Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Wishy-Washy

As Mormons, we believe we existed before our earth life and that we lived all together w/ our Heavenly Father in paradise. We also believe that a plan was presented which would help us eternally progress and someday become like our Father in Heaven (exaltation). We would come to earth, gain physical bodies, and after obtaining the required ordinances, overcoming trials and sin through the help of our elder brother Jesus Christ's Atonement, we would be resurrected after death and be able to return and rule, reign, and live w/ God and Christ again forever.

The plan that was presented had two sides. 1) We would have the gift of free agency and could make (and be accountable!) for our own choices. Nothing would be forced upon us. Because God knew we would all eventually sin, a Savior would be necessary for us to overcome spiritual and physical death. Christ offered to be that Savior but rather than keeping the glory for himself, glory would be to the Father. 2) Satan wanted men to not have the option to make their own choices. Therefore all would return to live w/ God again but he wanted the glory for himself. His plan was rejected and approx. 1/3 of all of God's spirit children that decided to follow Satan were subsequently cast out of heaven with him. Satan and his followers did not get physical bodies and are here roaming the earth, tempting us and constantly leading us astray.

It has been speculated that perhaps those spirits who live in this day and age (the latter-days) were reserved b/c they were extra special in the pre-existence, or had more gifts and strengths than others. We would need to be strong and have certain gifts and abilities to help prepare the world for the 2nd coming of the Savior and help usher in the millennium. It would be an extremely wicked time and we would be tried in all things.

Sometimes if makes me feel good to think maybe I was somebody really special before earth and God wants me for a wise purpose. Perhaps that's why I was preserved through all the unprotected sex, the carelessness, the drinking and experimentation, all the bad places I've been and dark and seedy roads I've trod. Perhaps I'm meant to do or be something great. Perhaps it was just to preserve me long enough to sober up and have beautiful children and perhaps THEY would someday do or become something mighty. Since I have absolutely nil self-esteem, thoughts like this really help bolster me up a tad.

When I think of all the blessings I've been bestowed w/ (my talents, family, strong physical body and features, born in the church, raised in Mormonville, USA in America, have a sound mind (well, some of the time), etc). it makes me step back and think, "damn, maybe there's something to all this after all." Maybe that's why Satan and all of his damned spirits work so hard on me. Is he particularly intent on seeing me fail to thwart some unseen thing I'm meant to do in the future? Who knows.

I've also thought that b/c of how truly wicked I've been in the past and my dark desires, perhaps I was somewhat in the middle in the War in Heaven. Maybe I listened to both sides and while both sounded really great, I decided to go w/ Jesus' plan in the end. Maybe that's why I'm so quick to do and be so bad. Total fencewalker. Never really hot. Never really cold.

I don't know if it's my sex addiction or just plain evil that consumes me, but sometimes when I'm acting out I could totally envelope myself in those feelings of lust, and carnality, and dirtiness and vulgarity. It feels so good to be dark and to give in and be bad. It amazes me that rather than just sliding a little bit one way or another on the scale I always go to extreme polar opposites. Why is that? It's like the nursery rhyme, "and when 'he' was good he was very, very good, but when 'he' was bad he was horrid."

I talked w/ a friend of mine about what he thought about possession. I asked him if it's possible to be partially-possessed. He said absolutely. I believe that. I think that when we are surfing porn or acting unholy or in ways contrary to God's plan, the Holy Ghost and the light of Christ leaves us and we are left to the buffetings of Satan and some of his followers 'take over.' Not permanently, obviously, but they enjoy the ride for a while.

I hope I'll understand more in the future. I hope someday I can truly know in my heart I'm something special and that I am destined for great things. I hope I wasn't as wishy-washy in the pre-existence as I am now but rather that I was a resolute, strong spirit that God reserved for these last days.

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