Friday, March 30, 2012

My Bottom Lines

Every week in group we go around the room and disclose our bottom line behaviors. Bottom line behaviors is any sexual or emotional or physical act which, once engaged in, leads to loss of control of the addictive process. (wikipedia)

The following are my bottom line behaviors along w/ a short description of each. Be warned, it gets intense.

1) Masturbation

I began masturbating when I was about 7 years old. It's the best thing since sliced bread IMHO. I have never gone more than 3 weeks it my entire life w/o masturbating, except for a 3 month stint last winter (I'm still shocked I was able to go that long!) Something interesting to note is that I have never had a wet dream. I think it's b/c I have never allowed my body time enough to build up semen and to eventually come out naturally w/o manipulating it myself. I have masturbated pretty much anywhere. You name the place, time, or circumstance and I've probably done it. School, church, car, work, stores, dressing rooms, outdoors, in public, private, pools, etc. etc.

I believe that masturbation is a normal part of a boy's development. But when it becomes your master, your drug, your comfort, that's when it becomes a problem and an addiction. And what an addiction it is! I also believe that since masturbation is a natural, carnal instinct, and as Mormons we are taught that the 'natural man' is an enemy to God that we should have the strength and the ability to master our bodily, carnal desires and control ourselves. We should master our masturbation rather than have our masturbation master us.

Sometimes I wonder how it would be to not be Mormon and not have (or care) about the knowledge and testimony I have that the natural man is an enemy to God. How would it be to masturbate whenever I wanted, however I wanted, and as often as I wanted and to not feel those feelings of self-deprecation and guilt and shame and self disgust afterwards.

2) Mutual Masturbation

I identify this as a bottom line behavior of mine b/c this has recently become a real problem for me. It's my way of acting out w/ another guy in a way that I feel doesn't jeopardize my church membership or relationship and commitment w/ my wife. How fucked up is that! What an idiotic way to rationalize or justify my dark, adulterous heart.

Since I married I used to just watch people fuck or jack off and I would never take my dick out. I had brainwashed myself that since I wasn't doing anything I was still being faithful to my wife. Yet, I eventually got to the point that I would masturbate w/ them or while I watched them do stuff w/ somebody else. There was never any real touching of each other's body (or very minimal). But towards the end of my out-of-control spiral last fall I was actually touching/grabbing/feeling the guy's strong arms or chest as our bodies were so close together our thighs were touching. A few times a guy would try to touch my dick or my balls. For some reason when that happened it felt like I had taken that fatal, extra step. Still, I never did touch the other guy's dick or balls and I never took it one step further to actual oral sex or any of that. Snaps for me. (Yeah, right!)

3) Voyeurism

Sometimes I surprise myself that I was able to go to gay bathhouses, bars, clubs, parks, steam rooms, etc. and actually be in the presence of men fucking or sucking or doing everything else under the sun and not do anything. I would just watch. I wouldn't even expose my dick. That really has to say something about my self control. I remember wanting so badly to touch or participate, yet I never let myself cross that fine line so as to remain faithful to my wife. I would watch and drink in those experiences to refer back to when I was masturbating alone or having NSA sex w/ my wife. My "porn" was real life, high definition!

I would frequently go to the gay park and watch from my car or hide in some trees w/ my binoculars and patiently wait to catch them in the act or watch them doing stuff in the car together or by themselves. I have made voyeurism an art form.

4) Cruising

How many hours after hours I have spent cruising. How many hundreds upon hundreds of dollars I have spent in gas to troll the various parks, malls, streets, bookstores, etc. in my car from city to city. When I cruise I'm completely out of touch w/ reality. I would remove my wedding ring so the guys wouldn't know I was cheating on my wife. My family, my eternal salvation, my church membership, my health, my reputation, my freedom (the law) etc. goes out the window and I enter a gray zone. I am solely focused and caught up in the moment. Nothing else matters nor exists except the hunt. I am a master cruiser.

5) Pornography

Porn has always been a part of my life. Yet I can go months or years w/o looking at it. It's bizarre. I grew up watching and jacking off to the 80s titty flicks and love scenes. As a teen I looked at Playboy and Hustler w/ my cousins. I was always able to score porn. I saw my first video porn at about 14. I remember how intriguing it was to watch sex in real life and actually see the dick going in and out of another person.

I remember stumbling across internet porn at about 19 or so. Never really got into it too severely. I was too busy actually acting out! There was some participation in gay chat rooms here and there. I usually just saw porn over at friend's houses or after I had hooked up w/ somebody it would be playing on the TV while we were fucking. While I was on my mission, I would sneak into the downstairs neighbor guy's apt. and watch porn and beat off. I eventually got caught (I didn't know I was being watched) and was consequently sent home.

It wasn't until after coming home from my mission that my porn interests and surfing habits went to a deeper, darker level. While my wife was at work I used to rent gay porn from the video shop, take it home, watch it and beat off a few times and them return it. I surfed porn in the computer rooms on campus. The type of porn I was looking at was getting worse and worse. Pictures didn't do it much for me anymore. I needed videos. And the material was getting much more depraved and hard core and intense. Stuff I had never even thought about were suddenly made known to me (i.e. fisting, water sports, edging, sounding, breeding, double penetration, S & M, leather, cum pigs etc. etc)

It's so hard for me to keep those images from cropping up in my mind and restimulating my addict. Or to not revert to thinking about those fantastic images and scenes whilst having sex w/ my wife. Plus my curiosity was so piqued by all those new things I watched which have now developed into new problems of their own. Which leads me to my next bottom line behavior.

6) Autoeroticism

For some, autoeroticism is simply masturbation. But for me, it's my way of lumping and describing all the despicable and warped things I do to myself. These are the things I would shit twice and die if anybody ever knew about. These are the shameful, disgusting things that make me want to hide and have the rocks cover me rather than have people know that I do them. I have never shared these things w/ another living soul.

Warning: Shocking, Depraved Shit Ahead!

Some of the autoerotic things I have done or are currently struggling w/ doing are ejaculating in my own mouth, pissing on myself or in my mouth, doing myself w/ all sorts of objects, sometimes more than one at a time so as to quench my passion or curiosity about double fucking (i.e. fingers, beer bottles, dildos, vibrating razor handles, plastic fruit, cucumbers, tools, shampoo bottles, bedknobs, broomsticks, shovel handles, plungers, etc), using my precum as lube, sticking things down my urethra such as pens, markers, necklaces, or screwdrivers (this is called "sounding"), using masturbation devices such as the head honcho or fleshlight, vibrators, massagers, and whirlpool jets, prostate massage and milking, edging (masturbating sometimes for hours on end but not allowing myself to ejaculate), wrapping rubber bands or cock rings around my balls and dick, putting ice cubes up my rectum, giving myself an enema in the shower w/ the shower wand, shaving my pubic hair and armpits, using anal beads, nipple stimulation (pinching or tickling), spraying scalding hot and then cold water on my balls as I masturbate, getting high while I masturbate, tickling, grinding, thrusting, yada yada. Once when I was 16 I found a used condom on the beach and then put it on myself and masturbated. Another time I sucked on my dog's balls while I masturbated. Pretty fucked up shit, right?

You have no idea how good it feels and the liberating feeling I have right now to finally get some of that twisted shit out of my head, even if it's only one here and not to another physical person.

7) Fantasy

I am obsessed w/ checking out guys' packages and asses. I am always looking...always. Everywhere I go. Church, school, gas station, bike riders, joggers, in the car, in my SA group, etc. Yet I tell myself what's the big deal? You've seen 1000's of dicks and asses in your lifetime. It's just a dick after all. What's so special about it? I haven't the foggiest why it is what it is. When I see a nice tight package I just stare and stare. I cannot stop. Or a beautiful tight ass. Or strong hands and arms. Those are features on guys I'm always looking at.

I've heard that when we get fixated on certain features it's b/c we feel inadequate w/ our own. That's probably true. I'd love to have a nice tight ass more than anything else. I've always secretly desired to be able to fit into a pair of Levi 501 jeans w/ the button fly that accentuates my package. I love looking down between my legs in the car and seeing my bulge. Or looking at myself in the mirror.

What's funny is that as I'm ogling a guy's package or his ass I don't imagine myself grabbing it or biting it or what his dick looks like hard or any of those things. I just become entranced in that particular feature. I can't really say I even fantasize about having actual sex w/ someone. My fantasy is usually just what I've described it to be. Or the "what ifs" of the things I'm curious about like I listed above. The things I didn't do. The places I didn't go. The people I didn't fuck. Things like that.

If you're still w/ me and haven't completely lost interest or are shocked beyond belief, thank you for reading and for trying to be compassionate and understanding about who I am.

I am a sex addict. Despite what I look like on the outside or how others may perceive me, I'm pretty fucked up in the head. Yet in my sober mind I know and realize I have a problem and I want help. I'm trying to take the right steps and set my life in order. I fight everyday to tame my dark passenger and put this depravity behind me.

I want so badly to forget; to return to innocence and be made whole. I crave peace.

Thursday, March 29, 2012


Sometimes I really struggle w/ feelings of mediocrity. I look back to the boy I was before I got lost in all this sex addiction shit and I hardly remember that person. I used to be such a motivated, focused, intelligent, goal-oriented type guy. But I think my addiction made me lose sight of who I truly am. I also think I did some permanent brain damage to myself huffing gas when I was a teenager which resulted in me forgetting how to be an overachiever.

The good Lord has blessed me in so many ways and I have many talents and abilities; yet there isn't one thing that I overly excel in or have been overly blessed w/. Perhaps I was just meant to have many different talents to bless lives in many different ways, rather than to solely have one particular thing that would put me above the crowd. Maybe God knew I would become too prideful or vain and loose myself in my greatness.

I guess I must be happy living in mediocrity b/c I know I could do something about it if I really wanted to but I don't. I could practice the violin, piano, and organ more. I could go to the gym and exercise and watch my diet. I could read more and enlighten my understanding and teach myself various things I am currently living in ignorance about i.e. politics, world news, religious history, etc. I could throw myself into my work, setting goals and aspiring higher. I could go back to school and work towards a degree in something I would be passionate about and help change the world. I could volunteer to serve my church and community or find ways to improve my surroundings and environment.

Yes, I know I could do any of those things at any time! The only thing stopping me is ME. Day after day passes and yet I do nothing to improve myself nor my life. I realize it's fucking laziness on my part and someday I'll probably look back and regret I didn't get up and get moving and start accomplishing shit rather than wasting my life.

What a waste of so much potential. :P
I guess mediocrity has become my way of life. It's my comfort zone.

Love & Sex

I have never in my entire life had sex b/c I loved somebody. For me sex love. I don't even know what it would feel like to have sex = love.

I had never thought about the difference between the two (love and sex) until a counselor asked me if having sex w/ my wife was my way of physically manifesting and expressing my love for her and her alone. The question took me by surprise, but it took me even more by surprise to answer no. When I have sex w/ my wife it isn't b/c I love her so much I want to share myself w/ her and be as close to her as two humans can be. At this point in my life and all the thousands of times I've had sex I have never done it b/c of love. Love has never even been a factor in the sex act. Sex is just Love is something completely different and I don't show, make, or feel true love through having sex.

So how do I define love? Love is commitment. Love is devotion. Love is friendship. Love is comfort and safety and security. Love is peace. I do love my wife. She is the world to me and I never want to be w/o her or our family. Yet I don't express those feelings (nor FEEL it) through having sex w/ her.

For me, there are 3 different kinds of sex: 1) Just lay there and let me do my thing. This usually involves me fantasizing or replaying past experiences in my mind while having sex. No kissing or hugging or anything else is usually involved. It's basically just her letting me do her rather than doing myself (not supposed to do that). We have this kind of sex 50% of the time. 2) Gentle, "making-love" type sex. Kissing and touching and tickling and all that is usually involved. Sometimes the tender love stuff and feelings those mushy feelings makes me feel uneasy, but I roll w/ it. I enjoy being w/ her and my thoughts are in the moment. I usually orally pleasure her (which I enjoy) and then I'll do her afterwards, still keeping my thoughts in the moment and not floating around. This occurs 30% of the time. 3) Fucking. This is my favorite and usually occurs about 20% of the time. Again, it's not an "I love you" type of thing but this is when lust consumes us both and it's hot and carnal and raunchy. Sometimes anal sex is involved, or she fingers me and licks and bites my nipples and tugs on my balls. Sex is outstanding! And my mind is free from all other thoughts. No one or nothing else comes into play when we are fucking. I can't get enough of her - her tits, her pussy, her body, everything. Sex w/ a woman usually disgusts most gay guys but I love it. This is how I know I'm different and another reason why I don't consider myself "gay." In all the times we've had sex, there was only twice I couldn't get a hard on. When I play w/ my wife's boobs, wherever we are, I always get hard. When I'm orally servicing my wife, I can't get my tongue in far enough! We kiss and we roll around and we get hot and steamy and it's truly great. Those are the times I truly feel like normal man. The kind that loves women and pussy and tits and all that. It's great to have those normal feelings despite the fact I'm sexually attracted to dudes.

This is what is so fucked up in my mind! That given the choice to have sex w/ a man or a woman, I'd choose the man. Or when I watch porn, it's gay porn, although hardcore straight porn is hot too. But there's something about gay sex that is so much more hot than straight sex.

It really hurt my wife when she told me what we both already knew and was always unspoken- that it didn't matter whether I had sex w/ her rather than w/ someone else. That she was nobody special. That I don't choose to have sex w/ her over somebody else b/c I'm so physically attracted to her, or more into her than other girls or guys, etc. etc. She said she knew if there was a choice for me to have sex w/ her or an ideal gay guy, I would choose the guy. She's probably correct.

So somehow I've got to bridge the gap between love and sex in my mind and rewire those connections. Sex needs to be an intimate, special bond I make w/ my wife to bring us closer together and shouldn't be something for me to use as an alternative to jacking off or an outlet for my fantasies or to relive past sexual memories and experiences. The husband-wife sex act should be more of a beautiful, virtuous thing to share your love and create that special bond.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012


I've written a lot today, but I'm bored at work and I told myself one of the purposes of this blog was to be an outlet for my thoughts, feelings, temptations, etc. and that when bored or tempted to jack off or surf porn or cruise during work hours, I would blog instead.

I've had some interesting thoughts about gaydar lately I want to blog about.

We all know what gaydar is; I don't need to define it. Well, I have superb gaydar. I can look across a room or crowded street, or watch TV commercials and immediately know whether the guy is queer or not. I've always had an exquisite sense of gaydar. I have no idea where it comes from. Nothing is ever spoken; no gesture is ever made. I read that SSA people are extremely detail oriented, which is why we pick up on various subliminal cues that regular folks might not see. Maybe that's true and maybe it isn't but for me it's just a feeling I get. I just know.

When I'm at a store and my gaydar goes off, my physiological reactions are quite odd. I get light headed and my breath leaves me. My stomach tickles and I start to tremble. I usually get a chub. Gaydar in the past has usually be used for a quickie. Anonymous sex usually ensued w/in the hour, if not the next 15 minutes. I realize how disgusting that sounds but that's the way it is. A lot of dudes use their gaydar the same way.

Perhaps gaydar, however, may be something deeper than just subliminal cues we pick up on that aid us in our sex hunt.

As I wrote earlier we are all sons and daughters of God and lived w/ him before we came to earth. I personally believe that before we came to earth we knew what trials and hardships we were going to face while here on earth. I think that I knew I would struggle w/ SSA and have a sex addiction. I believe there was groups of us and that we knew we would carry the same cross. Almost like a band of brothers in heaven, so-to-speak. Of course, the veil took that personalization away but we were still left w/ some sort of  a recognition of those other spirits from heaven that would deal w/ these issues. That is what I think gaydar is. When I meet somebody and get that unspoken sense or feeling that he's gay, it is my spirit recognizing that I knew him before that would deal w/ these issues too.

Kind of a deep, interesting way of looking at things.


As Mormons, we believe we existed before our earth life and that we lived all together w/ our Heavenly Father in paradise. We also believe that a plan was presented which would help us eternally progress and someday become like our Father in Heaven (exaltation). We would come to earth, gain physical bodies, and after obtaining the required ordinances, overcoming trials and sin through the help of our elder brother Jesus Christ's Atonement, we would be resurrected after death and be able to return and rule, reign, and live w/ God and Christ again forever.

The plan that was presented had two sides. 1) We would have the gift of free agency and could make (and be accountable!) for our own choices. Nothing would be forced upon us. Because God knew we would all eventually sin, a Savior would be necessary for us to overcome spiritual and physical death. Christ offered to be that Savior but rather than keeping the glory for himself, glory would be to the Father. 2) Satan wanted men to not have the option to make their own choices. Therefore all would return to live w/ God again but he wanted the glory for himself. His plan was rejected and approx. 1/3 of all of God's spirit children that decided to follow Satan were subsequently cast out of heaven with him. Satan and his followers did not get physical bodies and are here roaming the earth, tempting us and constantly leading us astray.

It has been speculated that perhaps those spirits who live in this day and age (the latter-days) were reserved b/c they were extra special in the pre-existence, or had more gifts and strengths than others. We would need to be strong and have certain gifts and abilities to help prepare the world for the 2nd coming of the Savior and help usher in the millennium. It would be an extremely wicked time and we would be tried in all things.

Sometimes if makes me feel good to think maybe I was somebody really special before earth and God wants me for a wise purpose. Perhaps that's why I was preserved through all the unprotected sex, the carelessness, the drinking and experimentation, all the bad places I've been and dark and seedy roads I've trod. Perhaps I'm meant to do or be something great. Perhaps it was just to preserve me long enough to sober up and have beautiful children and perhaps THEY would someday do or become something mighty. Since I have absolutely nil self-esteem, thoughts like this really help bolster me up a tad.

When I think of all the blessings I've been bestowed w/ (my talents, family, strong physical body and features, born in the church, raised in Mormonville, USA in America, have a sound mind (well, some of the time), etc). it makes me step back and think, "damn, maybe there's something to all this after all." Maybe that's why Satan and all of his damned spirits work so hard on me. Is he particularly intent on seeing me fail to thwart some unseen thing I'm meant to do in the future? Who knows.

I've also thought that b/c of how truly wicked I've been in the past and my dark desires, perhaps I was somewhat in the middle in the War in Heaven. Maybe I listened to both sides and while both sounded really great, I decided to go w/ Jesus' plan in the end. Maybe that's why I'm so quick to do and be so bad. Total fencewalker. Never really hot. Never really cold.

I don't know if it's my sex addiction or just plain evil that consumes me, but sometimes when I'm acting out I could totally envelope myself in those feelings of lust, and carnality, and dirtiness and vulgarity. It feels so good to be dark and to give in and be bad. It amazes me that rather than just sliding a little bit one way or another on the scale I always go to extreme polar opposites. Why is that? It's like the nursery rhyme, "and when 'he' was good he was very, very good, but when 'he' was bad he was horrid."

I talked w/ a friend of mine about what he thought about possession. I asked him if it's possible to be partially-possessed. He said absolutely. I believe that. I think that when we are surfing porn or acting unholy or in ways contrary to God's plan, the Holy Ghost and the light of Christ leaves us and we are left to the buffetings of Satan and some of his followers 'take over.' Not permanently, obviously, but they enjoy the ride for a while.

I hope I'll understand more in the future. I hope someday I can truly know in my heart I'm something special and that I am destined for great things. I hope I wasn't as wishy-washy in the pre-existence as I am now but rather that I was a resolute, strong spirit that God reserved for these last days.


I am blessed to have been born to a great Mormon family in Idaho. My parents were sealed in the temple a few years before I was born and my home was always a place the spirit could reside, although we were in no way stringent, religious zealots. We were never an up-every-morning-reading-scriptures type family nor did we hold regular FHE, family prayer, or do things like attend church when we were out of town. My parents drank coffee every morning and I watched a lot of rated R movies growing up and obviously had my sex issues and stuff like. But it was a comfortable upbringing, a lovely family, and there was never any doubt in my mind what our belief system was or what was right and wrong. My parents were always trying to be better, which is what life is all about. Sure they still had their struggles and weaknesses and (wait-for-it) addictions, but I had my testimony firmly instilled in me at a young age, though it wasn't through any intentional act (i.e. fasting, rigorous scripture study, mission 'a-ha' experience etc). It was  just something I always knew was true.

Let me say here that this was actually was one of the things that used to piss me off. I was so sick of hearing people blubber from the pulpit about how they knew w/ every fiber of their being that this church was true, Joseph Smith was a true prophet, God lives, yada yada. Yet I never had that lightening bolt, that burning boson, that overwhelming emotion. Where the hell was the Holy Ghost!? Wasn't he the one that was supposed to give me those feelings and personal revelations? Why did God always feel so far away and never hear and answer me? It finally dawned on me that I have always known the church is true. It wasn't something I needed an 'a-ha' experience for, or a miracle, or a lightening bolt from the heavens. It's always been there. To this day I have never doubted my basic testimony of the gospel. Of course there are branches of my testimony that are stronger than others, but I think that's the case w/ many people. I know I do have a strong, fundamental testimony that this church is true. Personally I think this concrete testimony of mine is one of my spritual gifts. I hope it always remains strong enough to weather the storms that continue to come my way in life. So far I'm still grounded and still a faithful believer.

I am the youngest child in my family. My older siblings are quite a bit older that I am, so they were gone from the house by the time I was 9. I was pretty much an only child and I grew up way out in the country. My mom and dad served in various callings and my Dad was called as Bishop at Ricks when I was about 11. I don't really remember privately studying scriptures by myself or saying prayers before bed or anything like that growing up. My parents and I went through the dramatized stories of the BOM on cassette tape once but that was about it. Like I mentioned above, we were always wanting and trying to do better and be better. I would say we were slightly warmer than lukewarm Mormons, if that makes sense.

I attended primary and still have all my articles of faith memorized! I was baptized at 8 (right on schedule!) although I don't remember anything about my baptism nor confirmation.

At 12 I moved into my priesthood classes and did my fast offerings, passed the sacrament, etc. like a good little Deacon. I was also the regular priesthood pianist. But I was also jacking off occasionally in an upstairs classroom by myself at church and by this time I had already had the experience w/ watching the girl finger herself at church too. Throughout my teens, I don't remember privately studying scriptures by myself or saying prayers before bed or anything like that. I went to seminary and memorized my scripture mastery scriptures, but I was so miserable at school and w/ my schoolmates that it made learning and feeling comfortable there so difficult. I wasn't able to walk for seminary graduation b/c of the sexual letters fiasco (see "my story") and was later mailed my graduation certificate. Woo-hoo! Yet I always was able to find solace in my cock and through regular sexual experiences w/ my cousins and other people.

During H.S. and then afterwards and all-throughout my promiscuous years, I was serving as ward organist. So every Sunday I was sitting on the stand giving the impression to all those in the congregation what a clean-cut, good little Mormon boy I was. Boy were they way off! By that point I had been able to completely construct myself an idyllic, perfect double life.

At 19, right smack-dab in the middle of my sexual exploits, I got my patriarchal blessing. Although I wasn't worthy to receive it at the time that blessing was just what I needed to start sobering me up and get the wheels turning. It talked about my mission, about my future wife and children, about serving a mission later in life, and gave me strong, bold counsel and warned me, very frighteningly I might add, what would happen if I chose to live my life a different way (which I knew and still do to this day that it refers to my same-sex addiction).

The part in my blessing about my mission kept going around and around in my head yet I had never planned on serving a mission before. It wasn't even a thought growing up! I wasn't the little Mormon boy that earnestly saves his money from mowing lawns and all that other shit growing up to one day use towards a mission. I think it was the break-up and desertion of a dear friend of mine that propelled me to serve a mission. The preparation leading up to it was some of the most wonderful and spiritual times of my life. I had a great time at the MTC! I loved it and never wanted to leave. Maybe it was the safety I felt or that I finally felt included in a group or had friends or something. I was also called as the District Leader at the MTC. Dunno where that came from but I gladly accepted the calling and performed my duties. I turned 22 while at the MTC.

When I first got out to my mission I remember I slept completely naked in the bed at the Mission President's house my first night b/c I wasn't used to the humidity. What a way to start things out!

There had been some trouble w/ disobedient missionaries in my mission so my Mission President had completely turned our mission into a military prep school. That was definitely something I wasn't prepared for. To make a long story short, the Assistants had to come and visit me my first week and tell me to shape up or ship out. After they left I walked down to the main road and called my parents and told them I wanted to come home and it wasn't for me. They said to just settle down and do what I'm told and it will get easier. I did settle down and let go of my pride and it did get easier.

During my mission I trained 3 times, and served as District Leader twice. I served for 20 months. I hold my mission (well, parts of my mission) very dear to my heart. I never did have that "this is the reason I was supposed to come here" experience, however. I just kind of floated. I never felt guided by the Holy Ghost or inspired to do this, that or the other. I can tell you that my eyes and understanding and knowledge of the gospel and scriptures were completely opened up on my mission b/c I drank in the scriptures like they were the best thing I had ever tasted! I read through the quad twice and made reference charts, and maps, and a synopsis. I completely soaked up as much as I could. I am still amazed that I was able to do that. I think that the purpose of my mission was to save my own soul and that I was out there for as long as I needed to be and accomplished the things I was meant to accomplish. Somehow along the way, definitely not by mine own efforts, I was able to see 11 baptisms!

After I was sent home, my parents and I read the scriptures together every night and I shared w/ them my knowledge and understanding. I was disfellowshipped, yet even when I was reinstated I never really felt forgiven or had finally got that testimony of the Atonement I so desperately wanted *ahem* want. For whatever reason the Atonement is still one of the things I only know in my head, and not in my heart. I hate that.

Since getting married my wife and I strive to do what we know is right. We go in spurts like I think some other couples do. We are constantly wanting to better ourselves. We just need to stop being so fucking lazy and DO IT! I do think we're better than my parents were when I was growing up and that we are raising our kids in a more spiritual way. We try to do FHE w/ them, say prayers every night as a family and at meals, attend church (most of the time) and teach them about God and gospel principles.

I love being Mormon. I know it is the true church. I have been blessed so abundantly even though I've been a major fuck up for most of my life. I know the scriptures are true. I know that Joseph Smith was a prophet and did all the things he said he did. I know that God loves me and that I'm his son and he knows my heart. I know that family, home and church are the absolutely most important things in life and that they should be #1 over everything else. I hope my testimony and relationship w/ the Savior can continue to develop and that someday I will finally feel that genuine love and forgiveness from him and have the passion and desire to do what's right above all else.

Monday, March 26, 2012


I'll keep this first post short and sweet.

I am a married, Mormon sex addict. Despite being happily married and having a great fulfilling sex life w/ my wife, I shelter deep, secret sexual attractions, compulsions, desires, and temptations which are most always same-sex oriented.

Despite my "clean" veneer on the outside, I constantly deal w/ a dark, carnal, lustful, voratious, insatiable, depraved sexual appetite. Indeed this addiction is my 'dark passenger'.

I have much that I need to get out and I thought this would be a good way for me to make sense of the chaos in my brain and aid me in this journey as I trudge along the turbulent path to self control and eventual peace of heart, mind and soul.