Thursday, March 29, 2012

Love & Sex

I have never in my entire life had sex b/c I loved somebody. For me sex love. I don't even know what it would feel like to have sex = love.

I had never thought about the difference between the two (love and sex) until a counselor asked me if having sex w/ my wife was my way of physically manifesting and expressing my love for her and her alone. The question took me by surprise, but it took me even more by surprise to answer no. When I have sex w/ my wife it isn't b/c I love her so much I want to share myself w/ her and be as close to her as two humans can be. At this point in my life and all the thousands of times I've had sex I have never done it b/c of love. Love has never even been a factor in the sex act. Sex is just Love is something completely different and I don't show, make, or feel true love through having sex.

So how do I define love? Love is commitment. Love is devotion. Love is friendship. Love is comfort and safety and security. Love is peace. I do love my wife. She is the world to me and I never want to be w/o her or our family. Yet I don't express those feelings (nor FEEL it) through having sex w/ her.

For me, there are 3 different kinds of sex: 1) Just lay there and let me do my thing. This usually involves me fantasizing or replaying past experiences in my mind while having sex. No kissing or hugging or anything else is usually involved. It's basically just her letting me do her rather than doing myself (not supposed to do that). We have this kind of sex 50% of the time. 2) Gentle, "making-love" type sex. Kissing and touching and tickling and all that is usually involved. Sometimes the tender love stuff and feelings those mushy feelings makes me feel uneasy, but I roll w/ it. I enjoy being w/ her and my thoughts are in the moment. I usually orally pleasure her (which I enjoy) and then I'll do her afterwards, still keeping my thoughts in the moment and not floating around. This occurs 30% of the time. 3) Fucking. This is my favorite and usually occurs about 20% of the time. Again, it's not an "I love you" type of thing but this is when lust consumes us both and it's hot and carnal and raunchy. Sometimes anal sex is involved, or she fingers me and licks and bites my nipples and tugs on my balls. Sex is outstanding! And my mind is free from all other thoughts. No one or nothing else comes into play when we are fucking. I can't get enough of her - her tits, her pussy, her body, everything. Sex w/ a woman usually disgusts most gay guys but I love it. This is how I know I'm different and another reason why I don't consider myself "gay." In all the times we've had sex, there was only twice I couldn't get a hard on. When I play w/ my wife's boobs, wherever we are, I always get hard. When I'm orally servicing my wife, I can't get my tongue in far enough! We kiss and we roll around and we get hot and steamy and it's truly great. Those are the times I truly feel like normal man. The kind that loves women and pussy and tits and all that. It's great to have those normal feelings despite the fact I'm sexually attracted to dudes.

This is what is so fucked up in my mind! That given the choice to have sex w/ a man or a woman, I'd choose the man. Or when I watch porn, it's gay porn, although hardcore straight porn is hot too. But there's something about gay sex that is so much more hot than straight sex.

It really hurt my wife when she told me what we both already knew and was always unspoken- that it didn't matter whether I had sex w/ her rather than w/ someone else. That she was nobody special. That I don't choose to have sex w/ her over somebody else b/c I'm so physically attracted to her, or more into her than other girls or guys, etc. etc. She said she knew if there was a choice for me to have sex w/ her or an ideal gay guy, I would choose the guy. She's probably correct.

So somehow I've got to bridge the gap between love and sex in my mind and rewire those connections. Sex needs to be an intimate, special bond I make w/ my wife to bring us closer together and shouldn't be something for me to use as an alternative to jacking off or an outlet for my fantasies or to relive past sexual memories and experiences. The husband-wife sex act should be more of a beautiful, virtuous thing to share your love and create that special bond.

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