Thursday, March 29, 2012


Sometimes I really struggle w/ feelings of mediocrity. I look back to the boy I was before I got lost in all this sex addiction shit and I hardly remember that person. I used to be such a motivated, focused, intelligent, goal-oriented type guy. But I think my addiction made me lose sight of who I truly am. I also think I did some permanent brain damage to myself huffing gas when I was a teenager which resulted in me forgetting how to be an overachiever.

The good Lord has blessed me in so many ways and I have many talents and abilities; yet there isn't one thing that I overly excel in or have been overly blessed w/. Perhaps I was just meant to have many different talents to bless lives in many different ways, rather than to solely have one particular thing that would put me above the crowd. Maybe God knew I would become too prideful or vain and loose myself in my greatness.

I guess I must be happy living in mediocrity b/c I know I could do something about it if I really wanted to but I don't. I could practice the violin, piano, and organ more. I could go to the gym and exercise and watch my diet. I could read more and enlighten my understanding and teach myself various things I am currently living in ignorance about i.e. politics, world news, religious history, etc. I could throw myself into my work, setting goals and aspiring higher. I could go back to school and work towards a degree in something I would be passionate about and help change the world. I could volunteer to serve my church and community or find ways to improve my surroundings and environment.

Yes, I know I could do any of those things at any time! The only thing stopping me is ME. Day after day passes and yet I do nothing to improve myself nor my life. I realize it's fucking laziness on my part and someday I'll probably look back and regret I didn't get up and get moving and start accomplishing shit rather than wasting my life.

What a waste of so much potential. :P
I guess mediocrity has become my way of life. It's my comfort zone.

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