Friday, March 30, 2012

My Bottom Lines

Every week in group we go around the room and disclose our bottom line behaviors. Bottom line behaviors is any sexual or emotional or physical act which, once engaged in, leads to loss of control of the addictive process. (wikipedia)

The following are my bottom line behaviors along w/ a short description of each. Be warned, it gets intense.

1) Masturbation

I began masturbating when I was about 7 years old. It's the best thing since sliced bread IMHO. I have never gone more than 3 weeks it my entire life w/o masturbating, except for a 3 month stint last winter (I'm still shocked I was able to go that long!) Something interesting to note is that I have never had a wet dream. I think it's b/c I have never allowed my body time enough to build up semen and to eventually come out naturally w/o manipulating it myself. I have masturbated pretty much anywhere. You name the place, time, or circumstance and I've probably done it. School, church, car, work, stores, dressing rooms, outdoors, in public, private, pools, etc. etc.

I believe that masturbation is a normal part of a boy's development. But when it becomes your master, your drug, your comfort, that's when it becomes a problem and an addiction. And what an addiction it is! I also believe that since masturbation is a natural, carnal instinct, and as Mormons we are taught that the 'natural man' is an enemy to God that we should have the strength and the ability to master our bodily, carnal desires and control ourselves. We should master our masturbation rather than have our masturbation master us.

Sometimes I wonder how it would be to not be Mormon and not have (or care) about the knowledge and testimony I have that the natural man is an enemy to God. How would it be to masturbate whenever I wanted, however I wanted, and as often as I wanted and to not feel those feelings of self-deprecation and guilt and shame and self disgust afterwards.

2) Mutual Masturbation

I identify this as a bottom line behavior of mine b/c this has recently become a real problem for me. It's my way of acting out w/ another guy in a way that I feel doesn't jeopardize my church membership or relationship and commitment w/ my wife. How fucked up is that! What an idiotic way to rationalize or justify my dark, adulterous heart.

Since I married I used to just watch people fuck or jack off and I would never take my dick out. I had brainwashed myself that since I wasn't doing anything I was still being faithful to my wife. Yet, I eventually got to the point that I would masturbate w/ them or while I watched them do stuff w/ somebody else. There was never any real touching of each other's body (or very minimal). But towards the end of my out-of-control spiral last fall I was actually touching/grabbing/feeling the guy's strong arms or chest as our bodies were so close together our thighs were touching. A few times a guy would try to touch my dick or my balls. For some reason when that happened it felt like I had taken that fatal, extra step. Still, I never did touch the other guy's dick or balls and I never took it one step further to actual oral sex or any of that. Snaps for me. (Yeah, right!)

3) Voyeurism

Sometimes I surprise myself that I was able to go to gay bathhouses, bars, clubs, parks, steam rooms, etc. and actually be in the presence of men fucking or sucking or doing everything else under the sun and not do anything. I would just watch. I wouldn't even expose my dick. That really has to say something about my self control. I remember wanting so badly to touch or participate, yet I never let myself cross that fine line so as to remain faithful to my wife. I would watch and drink in those experiences to refer back to when I was masturbating alone or having NSA sex w/ my wife. My "porn" was real life, high definition!

I would frequently go to the gay park and watch from my car or hide in some trees w/ my binoculars and patiently wait to catch them in the act or watch them doing stuff in the car together or by themselves. I have made voyeurism an art form.

4) Cruising

How many hours after hours I have spent cruising. How many hundreds upon hundreds of dollars I have spent in gas to troll the various parks, malls, streets, bookstores, etc. in my car from city to city. When I cruise I'm completely out of touch w/ reality. I would remove my wedding ring so the guys wouldn't know I was cheating on my wife. My family, my eternal salvation, my church membership, my health, my reputation, my freedom (the law) etc. goes out the window and I enter a gray zone. I am solely focused and caught up in the moment. Nothing else matters nor exists except the hunt. I am a master cruiser.

5) Pornography

Porn has always been a part of my life. Yet I can go months or years w/o looking at it. It's bizarre. I grew up watching and jacking off to the 80s titty flicks and love scenes. As a teen I looked at Playboy and Hustler w/ my cousins. I was always able to score porn. I saw my first video porn at about 14. I remember how intriguing it was to watch sex in real life and actually see the dick going in and out of another person.

I remember stumbling across internet porn at about 19 or so. Never really got into it too severely. I was too busy actually acting out! There was some participation in gay chat rooms here and there. I usually just saw porn over at friend's houses or after I had hooked up w/ somebody it would be playing on the TV while we were fucking. While I was on my mission, I would sneak into the downstairs neighbor guy's apt. and watch porn and beat off. I eventually got caught (I didn't know I was being watched) and was consequently sent home.

It wasn't until after coming home from my mission that my porn interests and surfing habits went to a deeper, darker level. While my wife was at work I used to rent gay porn from the video shop, take it home, watch it and beat off a few times and them return it. I surfed porn in the computer rooms on campus. The type of porn I was looking at was getting worse and worse. Pictures didn't do it much for me anymore. I needed videos. And the material was getting much more depraved and hard core and intense. Stuff I had never even thought about were suddenly made known to me (i.e. fisting, water sports, edging, sounding, breeding, double penetration, S & M, leather, cum pigs etc. etc)

It's so hard for me to keep those images from cropping up in my mind and restimulating my addict. Or to not revert to thinking about those fantastic images and scenes whilst having sex w/ my wife. Plus my curiosity was so piqued by all those new things I watched which have now developed into new problems of their own. Which leads me to my next bottom line behavior.

6) Autoeroticism

For some, autoeroticism is simply masturbation. But for me, it's my way of lumping and describing all the despicable and warped things I do to myself. These are the things I would shit twice and die if anybody ever knew about. These are the shameful, disgusting things that make me want to hide and have the rocks cover me rather than have people know that I do them. I have never shared these things w/ another living soul.

Warning: Shocking, Depraved Shit Ahead!

Some of the autoerotic things I have done or are currently struggling w/ doing are ejaculating in my own mouth, pissing on myself or in my mouth, doing myself w/ all sorts of objects, sometimes more than one at a time so as to quench my passion or curiosity about double fucking (i.e. fingers, beer bottles, dildos, vibrating razor handles, plastic fruit, cucumbers, tools, shampoo bottles, bedknobs, broomsticks, shovel handles, plungers, etc), using my precum as lube, sticking things down my urethra such as pens, markers, necklaces, or screwdrivers (this is called "sounding"), using masturbation devices such as the head honcho or fleshlight, vibrators, massagers, and whirlpool jets, prostate massage and milking, edging (masturbating sometimes for hours on end but not allowing myself to ejaculate), wrapping rubber bands or cock rings around my balls and dick, putting ice cubes up my rectum, giving myself an enema in the shower w/ the shower wand, shaving my pubic hair and armpits, using anal beads, nipple stimulation (pinching or tickling), spraying scalding hot and then cold water on my balls as I masturbate, getting high while I masturbate, tickling, grinding, thrusting, yada yada. Once when I was 16 I found a used condom on the beach and then put it on myself and masturbated. Another time I sucked on my dog's balls while I masturbated. Pretty fucked up shit, right?

You have no idea how good it feels and the liberating feeling I have right now to finally get some of that twisted shit out of my head, even if it's only one here and not to another physical person.

7) Fantasy

I am obsessed w/ checking out guys' packages and asses. I am always looking...always. Everywhere I go. Church, school, gas station, bike riders, joggers, in the car, in my SA group, etc. Yet I tell myself what's the big deal? You've seen 1000's of dicks and asses in your lifetime. It's just a dick after all. What's so special about it? I haven't the foggiest why it is what it is. When I see a nice tight package I just stare and stare. I cannot stop. Or a beautiful tight ass. Or strong hands and arms. Those are features on guys I'm always looking at.

I've heard that when we get fixated on certain features it's b/c we feel inadequate w/ our own. That's probably true. I'd love to have a nice tight ass more than anything else. I've always secretly desired to be able to fit into a pair of Levi 501 jeans w/ the button fly that accentuates my package. I love looking down between my legs in the car and seeing my bulge. Or looking at myself in the mirror.

What's funny is that as I'm ogling a guy's package or his ass I don't imagine myself grabbing it or biting it or what his dick looks like hard or any of those things. I just become entranced in that particular feature. I can't really say I even fantasize about having actual sex w/ someone. My fantasy is usually just what I've described it to be. Or the "what ifs" of the things I'm curious about like I listed above. The things I didn't do. The places I didn't go. The people I didn't fuck. Things like that.

If you're still w/ me and haven't completely lost interest or are shocked beyond belief, thank you for reading and for trying to be compassionate and understanding about who I am.

I am a sex addict. Despite what I look like on the outside or how others may perceive me, I'm pretty fucked up in the head. Yet in my sober mind I know and realize I have a problem and I want help. I'm trying to take the right steps and set my life in order. I fight everyday to tame my dark passenger and put this depravity behind me.

I want so badly to forget; to return to innocence and be made whole. I crave peace.



    I am a sex addict as well. We can overcome this!

  2. Thank you, Bravone, for continuing to love me and be there for me.