are chattering, my dick is throbbing and sensitive to the touch, I'm having a hard time concentrating and focusing, my throat keeps tightening and I have to keep swallowing to keep my gorge down. What is this?

Holy shit, it sincerely feels like a wild animal is inside me and wants out. It is almost unbearable...

Thursday, September 27, 2012

Cycle of the Werewolf

Well, I've completed a full addiction cyle. I screwed up, I felt remorseful, I put together my ABC list and have been doing pretty good at keeping myself crossed and I'm almost 4 months sober. Yet, I know I'm coming around again in my cycle b/c lately I've been feeling that all-too-familiar "tickle" in my guts.

The reason being (and I know it!): I have been getting lazy and complacent in some small, yet important aspects in my recovery. I haven't done anything really bad, but have definitely been letting myself slip into the yellow zone a lot:

--> Surfing FB profiles and piqueing my curiosity.
--> Reading 'triggering' media (articles about sex abuse, hazing rituals, etc).
--> Last night while having sex w/ my wife I fantasized about a new guy in my SA group. I don't fantasize myself doing anything w/ them, but I fantasize/imagine them engaging in sexual acts w/ others (sometimes male, sometimes female). Therefore I am not mentally or emotionally present while having sex w/ my wife.
--> I've been remembering past experiences and thinking about past relationships, sexual interludes, etc. I've been tempted to see what some of my past hook ups are up to these days.
--> I have been allowing myself to rubberneck a little bit at joggers and bikers while driving in my car.
--> I have been checking out guys below the waist (this is one of the worst and very triggering for me). This happens pretty frequently at work, group, church, etc. and I have a hard time shaking the images.
--> I have slacked in my support phone calls to my sponsor and other group members.
--> I haven't been as diligent in saying my morning prayers. I must pray at least 2 x's/day.
--> My conversations and language has been much more crass, vulgar, and unappropriate and highly, sexually charged.

There are a few more, but I thought these are the most noteworthy.
In conclusion, when it comes to my recovery, I must be more diligent and stringent. It really is a matter of life or death.
My DP is lurking in the shadows and is just waiting for the right opportunity to take control of the wheel again. :S

Monday, September 17, 2012

One Small Step, Yet Giant Leap in Recovery

One of my bottom line behaviors is masturbation - whether I do it alone, w/ someone else (mutual masturbation outside of my marriage), or even if my wife does it for me.

The reason I can't have my wife masturbate me is b/c while she is doing it I let my thoughts, fantasies, and memories run wild. Usually I think back on past porn I've watched or places I've been and experiences I've had. She knows it's against my ABCs and therefore we do not participate in it.

Yet, the other night I was really, really horny and my wife was at the height of her period :P She said we could still do it but I really didn't want to smear blood from hell to breakfast. So I asked her if she would just service me. She said, "I thought you weren't supposed to do that?" I said I would be ok. And it's funny, but even before we started I knew I would be.

The whole time she was doing it from beginning to end my thoughts did not wander even once. Rather than fantasizing or remembering past porn/acting out incidents and playing then over in my lustful mind as I geared up for climax, I instead focused on the sensations and really tried to make it be a 'mindful experience.' It was the first time (ever!?) I had a masturbatory experience and did not resort to fantasy or memories to get myself off. I felt really, really good (no pun intended) afterwards; not only b/c I had had a healthy, physical release, but b/c I had done it the right way and truly did have a mindful masturbatory experience.

I'm not goint to make this a regular occurance, but it really showed me that despite being only 3 months sober, I have really made some big strides in recovery!

Thursday, September 13, 2012

What To Do?!

I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and hard place...

Yesterday I celebrated my 3 month anniversary of sobriety (no masturbation, no cruising, no pornography, no voyeurism, etc). I have really grown a lot in the past 3 months and I feel like I am in a really good place and I have done it the RIGHT way (not just white knuckling it).

My 3 month sobriety anniversary also marks 3 months since I had a sexual encounter w/ another male. You can read about these encounters in some of my past blog posts. I got together w/ this guy several times on different occassions. The first couple of times I just watched him have (unprotected) sex w/ another guy and would masturbate while watching them, but would not touch them nor allow myself to be touched. But then he and I started getting together one on one alone and would hug and hold one another (naked) and masturbate together while laying w/ one another. No sexual intercourse (oral, anal, etc) ever happened, but the last time we got together he actually jacked me off and then ate my semen off my stomach after I ejaculated. This was my rock bottom/wake up call. I had crossed the line! I knew I had escalated in my addiction BIG TIME.

Aside from the sexual encounters, he and I also shared a lot w/ one another through text or talking. I told him I was married and had children and loved them more than anything and that I had a problem/addiction and was seeking recovery. I told him I did not want to do this w/ him ever again. He told me he knew he had a problem as well and wished he could control it. He told me he was married and that his wife did not know that A) he was cheating on her; and B) that it was w/ men.

Once when he gave me ride back to my car I saw his wife's student ID card w/ her full name. When I got back to work I decided to search for her on facebook and I found her profile and also his. I saw her, him, their beautiful family, wedding and vacation photos, etc. Since that day to this I have not been able to get her and his family out of my mind.

I feel like I am carrying a tremendous load b/c I have the sure knowledge that this girl's husband is frequently cheating on her by having anonymous sex w/ men. Add to this he is the receiving end of the sex and he is doing it unsafe/bareback. No condoms. He also has his phone number written on the bathroom stall looking for sex. This is the type of guy he is. Yet his wife has no idea this is happening! He could be putting her life in danger if they are sexually active together. Do you see my dilemma?

I asked him on several occasions if he had told his wife about his sexuality or addiciton or any of that and he said no, that it's not the right time. I firmly believe it is not my place to 'out' him to his wife/family. That is an individual's God-given right to do that themselves. Yet I worry about her and her beautiful family and what could happen to her/them. How could he do this to her!? I have talked to my Sponsor, wife, friends, and group members about this situtation and most of them say it's none of my business and to stay far away from it. I need to forget about it and move on. I wonder if I would be feeling this way if I had never SEEN her picture or pictures of his family. If I only had the knowledge that he is married, but kept everything else a mystery, would I feel this weight and this guilt? I know I have the right intentions; I do not have feelings of spitefulness or revenge or jealousy or any of that bullshit. I recognize it is me in my good place seeing the situation for what it was/is. I know that despite his addiction he is a good guy that appears to love his family and that he and his wife were (are?) happy. But I hate that he is doing this to her!

However, I am no better b/c I did the same thing to my wife and family. Isn't it interesting how as addicts we can't do some of the littlest things (i.e. calling someone on the phone, getting up in front of a crowd, going to group, etc). yet we can frivolously throw our lives, family, security, employment, reputation, freedom, safety, etc to the wind for a quick fix? 

It's sad how we don't realize how truly fucked up we are until we get into recovery and start to clear away the wreckage and devastation we have caused in our lives through our addiciton. Only then can we see just how clouded and gray and messed up our brains are.

I guess the only thing I can do for this guy and his family at this time is to pray for them and have the faith that somehow, someday the truth will set them all free. I just hope nothing happens in the meantime. Yet if it does and I should some day find out, will I feel that I am partially responsible?

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

My Teenage Neighbor

I have to get something off my chest. I live next door to a teenage boy (late teens) which has been very triggering for me as of late. Now, don't freak out! Let me first say I do NOT have a thing for kids or adolescents and am not into child porn or any of that, so don't worry. But there's just something about this kid that intrigues me and, if I'm not in a healthy state of mind, can trigger fantasies w/in me. They're not the kind of fantasies that would ever make me do something heinous, they are just more like things that get me thinking and reflecting on my own teenage years.

When we first moved in, this kid was a skinny, loner-type that would sit outside his house up on the roof. Kind of a weird-o. But now he's turned into a tall, skater-type kid w/ a nice body, deep voice, hair that hangs down in his eyes and who loves to mow the lawn w/ his shirt off and in his basketball shorts.

I think what has me hung up about this kid is the enigma/mystery/fantasy surrounding that particular age. I know at that age I was engaging in full on oral and anal sex, masturbating several times a day anywhere I could, looking at porn, experimenting w/ friends, etc. So when I look at him I wonder what he's up to. He's obviously gone through puberty now and I wonder/fantasize how big he is. I wonder/fantasize how often he masturbates. I wonder if he surfs porn on his computer in his room. I wonder/fantasize if he has ever messed around or experimented w/ any of his friends or what kind of talk they do when they're together (i.e. about girls, sex, porn, etc).

I know these are not healthy thoughts to be having and I recognize that. Please don't take me for some perverted, sick, pedophile. I am not nor have I ever been. I realize these thoughts I've had is just part of the addiction and that addiction has roots that really began to take hold at that stage in my life (teens). Anyhow, it feels better to at least get that out.

Monday, August 20, 2012

'Cause it's 1-2-3 Strikes, You're Out!

I had an interesting weekend. My wife was out of town all weekend and I was home alone w/ 3 of my kids. Yet surprisingly enough I didn't even have a thought to get jiggy w/ myself nor do anything SA related. That made me feel really good. It showed me how far I've come and how well I'm doing emotionally & mentally. I'm now 2+ months sober and still going strong.

The big thing that happened was on Friday night when I played a co-ed softball game w/ work peeps that did not go the way I wanted it to. I played baseball when I was a kid in my city leagues and softball w/ church groups when I was 15, but I haven't thrown a ball or used a bat since. I thought almost 20 years later things would be "different," but alas, some things never change.

Tuesday night I went w/ some work friends to practice for a few hours and had a lot of fun. I couldn't believe that I was still able to catch and bat pretty well despite not playing for so many years. I didn't feel stupid or awkward and thought there wouldn't be any issues come game night. The game was supposed to be mostly for fun, after all. Yet even walking up to the baseball diamond Friday night I could sense there was already tension, grit, and that fucking competitive thirst for blood in the air. It was the typical jockish, ass-wad fest all over again. PUKE PUKE PUKE! For one thing, the other team consisted of almost all shaved head, tight bodied, butch dudes from a law firm here in town so my self-confidence immediately went down upon seeing them and I didn't feel like I could act like my usual fun-loving self.

Now, I wasn't the only novice player on my team and from the get-go it was obvious we weren't going to win. There were a few positives on my end: A) I only ended up playing 1/2 the game b/c there were so many players so I was able to camp out safe and sound in the dug out B) I caught a foul ball and outed somebody and C) I successfully hit and made it to 1st.

What really cemented the fact that I still DO NOT enjoy these team, competitive sports happened toward the end of the game. All the bases were loaded, we were on our 3rd out and I was up to bat and of COURSE I struck out. I felt like my whole team was looking at me like I was a fucking loser as they all made their way back to the dug out. Maybe they were thinking that and maybe they weren't but I sure felt stupid and wanted to completely melt. All the insecurities and negative things I've ever been called and that are still rooted deep down inside me came rushing back like a dam had collapsed: "fucking faggot! loser! cocksucker! fem! dirty queer! can't do anything right! let down! limp wrist! fairy! etc." I felt so low.  I decided right then and there I don't need this shit.

After the game I stepped back and really tried to think though all of it and think more healthy, rational thoughts. I decided who gives a shit if some of my team members were thinking those bad thoughts about me? Most of them don't (or I don't think they do) b/c they are my friends. Or who cares if the tight butch dudes on the other team really thought I was a faggot? So let them think that! They don't KNOW me or who I am as a person. And who FUCKING CARES that I'm not a primo baseball player? It's obvious I'm not a sport-o. I never was and never will be and I'm ok w/ that. I like ME and I'm ok w/ me and those who know and love me are ok w/ me. I don't enjoy playing team sports and never will. Am I ok w/ that fact? Yes, I am. Is my wife and those who are closest to me ok w/ the fact I'm not a macho, butch sportsy guy? Yes, they are. I'm a good dad who loves his family and I have other talents and capabilities that don't make me feel like shit about myself or put my self-worth and "manliness" on the line.

This really ended up being a good lesson for me. The next time I get invited to go out to the ole' ball game, I think I'll just pass and stay at home and fix myself a hot dog and a snow cone.

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Hail the Conquering Hero

My week in California was a successful. For the first time in I don't know how long I was able to arrive back home and look my wife in the eye and know I wasn't harboring any dark secrets or lies or deception or naughy misdeeds.
It didn't go completely smooth, however; I did have to navigate through a couple of rough spots. But the fact is I navigated through them successfully, kept faithful to myself, my family and my recovery, and arrived back home safe and sound.

It feels really good. I'm in a good place.
5 more days and I'll be 2 months sober.

"Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord, and in the power of his might. Put on the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places. Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.
Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, and having on the breastplate of righteousness; And your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace; Above all, taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked. And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God: Praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, and watching thereunto with all perseverance and supplication for all saints." Ephesians 6:10-18

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

While the Cat's Away...

I'm headed out of town this week to a convention for work. I used to really enjoy and look forward to these trips, but this time I am dreading it. I am currently 6 weeks sober from masturbation and overall, my recovery has been going really well. I don't want to fuck it all up now! Can I; WILL I remain strong and committed to recovery, my wife, my family, and myself?

My convention is in Los Angeles, which breeds (interesting choice of word, eh?)  a lot of enticing temptations for me. I have had numerous sexual escapades while staying in L.A. I know all the bathhouses, porn shops, video booths, cruising streets, parks, bathrooms, beaches and the places to go and look for just about anything. Oh how I wish I were like other guys in my SA group whose only worry when they go on business trips is maybe watching a titty flick on their hotel room TV and spanking it. I wish that were the case w/ me. Unfortunately I don't even THINK about minor things like that. My fantasies and temptations go much, much further and deeper.

Not only is it the sex addict/dark passenger inside of me that wants to come out and play, but I have the hosts of other addicts deep inside me that want to come out too...the smoker, the pot head, the clubber, the drinker, etc. Arg. We used to have to share a room w/ someone else on these trips, but not anymore. It's funny, but for most people they would be thankful to have their own space. But for me, I wish so bad I could have a roommate. I don't get into as much trouble when someone else is there. It is when I'm alone that things spin out of control fast.

This is my game plan:

A) Continue to pray, kneeling down, at LEAST 2 x's/day.
B) I WILL NOT go to the hotel pool, hot tub, sauna, or steam room.
C) I will not leave the hotel grounds by myself to walk on the beach, go to a restaurant, etc.
D) I have a guy friend I work w/ who knows all about me and my sex problems. I'm going to disclose to him my fears and apprehensions and tell him to keep an eye on me.
E) I have a cousin who lives in L.A. that I'm going to have come and stay w/ me in my room a couple of nights.
F) NO 2nd looks.
G) NO looking at guys from the waist down - EVER.
H) No innocent 'flirting' or cruising or seeking out those lust hits. If my gaydar goes off, turn the bitch off!
I) I have another friend of mine who is going to call/text me everyday at 3pm to check on me and bolster me up.
J) Of course, no Craigslist or any other triggering local websites to fuel my addict and pique my curiosity.

Please pray for me. I hope to give a good report on my trip next week. I know I have it deep down inside me to come off conqueror and keep my dark passenger at bay. I can DO THIS.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Clean Bill of Health

Yesterday I received the remainder of my STD test results and I'm again so incredibly happy and grateful to report that they were all negative. :)

Chlamydia ---> NEG
Gonorreah ---> NEG
Herpes ---> NEG
Hepatitis B & C ---> NEG
Syphilis ---> NEG

I think that was everything...

The nurse gave me a clean bill of health.

I'm so thankful to Heavenly Father for watching over me, protecting me, and keeping me safe through all the terribly wicked lifestyle choices I made in the past. I realize some people are not so lucky and my heart truly goes out to them. For me, this made me once again reevaluate where I'm at and how far I've come and recommit to myself and God that I will never again put myself in a situation that could put my health, future, family, and life in jeopardy.

Friday, July 13, 2012

Lack of Empathy

Last week in group therapy we talked about empathy. The reason why is b/c most sex addicts don't have it, or have forgetten how to show it b/c we're so out of touch w/ our emotions and self absorbed. It is very, very difficult for me, nay, almost impossible to have empathy for others, which makes me feel really shitty about myself.

When I hear a person's sob story (i.e. my mom died when I was little; I was sexually abused by an uncle growing up; I lost my job after 10 years and have a family to feed; I was in prison for 2 years; etc.) I listen intently to what they are saying, but for whatever reason I am completely emotionally unegaged and detached. It's weird. I let them know I'm here from them should they need someone and really try hard to be kind and loving and understanding and compassionate, yet I don't FEEL their pain, or emotions. It's almost as if a part of me is past feeling.

"Ye are swift to do iniquity but slow to remember the Lord your God. Ye have seen an angel, and he spake unto you; yea, ye have heard his voice from time to time; and he hath spoken unto you in a still small voice, but ye were past feeling, that ye could not feel his words; wherefore, he has spoken unto you like unto the voice of thunder, which did cause the earth to shake as if it were to divide asunder." 1 Nephi 17:45.

Sometimes I feel like such an empty, stonefaced monster. I feel as if I'm 'acting' when trying to show empathy, compassion, or understanding. It sucks. My hope is as I continue in my recovery and the more control I get over my dark passenger and my addiction and the more my brain, heart and spirit is able to heal, the more charitable, empathic and loving I will become.

Monday, July 2, 2012

Death of Fear

I mentioned in my 'Shameful Secrets' post last week that I would write more about my issues surrounding STD tests in the future. I'd like to write about it now.

To date, I have never had an STD test. Sure, I have had physicals and blood work done over the years, but I have never been specifically tested for HIV or any of the others.

During my past session I told my therapist I had been sexual w/ over a hundred people, mostly men, and that I had had some sort of intercourse w/ over 70 of them. Sometimes I was safe and sometimes I wasn't. Even though I have not had any oral, anal, or vaginal sex w/ anyone besides my wife since being married (over 8 years now), my therapist still suggested I go and have the full gamut of STD tests done for a) peace of mind b) obligation for the health of my wife and myself  c) to prove personal strength and courage and my ability to overcome and conquer my fears d) necessary step on my road to recovery.

I commited to her I would go and have the tests performed before we met again. I made an appointment w/ the health department directly after our session as I sat in my car.

My appointment was this morning, and while I was partially at peace knowing all would be well, I still had so much fear and apprehension. But, I faced one of my longest, deepest, and strongest fears head on this morning and went in for my tests.

I am happy to report my HIV test came back negative but I won't know the status of the other STD test results (Hepatitis, Gonorreah, Syphylis, etc) for another 2 weeks. Still, I feel immensely relieved, blessed and proud that I was finally able to conquer this 15 year old fear of mine.

2 things this experience taught me:

1) I will never put myself in a situation that will lead me to fear in this manner again. Never! This translates to: I will never have any kind of sex w/ anyone except my wife.
2) When I do the things I fear, then the death of fear is certain (Ralph Waldo Emerson). I attest to this fact.

Friday, June 29, 2012

Shameful Secrets

I'm happy to report I'm on an upswing. I'm 2 1/2 weeks sober from masturbation and any addictive behaviors and I've seen a therapist twice now. During our first session I took her through my sexual history up through my senior year in High School. This past session we talked about everything since my senior year up until the present day. Some of the stuff is pretty intense and while my therapist is easy to talk to I do feel uncomfortable divulging some of my deepest, most shameful secrets. Something that was pointed out that really hit home was the following: "Secrets are the soil of addiction."

So, I thought maybe it would help to pen these shameful secrets down and get them out of my mind:
  • When I was 13 I held my penis up to the mouth of my baby boy cousin thinking maybe he would suck on it like a pacifier. I didn't force it in, I didn't touch or fondle him, and he never did suck it. It was just an impulse thing but I've never forgotten it.
  • When I was 13 I sucked on my dogs testicles.
  • Around the same time I remember sticking my finger in a female dog's vagina until she yelped.
  • In an empty church room, I prodded and then watched a girl finger herself in an empty church room.
  • At 15 I took a trip to Ft. Lauderdale, FL w/ my father. One day at the beach I found a used condom. I went to a restroom and put the used condom on and masturbated into it. This is a big secret I have never shared w/ anyone.
  • At 20 I had unprotected anal sex w/ a guy (he did me and I did him) and (I think) contracted genital warts...? I was so scared and disgusted. I remember seeing a couple of small bumps or warts on my penis and I scratched them off. I think I may even have had a couple on my anus as well, which I also scratched off. I've never seen anything since then anywhere and it's been 13 years, so I don't know if that's what they were or perhaps something else..
  • I have never had an STD or HIV test. Even when my wife and I were going to be married and it was advised by the marriage licensing dept. that we should do something like. How shitty is that of me? I'm planning to write more about that in another post.
  • In High School I wrote a boy some sexually perverse and vulgar letters telling him I wanted to do this, that, and the other w/ him or to him. I think I wrote 2 or 3. I told him to call me if he was interested (I put my cell # in the letter; how stupid was that!) The authorities were contacted, and I remember being called to the High School police officer's office and taking a handwriting test. I then had to meet w/ an attorney and go over everything I had done and then I met w/ the pros. attorney. During all of this I never told my parents what was going on. I was so scared. The pros. attorney threatened to send me to a correctional institution. In the end, I don't remember how that all got resolved, but somehow it did. I never had to go to court or go through legal proceedings or any of that. I honestly don't remember a lot of it; I think the trauma and fear I was feeling at the time helped me black a lot of it out. Because of all of that going on, I wasn't able to walk in my seminary graduation. I received my diploma a few weeks later in the mail.
  • I again wrote some letters (wouldn't you think I had learned my lesson?) to a guy in my class at Ricks College that fall. The Dean was notified and I was kicked out of Ricks College. That is one of the biggest regrets of my life.
  • I had my Real Estate license for a while and when I showed a house I snooped through the couples nightstand in their bedroom to look for sex toys, porn, lube, etc. (I used to do that a lot). One time I found a guy's masturbation tube/sleeve. I put it on and masturbated into it, then cleaned it out, dried it off and put it back.
  • Some of the other misc. secrets I haven't divulged to anyone b/c of shame and embarrasment: ejaculating/urinating in my own mouth; the hard core, raunchy porn I have viewed that arouses me; my fascination w/ sounding, water sports, and S&M-type behavior.
Keep in mind these are the deepest, darkest, most shaming secrets that I hold on to. In reality, my entire life has been nothing but a network of harboring dark secrets and lies, sneaking, hiding, deceiving, pretending, working in darkness and loving and wallowing in my carnal sins and wickedness. There are 100's upon 100's of instances when I have lied and covered up my actions or glazed over or not told the whole truth i.e. going to parks, bathhouses, streets, porn shops, bars, etc. Smoking, drinking, pot, etc. But the secrets that I have noted above are the most dark, the most shameful, and the ones that make me feel the most self hatred, guilt, and toxic shame. But it does feel better to finally get some of them out and write them down, even if it is only anonymously.

Monday, June 18, 2012

ABC Action List

It's been a while since I've blogged. The truth is I went through a really rough patch and acted out something fierce. I was caught in a bad spin cycle: cruising, voyeurism, masturbating, sounding, pornography, etc. I started surfing Craigslist ads and was responding to several per day. It all came to a head when I was going to hook up w/ someone for some watersports. How's that for escalating? Wow. I had my last encounter w/ a guy last Tues. and I allowed him to masturbate me. That was definitely pushing the envelope again b/c ordinarily I never allow anyone to touch me. But each time I've acted w/ somebody it's gone further and further.

I told my wife and she was devastated and completely crushed (again!) to say the least. I realized I am going to lose her and our beautiful family unless something changed. I had to do something different this time. This led me to put together an "ABC Action List."

Here it is:
My name is XXX, I'm a sex addict and I deal w/ same sex lust.

Bottom Line Behaviors: Masturbation, Mutual Masturbation, Pornography, Voyeurism, Cruising, Auto-eroticism, Fantasy.

ABC Action List:
A. I will stay away from the park and any other place I know are cruising spots. I will not drive or bike the stretch of  XXX Ave. between XXX and XXX.. I will always take an alternative route.
B. I will stay away from the park at the boat landing. I will never go there for any reason. Period.
C. I will not use public restrooms alone. I will take a kid or friend in w/ me.
D. Aside from going to work each day, I will not go places alone (errands, pop runs, etc). I will take a kid, wife, friend, etc. w/ me at all times.
E. I will say personal prayers AM & PM every day and whenever I feel weak or tempted. I will kneel down beside my bed each night.
F. I will be open, honest, and have full disclosure w/ my wife, my Bishop, and my sponsor. No dark secrets; no dark corners. I will live by the rule: "A clear conscience makes the softest pillow."
G. I will not use vulgar, crude language. If I need to discuss or write about something sexual, I will use the appropriate words and terms.
H. I will not view or read triggering media, entertainment, news, etc. I will avoid such articles, news stories, etc. and turn my head or shut my eyes if something is triggering on TV to me even if it is a commercial.
I. I will not go to the Craigslist website. Never.
J. I will not peruse Facebook profiles out of curiosity.
K. I will not have 'alternative' relationships/friendships or make contact w/ anyone living such a lifestyle. The only exception to this rule is XXX. Nor will I make or take calls, texts, or PMs from such individuals or have secret friendships or FB friends.
L. I will participate in therapy w/ a licensed counselor at least 2 x's/mo.
M. I will find a sponsor I trust and work my recovery steps w/ him.
N.  I will attend my Wednesday night SA group every week and other groups when time and my schedule permits.
O. I will not indulge in lusting after others or in past experiences or fantasy.
P. I will only look at others from the waist up and will not engage in rubber necking (2nd look) while driving, biking or walking.
Q. I will fill out a Core Card every day.
R. I will not masturbate. I will not allow my wife to masturbate me. I will only engage in sexual relations w/ my wife when it is driven by both of us wanting it.
S. I will not fantasize whilst having sex w/ my wife.
T. I will not touch my genitals or genital area or any area that is sexually arousing to me. Exception: bathroom and tub/shower and only then is it minimal touching
U. I will periodically check in w/ my Bishop either via interview, phone call or text to keep him updated and to be accountable and honest.
V. I will always wear my garments even when I am working outside.
W. I will fast every Fast Sunday.
X. I will do 1 act of service for another person every day.
Y. I will be proactive in my recovery work but I won’t be overwhelmed. I will work it slow.
Z. I will keep the Sabbath Day holy by doing things or not doing things I know I shouldn’t do on the Sabbath Day in order to be worthy of the Spirit.

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Letting Go

Things have been going a bit better in my life lately. Not great; but better.

Last week I found myself in a sticky spot. I was frequently seeing and texting a guy that I had met in the gay park (again) last week. This is the same guy I watched have sex w/ another guy last month and the same one I mutually masturbated w/ and couldn't stop looking into his eyes. For whatever reason I haven't been able to stop thinking about him over the past few weeks. I was thrilled when I found him again and we were able to hook back up.

It was weird. I wasn't so much interested in his cock or doing any of that sexual stuff, even though things always eventually went that way when we saw each other. I found myself thinking about him a lot and we would text back and forth all day. When we got together we would tightly hug and touch and feel and hold and (of course) mutually masturbate together. It felt so good to hug and hold him and feel his arms and his strength and his (it seems totally faggot for me to say this): his maleness. But he was giving me something I was needing: attention and male affection. I knew it was wrong the entire time, but it felt so good that I couldn't NOT do it. Awesome double negative usage. HAHA
However, when he would touch my chest or arms I kept having this strong impression that these things weren't HIS to touch. My body belongs to my wife. And this guy doesn't know me. He doesn't even know my last name! All he sees is the physical. All that was going through my mind the entire time.

I knew what I had to do.

On Monday we met and had a tête-à-tête in the woods. It totally felt like something straight out of Brokeback Mtn. Afterwards as we were walking back to our cars I told him I couldn't see him anymore. We are both married w/ children and it isn't right. I love my wife and my kids and my life too much to keep this dirty secret stupid little gay affair going. And I knew exactly why I was doing it and what I was needing and that I was filling my void in the wrong way. I told him it was going to be difficult and that I would never forget him.

But in the end I knew it was right and it was so liberating to let go and say goodbye.

That was on Monday and as of today, Thursday, I'm in a good place. I haven't heard from him. I haven't found myself thinking or dwelling on him or re-lusting after him or our trysts. It gave me strength and courage to realize how much I've grown and changed and the wisdom I've obtained. It felt so good to "let go."

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Wandering Eye

I have a love/hate relationship w/ this time of the year. It feels so good to work in my yard and spend day after day out under the warm sun, yet w/ those warm sunny days also comes a barrage of tempation. People everywhere walking, jogging, biking, tanning half naked. Those images get in my mind and I can't shake them.

Yesterday I had lunch w/ a good friend of mine down on the river. There were tons of people out and about so I didn't lack for some good eye candy. Needless to say I couldn't shake some of the "things" I saw. I kept rolling them around in my mind all afternoon until I finally had to go and have a release in the bathroom. Of course I felt like shit afterwards. I had gone for 2 1/2 weeks w/o masturbating and again had to tell my Bishop I fucked up and have to start over. He asked me what would help me to reach my goal? I responded being more faithful in my reading (SA/addiction materials) and praying (which is still non-existent at this point).

So, today's a new day. Yet I already have that all-too-familiar tickle in my loins that I want to rub one out. A part of me (shoulder angel) says, "c'mon, you don't have to go down that road and get caught in that cycle. Take a stand and keep your hands off yourself." Then another part of me, (my shoulder devil) says, "go ahead. You just did it yesterday. It won't hurt a thing to do it 5, 6 or 8 times today if you feel like it to get it out of your system and start fresh tomorrow." I know I should safeguard myself by being proactive and resolutely deciding right NOW that I won't masturbate today, tomorrow, etc and that I'll be a good boy, but for some reason I can't say that I won't masturbate today. Or I won't say that I won't. What's up w/ that?

Friday, May 11, 2012

Love & Friendship

I just want to give a quick shout out to all my friends, online, anonymous or otherwise for all your unwavering love and support. You help give me strength to muster up enough conviction and drive to get through another day. I love you and am thankful for you in my life.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012


I don't think I've ever been as depressed in my entire life as I am right now and frankly I don't know what to do about it. It scares me. I feel as if I am sinking. I am spinning around looking for a way out or a light or something, but there is only darkness, emptiness, and futility. Sometimes I feel like I'm being crushed by the sadness and hopelessness and anger and emptiness. There's a part of me that is growing so weary of fighting! I want to tell Satan and all the other son of a bitching demons that are constantly surrounding me to just have at it. Go ahead: Take Me! That's what scares me. The veil seems so thin I can almost see and feel them standing around me w/ me in their midst; constantly whispering temptations and awful things in my ear. Instead of getting stronger I am getting weaker and they are gaining strength. 

I feel so bad for my wife. I had no business getting married.
I feel so bad for my kids. I had no business having children.

I know it is never too late to make changes, but why does it seem like such an insurmountable impossibility?

Plus, lately I've had sprinkled in w/ my depression (sometimes) intense cravings to smoke a cigarette, drink some alcohol or coffee, or just blitz out and say fuck life. It is so difficult. I just want to fade away. I don't want to FEEL anymore. The loneliness, the fucked-upedness, the sadness, the hurt, the anger, all of it.

But what really sucks is I know that even in death there is no rest.

"Ye cannot say, when ye are brought to that awful crisis, that I will repent, that I will return to my God. Nay, ye cannot say this; for that same spirit which doth possess your bodies at the time that ye go out of this life, that same spirit will have power to possess your body in that eternal world." Alma 34:34

I know that unless I conquer these demons and become the man I am meant to become in this life, it will be the same hell in the world to come.

Here's to another fucking day of life. Puke.

Friday, May 4, 2012

Desperately Seeking Arousal

I'm sitting here at "work" passing another boring, mundane, lifeless day and praying that 5:00 will come as soon as possible so that I can finally go home, relax, and thoroughly relish the fact I don't have to come back for 2 full days.

All day long while at work including right now I am strongly enticed to leave work and go cruise at the park or surf craigslist ads. However, I recognize that my addict, or dark passenger as I fondly call him, is looking for something to spice up the monotony and excite himself. A few weeks ago I wouldn't have known that. A friend of mine in my SA group shared a book w/ me entitled "Surviving Withdrawal." The book discusses 3 types of experiences we, as addicts become addicted through acting out.

1) Arousal. Makes the blood pump and stimulates everything from head to toe. i.e. Stimulants: cocaine, meth; cruising, porn, anonymous sex
2) Satiation. Calmes and relaxes us. i.e. Depressants: marijuana, alcohol; masturbating before going to sleep
3) Fantasy. Puts us in a state of euphoria or trance-like mode. i.e. Hallucinogenics: LSD, mushrooms, etc.; porn, sexual fantasy, fetishes, etc.

As sex addicts we experience all 3 types of addictive experiences (arousal, satiation, and fantasy) which makes it that much harder to control, nay, QUIT, rather than just dealing w/ one drug at a time. I know that I am particulaly addicted to the arousal experience. Because I feel so unimportant and dull lately, my insides are literally screaming for something to stimulate and arouse myself so to feel like I'm actually living rather than made of stone.

I also recognize these are times when I need to find something healthy to replace those bad cravings. When my insides are screaming to be aroused, rather than feed them by sexually acting out and getting that quick fix, I need to do something else. Today, I'm blogging. All next week, however, who knows...? This is why I need and want a job that keeps me busy all day long, every day. Yet nothing is turning up. Damn it!

C'mon God, throw me a bone here...please! I'm doing my part, would you please do a little more on your end to improve my situation?

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Another Restless Night

I don't know what my problem is but lately I have been waking up every morning at 5 AM and am unable to go back to sleep. My mind starts going 100 mph and all my fears, worries, problems, etc. weigh heavily on me until it feels like I'm going to split in two. I toss and turn and try to shut it all out but I can't. Sometimes I literally feel like I am completely coming undone from the inside out. It's scary.

I totally hate those wee hours of the morning. Everything seems so major. Life is a frightening monster and I feel so useless, helpless, hopeless and lost. Here I am, in my early 30s, w/ a wife, small children, a house, and all the responsibilities that go w/ all of that. Life would seem idyllic from the outside, but if someone could scrape away all the layers and see what is going on in the inside of my mind they'd see something completely different. For starters, my life wouldn't seem so picturesque.
I try and focus on the positive things (noted above) and I admit I have been truly blessed in so many ways. I know that! I'm not a complete whiny, morose, woebegone bastard. I've thought maybe that's all my purpose was...to bring these beautiful little spirits into the world. Perhaps one of them is supposed to accomplish something truly great. Maybe it was never about me in the first place.

When it comes to REAL life, where I'm at and where I'm going I feel like a scared and shy 14 year old boy who is completely suffering and no one and nothing can help. My wife and I have drawn the conclusion that perhaps that's when the greatest emotional/mental damange took place in my life and that there is indeed a part of me that is still stuck in those teenage years.

That is why I'm still struggling to find out who the real me is. What do I want in life? What are my goals and aspirations? Where am I going? What do I need to do to get there? Many people use their late teens and early 20s to figure out those life questions but I'm lagging behind 15 years! Try as I might I just can't figure out who the fuck I am or what the fuck I am doing w/ my life. I feel like a total failure in so many ways.

Yeah, yeah, 'it's never to late to start something new, right?' Well that's bullshit. How, where and what exactly am I supposed to do? I'm stuck! Aside from my wife and children, I have nothing to show for my life! It's organized chaos, nothing more. I've been to college, but settled on a basically worthless degree. I have absolutely no real-world experience doing anything at all of any importance. The job I'm at now is pretty much my first "real" job yet I'm so inconsequential here it's pathetic. All my other past jobs have been waitering or doing something else in the food industry (which I absolutely can't stomach). How the hell am I supposed to just break into something new now? Where do I even begin? HAHA What a joke.

Just like the prodigal son, I have completely squandered and wasted the majority of my life almost to the point that it's too late. All that potential and opportunity frittered away in something that would never give back. Blah, blah, blah, yada, yada, yada and all that other fucking jazz.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Personal Awareness

My acting out episode on Friday afternoon taught me something about myself that I've never known. I finally realized what sort of men I am attracted to, intimidate me, and/or trigger me. Since I had that realization, I've actually found myself not lusting or scanning every male that I see. I realize now what my attractions are and when and how my SSA issues usually arise.

One of the guys I acted out w/ on Friday was tall, yet fairly pudgy. He was by no means an Adonis, but he wasn't distasteful either, otherwise I wouldn't have gone as far as I did. Again, I'm not going to go into all the details about the actual experience. Suffice to say we masturbated together. Yet as we masturbated, I wasn't as interested in looking at his dick or lusting after him as I usually have in the past. Rather, we kept looking into each others' eyes as we were masturbating. We both did not want to orgasm b/c we knew the moment would be over. We were fixated on eachothers' eyes and did not look away. It was weird. And I kept having strong compulsions to hug him tight. Not to grap his dick or suck him off or do any of that trashy shit. I just simply wanted to keep staring at him in his eyes.

The whole experience was oddly moving and really made a deep impression.

That night, as I thought about him and replayed the experience over and over again in my mind it suddenly dawned on me that I am attracted to men that embody some of my own physical characteristics (oh how self-absorbed I sound! Am I really that fucking vain? Puke!) yet also men that for me exemplify what a 'real man' is or should be. Basically, I lust after men that kind of look like me, yet are more manly.

Anyway, they have to be tall (over 6'2"), broad-shouldered, big bones, average weight (they don't necessarily have to be toned muscle-men, but I don't like gangly and skinny guys either), have hair on their heads (hair on their chest is ok but the back is a no-go), strong face and jaw, strong arms and hands, mid 20s to mid 40s; men who make a statement when they walk into the room and that can command a situation. They are bold, strapping, assertive, and self-confident. A lot of the guys I'm describing would probably fit in a jock category, but not always. Sometimes they're polished businessmen or blue collar workers. Effeminate men turn me off.

These are the type of guys that made fun of me in high school. They are the guys that highly intimidate me and make me feel lesser-than today. They are the guys I am strongly attracted to at work, church, group, etc. and lust after. They exhibit the qualities of a 'real man' and somewhere along the way I've come to sexualize and idolize them. As I look back over my life it's so obvious to me; why didn't I realize it before?

It actually feels quite liberating and relieving to have had that revelation. Now, as I mentioned above, I'm not looking and lusting after every guy I see. It's only the ones that have the characteristics above that really put me in a state of sexual uncertainty. That personal knowledge, as weird as it all sounds, has actually given me some sort of power over my dark passenger.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Things Could Be Worse

My wife and I sometimes enjoy watching the TV show "My Strange Addiction." As I watch and see how truly disturbed some people are in this world it makes me feel like my problems are pretty trite. Yes, I've been involved in some pretty deviant, perverted sexual behaviors, but they really still do pale in comparison w/ some of the bizarre things other people are addicted to. One lady subsists solely on wet and dry cat food, another lady bathes in bleach. One guy has a sexual relationship w/ his car and another guy compulsively pulls hair out of tub and sink drains . Some of the other strange addictions include sniffing baby powder, comsuming 100's of laxatives a day, eating plastic and glass and other objects, tanning, smelling golf balls, etc.

A part of me finds some of these strange addictions and behaviors truly disturbing and sometimes revolting, yet another part of me feels strong compassion for these people as I understand what it's like to be out of control and unable to stop certain behaviors and activities. It's so sad that some of these peoples' compulsions and addictions are so intense that they will ultimately have fatal results. Addiction sucks!

Monday, April 30, 2012

Relapse & Reset

Friday was another bottom of the barrel day for me. A complete relapse. I don't feel like writing all the gory details. Let me just say it started off w/ me surfing Craigslist ads at work. Mid afternoon I left work and cruised at the park. Thanks to Satan, I  was able to again meet the same 2 guys I had watched do each other in the bathroom the day before. We all 3 left the park, following each other in our cars, to a house of one of the guys. He put on porn and they let me watch them have sex again. I masturbated in front of them this time and we orgasmed together. Still no physical touch took place on my end, however. I was able to keep my head clear enough to not completely act out sexually or physically w/ these men.

I went back to work and called my wife and told her I had relapased and what had happened. It was devastating but I'm grateful I was able to honestly and openly tell her what had happened immediately. No secrets; no lies; no stuffing it way deep down inside. That night we talked more about life and my recovery. The fact is I don't do anything in regards to my addiction recovery besides faithfully attending my SA group every week. I don't see a therapist, I don't go to any other groups, I don't read the literature, I don't do the workbooks. I know that my addiction has me whipped. I have no control over my dark passenger when he takes over. I am powerless over him. Yet I won't surrender myself to God by turning to him and asking for his help and showing my determination to change by DOING something. Damn me!

This is what my wife and I talked concluded I would do different this time:
  • No more TV at night. I don't watch TV hardly at all, but every night from 9 - 10 I do watch Family Guy. It's an easy way to numb out and unwind, yet Family Guy, as much as I love it, is definitely not condusive to the Spirit of the Lord. I've always known it wasn't uplifting, but my natural man just didn't/doesn't want to give it up. But I know I need to. So, rather than watching TV at night we are instead going to put on some smooth jazz music or something similar and read. I will read and work in my recovery books as well as my wife is going to read the recovery books and other literature to enlighten herself and help better support me. We'll also read General Conference talks and other books that interest us and that aren't questionable.
  • I met w/ my Bishop yesterday and commited to make it through the month of May w/o masturbating. I promised to update him on my progress and status by sending periodic texts. It's going to be so hard (haha-no pun intended) but I've got to do it. And no justifying other self-stimulating behaviors (i.e. pushing myself up against the kitchen counter, tickling myself, grinding into the mattress, having my hands constantly touching my package or admiring it while driving or sitting at work, no checking myself out in the mirrow, no using the shower wand on myself while showering, etc etc etc). Good Lord, I could fill a book of all the no-nos.
  • No more Craigslist or other triggering internet sites at all! Neither going to places I shouldn't such as parks, bathrooms, streets, stores etc. that I know are cruise spots or places to potentially meet or lust after people.
  • Striving to not focus on past experiences or allowing myself to be triggered and have lustful thoughts or a wicked heart.
  • Attending more weekly meetings if I feel the need to. I hate having to sacrifice time away from my wife and kids to leave and go to meetings, but I need to do what I need to do. I read that "step 0" is association and fellowship w/ others in recovery so I'm going to do just that. Last night I attended a LDS 12-step meeting and although it was a bit different than my SA group, it was a warm, safe place and the Spirit was definitely present! I'm so glad I went.
  • Really try hard to humble myself, and get on my knees and ask for God's help when I need to! Try and surrender myself to him rather than stubbornly refusing to let Him in. 
So, that's where I'm at. I'm starting from scratch but hopefully this time I'm setting myself up to achieve, rather than fail.

I want to conclude by sharing one of my favorite quotes: "Two men looked out of the same prison bars. One saw mud, the other saw stars." ~ Frederick Langbridge.

Friday, April 27, 2012

Another Slip

How ironic I just wrote about the phenomenal personal victory I had over lust just 2 days ago, yet yesterday I let myself majorly slip down a terrible, slippery slope. I don't know what happened. It was as if I entered a state of auto-pilot (my gray zone). The dark passenger completely took over and I was helpless. Everything else just faded away.

It began by nonchalantly surfing Craigslist ads yesterday afternoon. I was actually really tempted to post one of my own. I was going to post an ad looking for somebody to just meet and hold/hug. Nothing sexual; just a long, tight embrace. It sounds as gay as hell, I know. I don't know what's going on in my fucking head that is making me crave male attention and touch lately.

I didn't create the post, however, nor did I respond to any others. Snaps for me, right? Nope, I don't think so.

Hardly w/o any hesitation I left work early and went to a gay park here in town to cruise. When I pulled in I saw 3 empty cars near the restroom. My insides completely flipped upside down I was so excited. I knew what I was going to find. I have completely mastered my technique.

I got out of my car and tiptoed to the park bathroom so the guys inside wouldn't hear me approaching. I quickly flung open the door and went in. Lo and behold! 3 guys having a 3-way in the bathroom stall. They got nervous and stopped doing their thing b/c they were thought I was a cop or something, but I assured them I just wanted to watch. 1 of the guys was too freaked out to continue doing anything besides stand there. The other 2 guys continued to masturbate. They tried to touch me, but I brushed their hand away and said "no, I just like to watch." That's how I justify in my mind that I'm still being 'faithful' to my wife. What a fucking freak I am! But I never did take my dick out of my pants in front of them.

The 2 guys then engaged in anal sex. I couldn't believe it! With no protection! It was something right out of a porn fantasy. Satan had set everything up just perfectly! Of course at the time and since then I've thought how hot and erotic it all was (having park bathroom bareback sex).  But then I've also thought about the guy bottoming and how he was so lost in his lust that he was allowing this other guy, a random hook up, to penetrate him. No thought of STDs or anything!!?? How sad for him. Oh, and did I mention that the guy that was getting screwed was married? Or I think he was b/c he was wearing a wedding ring. What about his wife? Does she know her husband is going out and getting fucked bareback by guys in park bathrooms? So I can see it from both ways as I'm sure you (reader) can too. It's so hot, yet it's so tragic.

Both guys ejaculated and then we all dispersed as quick as can be. I took the experience w/ me to the gas station bathroom where I masturbated while I replayed and relusted the experience. The afterglow was of course overshadowed by the terrible realization of what I had done. But, like always, the guilt and shame left after about an hour or so and turned back into a turn on as I thought and rethought about the experience.

But it doesn't stop there. After I got home my wife left me alone to go run some errands so I decided to really let my hair down. I sounded myself, used a back massager down on myself, and did myself w/ 2 objects at the same time. Can you see now why I feel like I'm so past the point of no return? It's so detestable, disgusting, loathsome, raunchy, horrifying and downright evil. Yet on the outside I'm as cool as a summer morning.

Ho hum.

But I guess today's a new day, right? And I'm back here at work staring at a computer screen all day, feeling lonely and isolalted and vulnerable. I know it would help me immensely to just go into the bathroom, kneel down, and offer my whole heart up to God, yet I can't. WHY CAN'T I? I know I need Him and His help yet I just can't let go. Pray for me.


Thursday, April 26, 2012

Reaching Out

I have to admit sometimes I grow really weary of always having to be the first person to reach out to another person. Especially w/ guys. It always seems like I'm the one making the phone calls or sending the text messages to reach out to somebody else. Then when I don't get adequate reciprocation my guard immediately goes up to protect my already hurt feelings. It's that lonely little boy inside of me still wanting desperately to fit in and be liked by the other boys.

Maybe it's b/c I have more time on my hands. Maybe it's b/c I'm more lonely and needy of others' (guys) attention and affection. Maybe it's b/c I have a more sensitive, caring side that most regular straight men don't. Whatever the reason, I always try to make other people feel like they're cared about and/or thought about. Sometimes I worry that they'll get the wrong impression and that I'm interested in them "that" way. That's another example of the scared little boy inside me that still thinks the other boys are going to call him faggot and turn on him.

In SA we're supposed to reach out to other guys in the group and check in w/ them from time to time. I really try hard to send texts or make calls to random guys in the group throughout the week. Usually I just tell them they were missed last night at group (if they didn't attend) or that I was just thinking about them and hope all's well. Sometimes I get a response, allbeit it's more simple than I desire, and sometimes I never get anything. It's really hard for me to hear when guys in the group have made 10 or more phone calls during the past week, yet not one call was made to me. Sure there are a couple of guys in the group that I can count on to check up on me every so often, which totally makes my day, but for the several others in the group I never receive anything and it makes me think what's their problem? Is it me?

I know it's totally immature and Jr. High-ish but sometimes I think, "ok, I've called him twice, now it's his turn to call me." So I wait, and wait, and wait. But nada. Of course I get more hurt, more bitter, more angry. Yet on their end it's not even a thought in their mind. ARG! I hate dealing w/ SSA. It fucks w/ me in so many ways. :P

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Today, Victory Was Mine

I just had a tremendous moment of self victory today and I hope I never forget how good I feel. I know that God and the angels in heaven are smiling down on me right now. I feel so alive...so happy...so strong...so at peace. :) I have to write about it to help me always remember I can conquer my dark passenger.

I was weak this afternoon and responded to a Craigslist ad for a guy looking for a j/o buddy. He wasn't interested in doing anything oral or anal, just a mutual j/o session. I fought the temptation to anonymously respond all afternoon but in the end my lust pushed me over the edge and I responded to his ad. You should have seen me after I hit "send." I was a wreck, but I used my lust and curiosity to numb the guilty feelings.

Then I got a response from him asking for my stats and a neck down pic (or course). God knows I was going to do it, but thankfully at the last minute I starting thinking about my beautiful wife and babies. I thought about how many times I've fucked around behind her back and completely devastated her, time and time again. I thought about our life and our marriage and our eternal covenants. I love her w/ all my heart and I'll be damned if I was once again going to let my fucking cock rule me and drive me away from her and make me potentially lose her, our kids, and our life together.

W/ no hesitation, I sat down at my computer and sent the following message back to the guy:

"Hey man,
I have to apologize. I sent my email in a moment of weakness. As much as I'd love to get together w/ you, I can't.
I'm married and as curious as I am and as much as I'd love to mutual j/o w/ you, I won't cheat on my wife (again).
You've got a great body, and when you said you didn't want to do anything oral or anal that's what made me interested. But I can't go through w/ it. I'm sorry for jerking you around.
But I'm sure you won't have any trouble finding what you need tonight.
Sorry again and good luck!"

After I sent the email I sent my wife a text and simply told her I love her. Of course she was worried something was up so she called me to find out what was wrong. I told her I had had a moment of weakness and was going down a bad path but that I had stopped myself at the last minute by thinking about her and our family and the love I have for them. I didn't get into all the gory details, but she was thankful I had done what I did and made the right choice.

Aside from how fucked up I still am in so many ways, I'm thankful for the growth I have made. I know I have it deep down within myself to beat this bitch of an addiction and control my dark passenger. Victory was mine this afternoon!

Same Sex Lust

I came across an interesting website the other day that gave me some new insight into my same sex attraction issues: www.samerecovery.com  It talks about something called same sex lust. Ding! The light bulb completely went on in head as I browsed through the website and learned more about same sex lust.

Here is some info taken out of the SA white book about lust in general:

"When we try to use food or sex to reduce isolation, loneliness, insecurity, fear, tension, or to cover our emotions, make us feel alive, help us escape, or satisfy our God hunger, we create an unnatural appetite that misuses and abuses the natural instinct. It is not only more intense than the natural but becomes something totally different. Eating and sex enter a different dimension; they possess an unnatural spiritual component.

The addiction is thus to lust and not merely to the substance or physical act. Lust – the attitude itself – becomes the controlling factor in the addiction."

What a perfect description of lust. Lust definitely knows no bounds! It is so evident in my own life as my auto-erotic behaviors have become more intense, more depraved, and more perverted. Lust has become the #1 most important thing in my life. I obviously put it above my beautiful wife and family, my God, work, friends, everything. It is all-consuming.

When I check-in at my group every week, I always tell the group I deal w/ same-sex attraction. I have never labeled myself gay, or bi or anything like that b/c my SSA is primarily lust-driven. Same-sex lust more accurately defines and describes the nature of those feelings and activities. It's really difficult for me to admit that I deal w/ same-sex attraction to my group b/c it always makes me feel like I'm still that little 'cock-sucking faggot queer'.

The same-sex attraction issue in conjunction w/ my sex addiction makes me feel so much more ashamed and worse than other guys in my group. It's strange b/c some of those guys have even admitted to having pedophilia-like tendencies, or have had history w/ beastiality. I don't have those issues, yet my same sex attraction/lust makes me feel 10 x's more ashamed, more lesser-than, more inferior and unworthy. It will forever make me feel like an outsider and segregate me from the rest of the boys or the group. It makes me feel like I don't measure up as a man. Same sex lust, for me, results in the worst kind of toxic shame and self disparagement imaginable. I use 'imaginable' b/c I know those feelings are only w/in my head and are not real.