Monday, April 30, 2012

Relapse & Reset


Friday was another bottom of the barrel day for me. A complete relapse. I don't feel like writing all the gory details. Let me just say it started off w/ me surfing Craigslist ads at work. Mid afternoon I left work and cruised at the park. Thanks to Satan, I  was able to again meet the same 2 guys I had watched do each other in the bathroom the day before. We all 3 left the park, following each other in our cars, to a house of one of the guys. He put on porn and they let me watch them have sex again. I masturbated in front of them this time and we orgasmed together. Still no physical touch took place on my end, however. I was able to keep my head clear enough to not completely act out sexually or physically w/ these men.

I went back to work and called my wife and told her I had relapased and what had happened. It was devastating but I'm grateful I was able to honestly and openly tell her what had happened immediately. No secrets; no lies; no stuffing it way deep down inside. That night we talked more about life and my recovery. The fact is I don't do anything in regards to my addiction recovery besides faithfully attending my SA group every week. I don't see a therapist, I don't go to any other groups, I don't read the literature, I don't do the workbooks. I know that my addiction has me whipped. I have no control over my dark passenger when he takes over. I am powerless over him. Yet I won't surrender myself to God by turning to him and asking for his help and showing my determination to change by DOING something. Damn me!

This is what my wife and I talked concluded I would do different this time:
  • No more TV at night. I don't watch TV hardly at all, but every night from 9 - 10 I do watch Family Guy. It's an easy way to numb out and unwind, yet Family Guy, as much as I love it, is definitely not condusive to the Spirit of the Lord. I've always known it wasn't uplifting, but my natural man just didn't/doesn't want to give it up. But I know I need to. So, rather than watching TV at night we are instead going to put on some smooth jazz music or something similar and read. I will read and work in my recovery books as well as my wife is going to read the recovery books and other literature to enlighten herself and help better support me. We'll also read General Conference talks and other books that interest us and that aren't questionable.
  • I met w/ my Bishop yesterday and commited to make it through the month of May w/o masturbating. I promised to update him on my progress and status by sending periodic texts. It's going to be so hard (haha-no pun intended) but I've got to do it. And no justifying other self-stimulating behaviors (i.e. pushing myself up against the kitchen counter, tickling myself, grinding into the mattress, having my hands constantly touching my package or admiring it while driving or sitting at work, no checking myself out in the mirrow, no using the shower wand on myself while showering, etc etc etc). Good Lord, I could fill a book of all the no-nos.
  • No more Craigslist or other triggering internet sites at all! Neither going to places I shouldn't such as parks, bathrooms, streets, stores etc. that I know are cruise spots or places to potentially meet or lust after people.
  • Striving to not focus on past experiences or allowing myself to be triggered and have lustful thoughts or a wicked heart.
  • Attending more weekly meetings if I feel the need to. I hate having to sacrifice time away from my wife and kids to leave and go to meetings, but I need to do what I need to do. I read that "step 0" is association and fellowship w/ others in recovery so I'm going to do just that. Last night I attended a LDS 12-step meeting and although it was a bit different than my SA group, it was a warm, safe place and the Spirit was definitely present! I'm so glad I went.
  • Really try hard to humble myself, and get on my knees and ask for God's help when I need to! Try and surrender myself to him rather than stubbornly refusing to let Him in. 
So, that's where I'm at. I'm starting from scratch but hopefully this time I'm setting myself up to achieve, rather than fail.

I want to conclude by sharing one of my favorite quotes: "Two men looked out of the same prison bars. One saw mud, the other saw stars." ~ Frederick Langbridge.



Friday, April 27, 2012

Another Slip

How ironic I just wrote about the phenomenal personal victory I had over lust just 2 days ago, yet yesterday I let myself majorly slip down a terrible, slippery slope. I don't know what happened. It was as if I entered a state of auto-pilot (my gray zone). The dark passenger completely took over and I was helpless. Everything else just faded away.

It began by nonchalantly surfing Craigslist ads yesterday afternoon. I was actually really tempted to post one of my own. I was going to post an ad looking for somebody to just meet and hold/hug. Nothing sexual; just a long, tight embrace. It sounds as gay as hell, I know. I don't know what's going on in my fucking head that is making me crave male attention and touch lately.

I didn't create the post, however, nor did I respond to any others. Snaps for me, right? Nope, I don't think so.

Hardly w/o any hesitation I left work early and went to a gay park here in town to cruise. When I pulled in I saw 3 empty cars near the restroom. My insides completely flipped upside down I was so excited. I knew what I was going to find. I have completely mastered my technique.

I got out of my car and tiptoed to the park bathroom so the guys inside wouldn't hear me approaching. I quickly flung open the door and went in. Lo and behold! 3 guys having a 3-way in the bathroom stall. They got nervous and stopped doing their thing b/c they were thought I was a cop or something, but I assured them I just wanted to watch. 1 of the guys was too freaked out to continue doing anything besides stand there. The other 2 guys continued to masturbate. They tried to touch me, but I brushed their hand away and said "no, I just like to watch." That's how I justify in my mind that I'm still being 'faithful' to my wife. What a fucking freak I am! But I never did take my dick out of my pants in front of them.

The 2 guys then engaged in anal sex. I couldn't believe it! With no protection! It was something right out of a porn fantasy. Satan had set everything up just perfectly! Of course at the time and since then I've thought how hot and erotic it all was (having park bathroom bareback sex).  But then I've also thought about the guy bottoming and how he was so lost in his lust that he was allowing this other guy, a random hook up, to penetrate him. No thought of STDs or anything!!?? How sad for him. Oh, and did I mention that the guy that was getting screwed was married? Or I think he was b/c he was wearing a wedding ring. What about his wife? Does she know her husband is going out and getting fucked bareback by guys in park bathrooms? So I can see it from both ways as I'm sure you (reader) can too. It's so hot, yet it's so tragic.

Both guys ejaculated and then we all dispersed as quick as can be. I took the experience w/ me to the gas station bathroom where I masturbated while I replayed and relusted the experience. The afterglow was of course overshadowed by the terrible realization of what I had done. But, like always, the guilt and shame left after about an hour or so and turned back into a turn on as I thought and rethought about the experience.

But it doesn't stop there. After I got home my wife left me alone to go run some errands so I decided to really let my hair down. I sounded myself, used a back massager down on myself, and did myself w/ 2 objects at the same time. Can you see now why I feel like I'm so past the point of no return? It's so detestable, disgusting, loathsome, raunchy, horrifying and downright evil. Yet on the outside I'm as cool as a summer morning.

Ho hum.

But I guess today's a new day, right? And I'm back here at work staring at a computer screen all day, feeling lonely and isolalted and vulnerable. I know it would help me immensely to just go into the bathroom, kneel down, and offer my whole heart up to God, yet I can't. WHY CAN'T I? I know I need Him and His help yet I just can't let go. Pray for me.

 

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Reaching Out

I have to admit sometimes I grow really weary of always having to be the first person to reach out to another person. Especially w/ guys. It always seems like I'm the one making the phone calls or sending the text messages to reach out to somebody else. Then when I don't get adequate reciprocation my guard immediately goes up to protect my already hurt feelings. It's that lonely little boy inside of me still wanting desperately to fit in and be liked by the other boys.

Maybe it's b/c I have more time on my hands. Maybe it's b/c I'm more lonely and needy of others' (guys) attention and affection. Maybe it's b/c I have a more sensitive, caring side that most regular straight men don't. Whatever the reason, I always try to make other people feel like they're cared about and/or thought about. Sometimes I worry that they'll get the wrong impression and that I'm interested in them "that" way. That's another example of the scared little boy inside me that still thinks the other boys are going to call him faggot and turn on him.

In SA we're supposed to reach out to other guys in the group and check in w/ them from time to time. I really try hard to send texts or make calls to random guys in the group throughout the week. Usually I just tell them they were missed last night at group (if they didn't attend) or that I was just thinking about them and hope all's well. Sometimes I get a response, allbeit it's more simple than I desire, and sometimes I never get anything. It's really hard for me to hear when guys in the group have made 10 or more phone calls during the past week, yet not one call was made to me. Sure there are a couple of guys in the group that I can count on to check up on me every so often, which totally makes my day, but for the several others in the group I never receive anything and it makes me think what's their problem? Is it me?

I know it's totally immature and Jr. High-ish but sometimes I think, "ok, I've called him twice, now it's his turn to call me." So I wait, and wait, and wait. But nada. Of course I get more hurt, more bitter, more angry. Yet on their end it's not even a thought in their mind. ARG! I hate dealing w/ SSA. It fucks w/ me in so many ways. :P

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Today, Victory Was Mine

I just had a tremendous moment of self victory today and I hope I never forget how good I feel. I know that God and the angels in heaven are smiling down on me right now. I feel so alive...so happy...so strong...so at peace. :) I have to write about it to help me always remember I can conquer my dark passenger.

I was weak this afternoon and responded to a Craigslist ad for a guy looking for a j/o buddy. He wasn't interested in doing anything oral or anal, just a mutual j/o session. I fought the temptation to anonymously respond all afternoon but in the end my lust pushed me over the edge and I responded to his ad. You should have seen me after I hit "send." I was a wreck, but I used my lust and curiosity to numb the guilty feelings.

Then I got a response from him asking for my stats and a neck down pic (or course). God knows I was going to do it, but thankfully at the last minute I starting thinking about my beautiful wife and babies. I thought about how many times I've fucked around behind her back and completely devastated her, time and time again. I thought about our life and our marriage and our eternal covenants. I love her w/ all my heart and I'll be damned if I was once again going to let my fucking cock rule me and drive me away from her and make me potentially lose her, our kids, and our life together.

W/ no hesitation, I sat down at my computer and sent the following message back to the guy:

"Hey man,
I have to apologize. I sent my email in a moment of weakness. As much as I'd love to get together w/ you, I can't.
I'm married and as curious as I am and as much as I'd love to mutual j/o w/ you, I won't cheat on my wife (again).
You've got a great body, and when you said you didn't want to do anything oral or anal that's what made me interested. But I can't go through w/ it. I'm sorry for jerking you around.
But I'm sure you won't have any trouble finding what you need tonight.
Sorry again and good luck!"

After I sent the email I sent my wife a text and simply told her I love her. Of course she was worried something was up so she called me to find out what was wrong. I told her I had had a moment of weakness and was going down a bad path but that I had stopped myself at the last minute by thinking about her and our family and the love I have for them. I didn't get into all the gory details, but she was thankful I had done what I did and made the right choice.

Aside from how fucked up I still am in so many ways, I'm thankful for the growth I have made. I know I have it deep down within myself to beat this bitch of an addiction and control my dark passenger. Victory was mine this afternoon!


Same Sex Lust

I came across an interesting website the other day that gave me some new insight into my same sex attraction issues: www.samerecovery.com  It talks about something called same sex lust. Ding! The light bulb completely went on in head as I browsed through the website and learned more about same sex lust.

Here is some info taken out of the SA white book about lust in general:

"When we try to use food or sex to reduce isolation, loneliness, insecurity, fear, tension, or to cover our emotions, make us feel alive, help us escape, or satisfy our God hunger, we create an unnatural appetite that misuses and abuses the natural instinct. It is not only more intense than the natural but becomes something totally different. Eating and sex enter a different dimension; they possess an unnatural spiritual component.

The addiction is thus to lust and not merely to the substance or physical act. Lust – the attitude itself – becomes the controlling factor in the addiction."

What a perfect description of lust. Lust definitely knows no bounds! It is so evident in my own life as my auto-erotic behaviors have become more intense, more depraved, and more perverted. Lust has become the #1 most important thing in my life. I obviously put it above my beautiful wife and family, my God, work, friends, everything. It is all-consuming.

When I check-in at my group every week, I always tell the group I deal w/ same-sex attraction. I have never labeled myself gay, or bi or anything like that b/c my SSA is primarily lust-driven. Same-sex lust more accurately defines and describes the nature of those feelings and activities. It's really difficult for me to admit that I deal w/ same-sex attraction to my group b/c it always makes me feel like I'm still that little 'cock-sucking faggot queer'.

The same-sex attraction issue in conjunction w/ my sex addiction makes me feel so much more ashamed and worse than other guys in my group. It's strange b/c some of those guys have even admitted to having pedophilia-like tendencies, or have had history w/ beastiality. I don't have those issues, yet my same sex attraction/lust makes me feel 10 x's more ashamed, more lesser-than, more inferior and unworthy. It will forever make me feel like an outsider and segregate me from the rest of the boys or the group. It makes me feel like I don't measure up as a man. Same sex lust, for me, results in the worst kind of toxic shame and self disparagement imaginable. I use 'imaginable' b/c I know those feelings are only w/in my head and are not real.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Eating Dirt

Have you seen those depression medication commercials that show a person walking around w/ a dark cloud handing over their head? No matter the bright sunny day it is outside or the situation they are in or the friends and family that surround them, this dark cloud is perpetually there; hanging over their head and making everything in life feel so fucking shitty. It seems like there are dark clouds of doom everywhere I look.

When I act out and fuel my addiction I'm trying to numb those feelings and escape. Yet giving in to my addiction inevitably leads me to experience even worse feelings of depression, loneliness, isolation, hurt, bitterness, anger, etc. That's where I am today. I recognize it, yet I'm completely powerless to stop it. (*Ta-da! Step #1*).

Yesterday I wrote about how heavy my heart feels and how totally sad I feel. I try and count my blessings and think about all the things I'm thankful for, yet the sadness and darkness and heavy-heartedness continues. What's up w/ that? I feel like I have completely lost my zest for life. Everything seems so bleak and unimportant and uninteresting. I'm even taking anti-depressants for hell sake!

I want to share this amazing post I came across on an addiction website: "Addiction does a great job in filling the emptiness. Yes, it is without substance and does not nurture at any level. Alcohol, pornography and drugs fill you up like eating dirt when you’re starving. The pain DOES go away but you are weaker every day." I thought this was a fantastic metaphor describing addiction. It's just like eating dirt, it "fills me up" yet I get weaker and weaker and it will eventually kill me, whether it's mentally, spiritually, physically, or all 3.

Here's to getting through one more day.

Monday, April 23, 2012

Heavy Hearted

It's interesting how the term 'heavy-hearted' can actually describe a physical feeling. Lately it feels like my heart is in the pit of stomach. It's so terrible it actually aches. I feel so incredibly alone, yet I don't know why I've been feeling this way. It's only during the day at work that I experience these emotions. I don't have much going on lately and therefore I have a lot of time on my hands at work to sit and think and think and sit. I have found myself taking longer lunches and breaks and am constantly lusting day after day after day.

Just like what the SA white book says, 'we cry w/ out-stretched arms to make us whole.' I know I'm doing just that and I recognize that I'm trying to fill that void and those emotions by lusting and feeding the carnal man desire. Yet I know it won't work; it will never work. Sure, I'll feel better temporarily but I'll inevitably feel worse than I did before.

What really bites is I'll feel so much better as soon as work is over and I can go home, where I feel safe and genuinely happy. But tomorrow it starts all over again. Blah Blah Blah. :P

Friday, April 20, 2012

God's Speed Limit

Last night I was joking w/ my wife about all the things I was going to say and ask God when I finally meet him. Above all, I would love to know what's up w/ sex, how we have it, why it is the way it is, and the enigma and mystery behind it all? Men are created w/ intense, natural instincts to have sex and reproduce; women help balance it out b/c their "need" for sex isn't quite as intense. How come God couldn't have thought of another way for us to create life? He gave us guys these toys that we all learn to play w/ at such a young age and that awaken strange and pleasurable feelings. But then he tells us to not touch them, it's naughty and to only use them when we are intimate and forming a union w/ our spouses. What's up w/ that? Why make our dicks so sensitive and so immensely enjoyable to play with? Why couldn't he have made it to be more of a mundane-like task to reproduce?

My wife brought up an interesting point. She said to think about sex like driving a fast car. We can all jump in the car and go as fast as we want and put ourselves and others in danger, or we can learn to safely drive by observing the speed limit and using the brake properly. The speed limit is there for our protection. So it is w/ sex. We can masturbate and screw around and use our bodies for whatever guilty pleasure we want as much as we want whenever we want, or we can follow God's speed limit and learn self-control. We are the drivers of our own car. We are the ones that push on the gas and/or the brake. Kind of an interesting point of view.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Male Affection

What's going on in my life that is making me crave male touch and affection? I have been having intense desires for it lately. Nothing sexual, meaning I'm not looking for a j/o buddy or oral sex or any of that, but I've been craving to just be hugged and to hug back or to be held by a guy. This is not normal! Sure, everyone needs physical touch and stimulation, but not like this. Healthy straight men do not do this or want to do this w/ other men!

I have not had any actual male sexual contact or sexual touch for over 8 years. I have been in several sexual situations w/ other men and watched sexual things occurring, but no sexual touching or petting has occurred between me and another guy for 8 years. So what gives w/ the recent intense cravings for male affection and touch? Why am I feeling this way? It makes me feel really GAY! I'll admit that for most of my life I crossed the wires in my brain by thinking I needed to have full on sex w/ a guy in order to feel accepted and create a bond between he and I. It's fucked up, I know, but I realize now that's what I was doing. Therefore, those needs for physical affection and attention, though temporary, were getting satiated through having physical sex w/ guys. Since I'm not having sex w/ men anymore, those "bonds" in my mind are not being created. It makes me feel alone and sad.

I've often wondered how normal straight guys are able to have healthy 'physcial' relationships w/ other men when no physical touch never even has to take place? How are they filling those needs? Straight guys don't need to touch each other or hug one another in order to show love or friendship. Why can't I know that in my head and feel that in my heart? Why do I feel like I need to be hugged or physically touched by a guy in order to feel a bond or make a solid connection w/ him? Why do I think my recent feelings of loneliness and sadness and isolation will be cured by engaging in that sort of action w/ another guy? How can I resolve these feelings in a better, healthier manner? If I were to find a friend that I could hug and hold would it eventually turn sexual? Would I eventually want more touch and more intimacy or intensity?

I find it strange that when I'm home and w/ my wife and kids I never have these thoughts and feelings. I have a great physical relationship w/ my wife. Yet all day while I'm away from her, I crave a male friend that I can touch, hold, and hug but that wouldn't take it into the sexual arena. But it's futile. What in the world happened in my life or what am I currently lacking that is making me have these cravings and desires?

Loneliness & Isolation

All my life I have struggled w/ intense feelings of loneliness, unacceptance, and isolation, which has usually resulted in me ultimately acting out and feeding my sex addiction to temporarily fill that terrible void. Despite the fact I have a great network of guys from my SA group that occasionally call me and I call them, weekly lunch meetings, a fantastic relationship w/ my wife and kids, and good, healthy relationships w/ guys at work and at church...I'm still feeling incredibly alone lately. What gives? What's lacking? Why am I feeling this way?

Please don't think that you, reader, can change it. You can't! For I know that these feelings of loneliness, isolation, etc. are only created and imagined w/in my own head. Anyone else in my position would feel completely satisfied w/ their situation and the interpersonal relationships I have. Yet for me I feel like something is lacking but I don't know what it is and I don't know if there's to be any resolution. What expectations am I creating in my mind that people aren't living up to? Why do I feel I am not adequately loved or cared about? What the hell is going on?

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Divine Purpose

I’ve been reading a series of books entitled “The Great & Terrible” by Chris Williams. They’ve really made me think more deeply about our divine purpose and where we came from, why we’re here and where we’re going. It has also given me a new perspective about who we are as Sons and Daughters of God and the influence that the Holy Ghost and Satan and his many followers have in our lives. I know I’m here for a purpose and that God loves me and is mindful of who I am as well as my trials, hardships, and addictions. But I also know that Satan is mindful of who I am and who I can be as well. It would be great if I could stand as stalwart and brave in the face of temptation as the guy does in this section of the book.

This short section is taken out of the first book, The Brothers. It is set in the pre-existence and involves a conversation between Lucifer and a man named Ammon. Lucifer is upset b/c Ammon has told him that he is choosing to follow Christ’s plan rather than his (Satan’s)...

Another vision opened, and Ammon gasped in heartwrenching fear. In an instant he saw all the horrors of the world, all the pain and ambition, all the murders and fraud, the torture, the abuse, the manipulation and lies, the broken families and disappointments, the fatherless children and mothers with empty arms. He saw the blood, death and horror Lucifer would rain on the earth. He gasped and stepped back, a look of shock and fear in his eyes.

Thrusting a finger, Lucifer peered in Ammon’s face. “I will find you,” he promised. “I will remember this day. I will find you and curse you when you go down to earth. I will turn every rock and obstacle in your way. If you won’t join me in hell, I will bring hell to you. I may not win, but I promise I will make you infinitely miserable. Who knows what I plan? I may curse you w/ disease, take the lives of your children, or kill others you love. I may arrange a crippling accident to break your precious body in two, make you poor, make you fail, make you depressed and alone, cause you heartbreak and misery. So many things I can do! So remember this day, and even if you can't, I will remember you. I will create a special hell and bring it to you."

Ammon started at him, unflinching. “Perhaps you will do those things. Do what you will. I don’t fear you now. I understand, can’t you see that? I know what you can and can’t do to me. You can tempt me, desert me, or cause me great pain; you can create a dark world that may cause me to fear; you can rule your world w/ blood and terror, that’s true. But you can’t win. And I know that. Weak as I am, with my imperfections and sins, even w/ all of my failings, I am stronger than you. I will soon have a body. And I have my agency now. I will increase in my faith and knowledge and power. I am not perfect, but I will be, and there’s not a thing you can do! I will become like the Father if I follow the Son. You are powerless to stop me. You can threaten and tempt and whisper lies in my ear, but you can’t stop me Satan; I see that so clearly now! I can stop myself, yes, but only if I follow you.
And I reject your temptations. I reject your whispered lies. I reject you, Lucifer, and your entire plan. You have no power to control me. I am in control of myself. And try as you might, you won’t control me on earth. We will defeat you in heaven, and we will defeat you on earth. Here, or the earth, it doesn’t matter; I am always stronger than you.”

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Re-Engaged

I've been able to keep my dark passenger on the down low and have had a pretty good past couple of days. No mega huge firey darts. No cave ins. No real slips. No waverings. All in all, a good weekend.

Last Friday afternoon resulted in an interesting turn of events. It started when I received a text from a guy from my SA group. The conversation started out light and fairly typical, yet turned sexual and erotic quickly. This guy was supposedly 'straight' but has been getting into guys as of late. We eventually engaged in phone/sexting together. I'm surprised I did what I did b/c sexting really isn't my "thing". But the conversation was so dirty and hot and carnal and I threw in the towel quickly. It was terrible. Thankfully, he doesn't live in town, otherwise things could have been much worse. There's no doubt in my mind I would have met up w/ him.

I should have been stronger and stopped the conversation dead in tracks, yet my curiosity (and horniness) was piqued and I jumped in head long. Afterwards, I was naturally devastated; devastated that I fed this guy's (and my own) sexual addiction; devastated in that fact that this poor guy's addiction has obviously escalated b/c now he is getting into men; devastated that I had again cheated on my wife and put my own carnal desires over her and our family; devasted that I had so quickly thrown in the towel and fucked up so badly.

Later that afternoon I went home to an empty house and decided to fill the emptiness I was feeling inside w/ some hard core porn and masturbation. 4 more times, to be exact. It was vile, it was evil, and it was raunchy.

My dark passenger had once again succeeded in taking me along new, uncharted avenues.

That night I told my wife what I had done and let her read my sext/chat log. You can imagine how she felt. She doesn't understand how I can be so flippant w/ our eternal marriage, our family, our life, my church membership, etc. Frankly, I don't know either. When my dark passenger takes over, I enter a gray zone and all the things that are the most important in life fade away. It's fucked up. She asked me how many more times I was going to make her look like a fool? How many more times am I going to knock her down? She asked me again and again, "Is this really the life that you want?" My answer is of course it is! I do love her and our kids and the life we've built together, but this addiction fucking sucks!

I'm really going to work hard at re-engage myself in this fight to control and overcome my addiction (my DP). I'm pluggin myself back in.



Friday, April 13, 2012

The Emptiness Inside

I'm going to try and start fresh again tomorrow.

That's how I've been justifying my raunchy sexual behaviors lately. Since falling off the wagon this past Monday, I've been on a pretty big bender. I have to get all the mischief out of my system today, right? My thought patterns are so pathetically typical. "I'll do better." "Just one more time." "I'll just jack off so much today I won't want to do it again for a long, long time." Blah Blah Blah.

Yesterday I was home alone and decided that since I would start doing better tomorrow I was going to allow myself to surf some porn. For an hour I watched the dirtiest, raunchiest, sleaziest, vile porn I could find and masturbated 3 times right in a row to it. I wiped the history clean one the computer and went to do some other project. After 30 minutes or so, I started going back over all that raunchy shit again in my mind and got myself triggered all over again. So I jumped back on the porn sites for another 20 minutes and masturbated again.

How supremely empty I felt inside after viewing all that porn and masturbating yesterday! I felt so past feeling and numb. It made me feel worse than if I had been cruising in the park or jacking off w/ a guy in the bathroom. I don't know if it's b/c of the intensity and filthiness of the things I was watching, or the sensory overload or what; but I felt like complete and total shit.

Today has been a bit better of a day. I haven't masturbated yet nor have I been tempted to or even thought about it. I'm trying to put yesterday behind me and get back on the wagon and make better choices from here on out. How simple that sounds! What sucks is I'm now carrying around all that evil wonderfulness in my fucking head from yesterday. It's going to be really tough to not start thinking and fantasizing about those things when I'm feeling weak or triggered in the days and weeks ahead.

But for now, I'm ok. Today's a new, fresh day and I'm moving on. Wish me luck.



Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Starting Over

Well, I'm back to square one. Back to masturbating 2 or more times a day. I have to make up for lost time, right? Just kidding. Usually once I fall it just takes me a bit to build up some willpower and remind myself of my objective.

Things that need to happen:

A) I need a sponsor. Someone I can confide in and occasionally meet face-to-face with. Someone who is preferably straight and doesn't deal w/ same sex attraction. Someone who truly and genuinely loves and cares for me and won't get freaked out no matter what; especially when I tell them I like to stick stuff in my dick, jizz on my own face, or stick objects up my ass. That takes a pretty special, open-minded person.

B) Recovery work. I need to start setting time aside every day to read my sex addiction books and literature and do the work! I'm lazy and I hate to have to make a sacrifice to do it. It means time away from my wife and kids, time away from doing house and yard projects I enjoy, time, time, time! Plus I hate that most recovery work is deep, critical thinking and writing. I do need to do it, however. I know that it will really help shed some light on all this shit.

C) Get closer to the Savior. This is a biggy! I know he is there waiting for me w/ open arms but I am resolutely standing here w/ my arms crossed not wanting to go to him and tell him I need him. What's my problem? Pride? Procrastination? Guilt? Shame? Laziness? WTF?

D) Get off my fucking ass and DO something. Life is passing me by and I am watching day after day quickly slip away. So many regrets; so much disappointment and hopelessness; so many missed opportunities for growth and change. DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

E) Set and achieve a celibacy period (no sex w/ self or my wife). It needs to happen. The big question is whether or not I can do it and when do I begin? Gulp.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Cave In

An interesting turn of events led to my demise yesterday. Yep, you guessed it. I am no longer 25 days sober. And I was only 5 days shy of achieving my month long masturbation sobriety goal. Can you fucking believe it?

Anyhow, I washed my car yesterday and while I was vacuuming it I noticed a guy across the way vacuuming his car. Tight jeans, nice ass, the whole ball of wax. So, rather than making a conscious, concerted effort to look away and ignore the eye candy, I continued to look....and lust. It was kind of hard not to let my fantasies take the wheel as I watched him down on all fucking fours vacuuming out his car. The bastard.

When I got back to work the image stuck w/ me. I wrote in my blog and tried to shake the disease. I took a ride w/ a friend which helped ease the tension. But I was not in a good state at all. And when I got back to work temptation started working overtime on me. I perused Craigslist ads. My heart beat more, my stomach got more flip-floppy, I got more shaky. I was completely 'rushing.' Then I happened upon a blog about sounding. I had completely entered the gray zone. In the midst of all this my wife called me. I can't even remember our conversation, I was so completely zoned out.

I left work early and drove to Wal-mart. My dark passenger had completely taken control of me. All thoughts of control, sobriety, etc. went out the window. I couldn't even think straight. I was focused on one thing! I was on a quest to find a tool to sound w/. I went to the automotive section, the gardening section, the utilities. I ended up in the toys and came across some glow sticks. Perfect! I slyly ripped a package open, took out one of the glow sticks and snuck into the bathroom. So I sounded myself w/ the glow stick I had stolen and then masturbated and finished the deed. Of course I was filled w/ immense feelings of self-disgust and loathing afterwards when my senses came back to me and my dark passenger went back to sleep (for a while, anyway).

So that's what happened.
25 days into sobriety w/ only 5 more to go until I achieved my goal.
What a fucking loser.

Monday, April 9, 2012

Floundering

Somebody throw me a life preserver!

I am 6 days shy of reaching my 1 month w/o masturbating goal and today I am in such a frenzied state of raunchy desire it's all I can do to keep from giving in. Everywhere I look today I have had a new sex/fuck object thrown in my face.

Is this to be my life? Will it ever get easier? Will I ever overcome? If so, how and when? Can I learn to control these desires and my dark passenger every fucking minute of every fucking day for the rest of my fucking life?

Today I am so over the top horny and triggered that I literally feel physically sick. I want to go home so badly where I can feel safety and security but I can't, unfortunately. My stomach has a ball of butterflies fluttering around in it, I feel cold and shaky, it's difficult for me to focus and think straight, I feel weak and lethargic, and my loins are sensitive and screaming for attention. Tempation is calling me so loud it's all I can do to shut it out. He wants me to nonchalantly surf Craigslist personal ads. He wants me to leave work and go cruise the parks and bathrooms. He wants me to sound myself and masturbate. He wants me to find a hook up and give in to my carnal desires.

Why oh why is it so fucking intense today?

Please, God, give me strength to get me through this day.
Please send help.

Friday, April 6, 2012

Further Descent

This morning I wrote about if and when I decide to do a celibacy stint would I be able to handle it or would I inevitably suffer a horrible relapse and go on a sexual frenzied rampage and sink to a whole new low? It seems that since getting into recovery and becoming more aware of my addiction, when I do give in and act out I usually end up going to these new, more depraved and carnal levels. Why is that? The porn I look at gets more hard core and intense, my autoeroticism behaviors become more raunchy and despicable, and my fantasies completely spin out of control and consume me.

I don't know what's wrong w/ my fucking head lately but I've recently found myself getting gratification through pain when I'm acting out on myself. Like I've mentioned before I've developed a strange curiosity w/ sounding (insertion of items into the urethra). Last night I used my wife's eye liner pencil to sound w/. I didn't masturbate as I was doing it, I was more intensely focused on how far down I could sound the pencil. It stung, but it was also strangely gratifying to me as well. As I continued to sound, the deeper I got and the more it stung, yet I got more and more aroused. That scares me. It was psychologically and sexually satisfying to feel that pain and pleasure at the same time. And afterwards, it hurt like hell when I took a piss. Yet to continue to feel the pain afterwards b/c of my deviant, sexual behavior was also strangely provocative as well.  It's like I want to make myself suffer or feel the pain, as fucked up as that sounds. The pain was giving me satisfaction; sort of like "you deserve to hurt and feel this, you fucking freak!"

Wow. Wow. Wow. Anyone who has a degree in Psychology or something, please tell me what the fuck is wrong w/ me?

Drying Out

Next Saturday will mark 1 month w/o me masturbating myself. But it won't be a victory for me in the slightest. Rather than using the past 30 days to sober up and only have sex w/ my wife to create a bond or union or express our love at appropriate times, I've been using my wife as a sex object to release my fantasies and carnal desires and basically, my semen almost every night. She's been my substitute, since I can't do it myself.

I know this isn't right, for BOTH of us. She is enabling my addiction and I continue to feed it. For example, she's been really tired lately and has no desire in the least to have sex. Yet, she wants to keep me "happy" so I don't start looking for my fix elsewhere so she tells me to just do my thing w/ her, even though she's not engaged in it at all. So I do, but I'm everywhere but there in the bed w/ her, as terrible as that sounds. She recently started her period and I really don't feel like getting ketchup all over the dog, so I blatantly asked her last night, "are you going to jack me off tonight or what since you're on your period?" So she did, to keep me "happy." That's so not fucking right.

In my SA group this past Wednesday night, a guy mentioned that he and his wife agreed to start a 16 week celibacy period. Another guy mentioned he's done a celibacy period for 100 days (no sex w/ self nor his wife). The SA white book counsels that perhaps one should have a period of drying out: no sex w/ self or the spouse. This abstinence helps the brain to begin to repair some of the major damage that has been done b/c of the addiction cycle and to retrain it to use or think about sex in healthy ways. Holy shit! 100 days w/o masturbating or having sex or anything? I can't even begin to imagine what that would be like. These past 3 weeks w/o masturbating have been torture for me even though I've still been actively having sex almost every night.

I'm not stupid - I know not having a sexual release isn't going to kill me. It's not necessary to live for hell's sake. The build up of semen in my blue balls isn't one day going to form a clot and rush to my brain. But to be honest I don't know if I can do it. That's how I know I am a true addict. Just like a pill popper or alcoholic or fucking heroin user. I can't even imagine what life would be like w/o having regular sex or masturbating whenever I "need" to. I fear how intense the withdrawal would be for me. And if I couldn't take it anymore would it drive me past some point of no return? Would I go absolutely fucking loco in the head and go out on a bender? Gulp.

Come hell or high water I will at least achieve my 1 month mark w/o masturbating. But after that, I need to re-evaluate things and really think about doing a period of celibacy myself. Whether it's 1 month, 16 weeks, or 6 months, I know it needs to happen. The question is, could I do it?

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Magenta

I'm feeling all sorts of magenta today.

Feeling "magenta" is a term I stole from a TV show. It's a way to describe how one is feeling when they're experiencing jumbled up emotions or having a hard time deciphering a particular emotion.
A few months ago a guy showed up out of the blue at my SA group. He was 19, going to college, and fairly good looking. From the first minute I laid eyes on him he was triggering for me. I always hated that, yet deep down inside I was bummed when a week or two passed and he didn't show up for group so I couldn't associate w/ him. There was something different about him from the rest of the guys in my group. All the guys in my SA group are straight which I absolutely love. I do get triggered by a few good-looking guys in my group and sometimes catch myself checking them out from time to time, but since I know they're straight it's a mental relief b/c I know nothing would or could ever happen w/ any of them and it helps kill that 'lust hit' for me. It's source of strength for me and makes my group a safe zone where I can feel peace.

This kid was also 'straight' (or at least I think he was, or he says he was) so my thoughts and fantasies about what could potentially happen w/ him were thankfully curbed as well. I tried not to let myself lust or fantasize about him or check him out at group and nothing major ever did really develop or happen (thankfully).

Over the following weeks we bonded a bit more through texting and having lunch. Perhaps it's just my imagination but I always felt like he was drawn to me more than the other guys in group. He always seemed interested in things I said or thoughts I had. Yet, I'm really nothing much to be admired. It's not as if I had any particular words of wisdom or advice to share that were better than anyone else's. Maybe it's b/c I made him feel comfortable or more included. I always tried to make sure he felt cared about and thought about (I try to do that w/ lots of people), but I made sure that I never did focus too much attention on him so as to not give him the impression I was interested in him.

The really weird thing is he made me feel something. Like when we would hug after group it was different than it was w/ the other guys. It was more soft, if that makes any sense whatsoever, and it was as if there was an unspoken connection between the two of us. Totally bizarre, I know. Sometimes when I saw he was looking at me it was different than it was w/ the other guys. It's like he was looking at me. And I always got the impression that he wanted to talk to me. I've wondered to myself maybe he's dealing w/ some SSA feelings or issues and wants to talk to somebody about them but is too scared or embarrassed to. I'm really not sure what IT was, but it was definitely something, or, at least I thought it was something.

Maybe all of this was just imagined in my fucking head and I'm a total deludinoid. Who knows.

Whatever.

Anyhow, he recently finished up the semester and is moving away. As a group, we had lunch together today and he came. I could sense he was hanging around and that he wanted to talk to me. Sure enough, after all the other guys left it was just him and me. I kept wondering if he was finally going to come out w/ "it" or if he was going to say something or do something. I kept feeling like something was on the tip of his tongue or like he wanted ME to maybe do or say something. It's like he didn't want to say goodbye and leave. There were a few moments that we just stood there and looked at each other and said nothing. Yet there was no awkwardness, or discomfort. What made me feel really weird was b/c it reminded me of that all-too-familiar connection I used to make w/ my cruising hook ups. That unspoken gaydar or spiritual connection (see my post about gaydar).

I felt good that he wanted to be w/ me and hang on to the moment. It made me feel angry that nothing did happen and that nothing in particular was ever said. It made me feel triggered b/c it felt like he wanted me to make some sort of a move, like a hug or a look or something else. Perhaps he was thinking about doing that to me but just never got up the nerve. Something interesting to note is when we did finally hug goodbye for the last time I was the one to let go first. Hmmmmm. Anyway, I also felt sad to think I'll probably never see him again and that nothing ever did happen and nothing ever was said. Is that something I'm going to replay in my mind over and over again through the years? That maybe I should have said or done something and acted on those feelings?

But more than anything I'm also so, so happy and grateful he's gone and out of my life. Regardless of whether or not the kid was straight, bi, gay, confused or what, he is one less "temptation" that I have to deal with in my head.

So that's why I feel magenta today. Just a big mish mosh of feeling aroused, sad, angry, happy, hurt, and confused and relief. Feeling magenta blows.

Affirmations

A while back my therapist asked me to gather 5 qualities of myself from people I love and trust w/ a brief description of why they admire those qualities in me. I couldn't believe the beautiful things that were said and how deeply it touched me. Especially since my self esteem is pretty non-existent. My sex addiction and same-sex attraction has convinced me I'm nothing but a bottom-of-the-barrel, scum loving, rotten, depraved faggot. So to read the qualities that others see in me, just as the Lord does, is like a ray of sunshine in my soul. ♥ Thank you, to everyone, for continuing to love me despite my weaknesses.

Wife:
1) He is Motivated. When he knows what he wants, he just jumps right in and does it! No procrastinating, no feet dragging, he just goes for it! He has helped me go from being a procrastinator, to being motivated too, and I am grateful!
2) A Devoted Father. His kids are his everything, and he is always so happy to see them and play with them! He tries to find new ways to make special memories with and for them, and he is always, always willing to help me out with them! I don't know what I or they would do with out him.
3) Compassionate. "_____" has been through a lot in his life, and hasn't always been treated kindly, so he goes out of his way to treat others, especially the "underdog" with kindness, and compassion. He feels very deeply for people and their troubles. He has a heart of gold!
4) Thoughtful. "_____" is always thinking of ways he can brighten someone's day. On birthdays, he goes out of his way to do special things, and always makes a mental note of things people say they want, and then suprises them with that gift. He is so sentimental and tries to do things for others they will deeply love and appreciate. He always spoiles me rotten.
5) Hard Worker. To go with the motivated comment, "_____"is such a hard worker. He is so particular about what he does and will only do things to the best of his ability. Everything he does is done with everything in him. He takes pride in his work and is willing to do anything that is asked of him....even give up a whole saturday to help my mom and step-dad chop down trees :)

I could go on forever, but what it ultimately comes down to is that "_____" is an amazing, extraordinary person, and I love him with all my heart and appreciate the wonderful person that he is!

Mother-in-Law:
1) "____" is such a Thoughtful Person! Always thinking of others and what he can do for them. He is always doing special things for me, that no one else would think of. He shares my love of vintage, old things, and is always trying to find nostalgic things for me. He always makes me feel special and loved, even though I'm just the Mother-in-Law.
2) "_____" is such a Hard Worker. Everything he does, he does so well. He always puts his all into his work and anything else he does. He is always willing to help out, even when it's not fun.
3) He is such a Loving Father to my grandchildren. I know they are his whole world and he would lay down his life for them. They are always first and forefront on his mind and he is always trying to do the best things for them. He is also so wonderful to help my daughter out whenver she needs it (which is always). He is a true example of what a devoted father should be.
4) So few people in this world Take Pride in what they do anymore, but "_____" always does. He would never want anyone to catch him doing something poorly. He always tries to do whatever he is doing, to the very best of his ability, and not because he has to, but because he wants to. He wants everyone to know that if something is worth doing, then it is worth doing well. It's definitely an admirable quality in this day and age.
5) "_____" has the most amazing Musical Talents and I am always in awe of them! He is so quick to dismiss these talents, saying that he is "ok" or "mediocre," but what we all see is someone of amazing talent that we all envy and admire. He is so talented, yet so humble about it, and always willing to share his talents at the drop of a hat. Personally, I could listen to him play the piano all day long. I am so grateful to have a son-in-law with an amazing musical talent like this one!

I love you "_____"! You're an amazing person! I know if anyone can overcome their challenges, it will be you!

Best Friend #1
1) Talented. You are very talented in many ways. You can speak two languages, play the piano, the violin, you can ski and ride snow machines and can garden and keep a lawn like you mean it! You are talented!
2) Capable. You have always been a go-to-guy when it comes to completing tasks that are given to you. No matter if it is tackling a tough spreadsheet or managing the store inventory. Based on what I have seen you do, you can handle any task that is given you and accomplish it within the parameters that are given you.
3) Hard Working. You are always on time to work and you know how to work hard. Especially when it comes to what matters most. Convention, store inventory, recognition, farming, yard work, symphony, it does not matter. You work hard and always do what it takes to get the job done, RIGHT!
4) Loyal. To those you love and who care for you, you are a very loyal friend. You have always been willing to help me whenever I have needed it and have always sent me a 3pm text to make sure I am on track and having a good day. That is invaluable to me and the others who are on the receiving end of your loyalty.
5) Dependable. can always depend on you to be my friend and be there for me no matter what. I can depend on you to see me for who I am and never leave me for dead. There is nothing like a friend who is dependable and whom I can always trust.

Best Friend #2
1) You have a great desire to be a Good Husband and Father. It shows in your commitment to your wife and kids. It shows in the time you spend w/ them. You stive to be transparent with your wife which helps create a strong bond between you and her.
2) In spite of the difficult challenge of SSA and its effects in your life, you work hard to keep your more carnal Desires in Control. It is manifest in your commitment to attend SA and your work with your therapist. It shows in your taking control of your life, removing friends and other negative influences from your life. It shows in your honesty with your bishop.
3) You are a Hard Worker. The work you do for your company is top notch. You have untapped potential to do even more, and I'm confident you will as circumstances improve either there or somewhere else. You are intelligent. The combination of hard work, intelligence, and creativity will allow you to always provide well for your family.
4) You Take Pride in your home and yard. Your home is beautiful and so is your yard. The comfortable, safe home you provide for your family is a huge blessing to your family. They will respect and love you for it.
5) You are a Great Friend. You show it by caring for others, empathizing with others, and listening. Your personality is engaging and attractive. I see in you a man of strength and character who will absolutely prevail in the battle of self.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Bullying

I was severely, cruelly, and mercilessly bullied all through Jr. High and High School. I did not have an older brother, a group of friends (or any friend at that) to stick up for me or comfort me or be there for me to lean on. My parents had no idea what was going on. I swallowed all the hurt and the pain and the loneliness and the sadness and the anger and tried hard to be tough and put on a straight face. Did I ever stand up for myself or fight back? Nope. I just internalized it all. All the constant, relentless insults like faggot, cocksucker, queer, fem, homo, queer-bait, etc. were regularly stuffed way deep down inside. This is when my 'sex addiction' really started to take shape and was solidified w/in a few short years.

My elementary days were wonderful. I have nothing but good, happy, precious memories of them. I had friends and was well-liked. I did well in school and always played games and had friends and people to associate w/ in the classroom and on the playground. I never felt isolated or alone or excluded. I don't have any abusive or horrifying memory of anything negative or bad occurring in those early school years. I had some early sexual experimentation w/ my cousins and friends around this time as well as I had discovered masturbation at the ripe old age of 7. But I wouldn't say I was doing those things as a coping mechanism. It was purely experimental at that point.

Things started to go quickly south in 7th grade. I was 13 and hadn't yet developed hair on my legs. One day while I was sitting in my pre-algebra class some bitch *ahem* school mate came up to me and asked me if I shaved my legs. I guess she and the others that were sitting around me must have thought that was so funny b/c that's when all the taunting and teasing and rumors and all that shit really started, and w/ a vengeance! So many lunch hours I volunteered to work in the cafeteria so as to avoid the dreaded lunch hour of wandering aimlessly around by myself and being teased! So many bus rides home I sat alone while the older guys in the back of the bus would call me faggot and cocksucker and threaten me over and over and over again (why didn't the fucking bus driver ever do a damn thing?). So many days I would avoid walking down certain hallways so as to escape more mental and emotional damage from the assholes I went to school w/. So many class hours I sat alone w/ no one to talk to or share my life w/.

While all this was going on every day, month after month, year after year, my sex addiction was slowly and quietly growing and becoming stronger and stronger. I was masturbating every day, sometimes 3 or 4 times a day, whenever and however I could. I was having frequent on-the-fly sexual experiences w/ my cousins and neighbors that was helping to strengthen those tight sexual addictive bonds. And of course it was typically male on male, which helped further cross the wires and fuck up the chemistry in my brain.

Even though it's been 20+ years and many of those wounds have healed, some of them are so deep and the scars are still so prevalent that they may never heal all the way. It's painful for me to even recollect some of those experiences. I have to almost laugh and ask myself  "are you fucking kidding me" when I read about some of the minor bullying that has been occurring in the news lately. Some of it absolutely pales in comparison to the shit I went through. But you're probably thinking boo hoo, right? Get over it. By some grace of God I was able to make it through w/o putting a fucking bullet in my brain. Go figure.

I think since my wife went to school w/ me and can attest to all the shit that happened to me she is much more compassionate and understanding as to why I am the way I am. She knows where this sex addiction came from, why and how it developed, and how and why I think the way I do. I'm so lucky for this. I think there's a lot of guys who struggle w/ these problems whose wives get fed up and bolt b/c they don't understand or lack compassion for their sick husband. This sex addiction most definitely IS a sickness. It's not just a fancy way to excuse or minimize behavior. It's a sickness that manifests itself in so many ways physically, emotionally, physiologically, mentally, and of course sexually.

I pray my kids never have to experience bullying or rejection to the extent I did. I pray they always look out for the underdog and are a friend to all. I'm really trying hard to instill this proper understanding and compassion in them at a young age for other people. Who gives a shit if someone is heavy? Who gives a shit if someone is gay? Who gives a shit if someone has acne, is poor, smells funny, has freckles, drives a beater car, stutters, wears glasses, has divorced parents, lives in a shelter, etc. We all come from different circumstances and upbringings which we sometimes have no control over. We all face individual trials and hardships and temptations. But we are ALL God's children and we are ALL unique. He loves each one of us exactly the same. He looks on our heart, which I wish so badly that more people would do rather than focus so much on physical attributes.

One of the guys that used to horribly tease me recently sent me a FB private message and apologized for all the shit he did to me and asked for my forgiveness. Wow! That really meant a lot to me. Of course I told him it's cool and to forget about it and let's move on. I'm not holding any grudges. I think that shows great growth and maturity and charity on his part and I really wish him all the best. Thank you again for that (you know who you are).

Anyhow, somehow I made it through and I'm really trying hard to move on and forgive all those people. I'm not going to go through life constantly playing the "poor me" card and rekindling the hate and the hurt I felt in my heart. And I'm not "blaming" my addiction on them, or using it as an out or an excuse. I chalk it up to adolescence and kids being stupid kids. Bullying stinks and the damage that is done can affect us all through our lives.

Triggers

As addicts, we all have 'triggers' that propel us to act out. They are typically a. excitement seeking and b. tension reduction. We turn to our addictive behaviors to find solace and comfort and excitement, even though after we indulge we usually feel like even worse shit afterawards (addiction cycle).

Sometimes our triggers can be hard to distinguish or discover but I've been easily able to decipher a few of mine:

1) Unsurety
This is my #1 trigger. Whenever I feel unsure about the future or my current circumstances or start to deep think about where the hell I am going in life or how much I've fucked it up and what a loser I am, it immediately draws up icky hopeless, lost, nervous, anxious, shitty feelings. I always want to drown or numb that unsurety by cruising or masturbating. The easiest way for me to deal w/ real-life crises or problems is to not talk about them, pretend like everything's ok, and then masturbate like hell!

2) Boredom
Another huge trigger for me. I absolutely always have to be anxiously engaged in something worthwhile otherwise I find myself getting that all-too-familiar tickle-y feeling in my gut and think I have to add some spice or excitement to the mundane by acting out or fantasizing about acting out. I am struggling w/ this big-time at work right now b/c I don't have much going on. That's why I decided to start this blog. Rather than leaving to go cruise, or tossing off in the bathroom, or surfing Craigslist ads I will blog instead and get some of these shitty thoughts and feelings out of my head.

3) Depression
Something interesting about this trigger is that acting out on our addictions and feeling like life is spinning out of control makes us feel terribly depressed and hopeless despair. So to numb the pain, we want to act out again and again and again. It's a relentless, never-ending cycle. Yet it's harder than hell to break it.

4) Rejection, Exclusion, Intimidation, Abandonment
This trigger developed from my haunting Jr. High days. Whenever I feel like I'm not fitting in w/ the "boys" or am easily intimidated by someone (usually someone I'm attracted to), I tend to want to isolate myself and crawl into a dark space and lick my self-imagined wounds by masturbating. I feel this a lot, like in my SA group, at work, in my Elders Quorum, etc. I know it's all in my fucking head, but it's still there nonetheless.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

In Mourning

Today has been significantly better than yesterday. I did not give in to any one of the devilish temptations that bastard Satan threw my way. Snaps for me. :) Somehow, I was able to remain strong and keep my thoughts elevated (well, mostly elevated).

I remember something my past therapist said about mourning the loss of your past, the thoughts, the feelings, the experiences, the memories, etc. and then move on. I wish so bad I could be more resolute in my determination to put everything behind me and move forward rather than lust and relive/fantasize about those experiences again. I wish I could get nauseous rather than aroused when I think back on my past. I wish I would remember and focus on how shitty and fucked up I felt all the time rather than the fun and excitement of the sins.

On one hand I feel like looking back at all that sin and wickedness is like looking back at a distant storm on the horizon, yet another part of me yearns for that uninhibited excitement and the darkness that came w/ it. I know how bad that sounds. I know how bad it sounds when I mourn that I will NEVER know the excitement of having anonymous sex or a giving or getting a blow job in a park or bathhouse. I will NEVER feel what it's like to bottom again or tap into those "internal" stimulants (note: anal sex feels great). I will NEVER have an uninhibited romp w/ someone I hunted, cruised, and then conquered nor the exhilaration of the 'game.' I will never be w/ a dude in that way. Don't get me wrong, I love having sex w/ my wife, but it is altogether different than male-male sex. So I mourn the fact that I will never have those experiences again.

Anyway, I just need to mourn the loss of my past and get the fuck over it!
Remember Lot's wife!

Monday, April 2, 2012

Biting the Bullet

I know I just wrote an entry this morning, but today has been particulary hard and I need to vent some of my frustration.

My stomach right now feels like I am going up and down roller coaster hills. My heart if light and fluttering in my chest. I feel angry and hateful and want to tell the whole world to go fuck themselves. Everywhere I look is temptation. Everyone I look at is a fuckable piece of meat. It is all around me. It is almost cosuming me.

A friend of mine told me to just focus on today, the next hour, the next 15 minutes, etc. Great advice, but so very difficult! It's so overwhelming to think that this is forever. Sure, it may get easier but the damage I've done to my brain is going to take 'forever' to mend.

Here's a great poem I found on an addiction recovery website (thank you, Darla)

"There is a monster who lives in my head.
He talks to me softly, he wants me dead.

He tells me this time I'll stay in control.
He tells me not to let anyone know.

He convinces me that no one cares.
He whispers the pain is too much to bear.

He tells me how wonderful I will feel.
He tells me he loves me and it is real.

He tells me not to call anyone.
My heart starts racing, he tells me it will be fun.


Who is this monster who calls me by name?
RELAPSE, and he is waiting to start the game."


Fuck you Satan! Come on! Bring it on! Throw a little more shit at me! I can beat you! I know I can!

Withdrawal

Today is day 19 w/o masturbating and its been a tough go. The first week to 10 days are usually no problem, but then after that I'm completely biting nails. As I've mentioned before in another post I have never gone longer than 3 weeks since I was 7 w/o masturbating except for a 3 month period last winter. That 3 month stretch came after I met w/ my Bishop and completely spilled my guts to him about my cruising, my SSA, my lustful and adulterous heart, etc. I firmly believe that b/c I had finally come to the Bishop (the Lord) w/ a completely broken heart and contrite spirit the Lord blessed me for my efforts and I was thusly able to enjoy a 3 month sobriety from masturbating for the first time in my life. It was me almost losing my daughter to a bad sicknesses that unfortunately turned me back to masturbating to comfort myself. Since then (last February) I've been back to being a regular jacker offer.

Controlling the son of a bitch is always on my mind, however. It's not as if I freely j/o at any whim and don't think about it or never feel the painful after-effects. Last month, I decided to ask my Bishop if I could go 1 month w/o masturbating if he would allow me to go and do a session at the temple w/ my wife. He said that would be a great goal to work toward. I'm really fighting hard to achieve my goal. I'm not thinking after what happens afterwards, though. I'm not going to achieve my 1 month goal, attend the temple, and then go back to jacking it every day. But let tomorrow take care of itself. I'm just focusing on getting through the next 12 days.

I'm amazed at the strong withdrawl symptoms my addict has been experiencing! Some of the more intense withdrawl symptoms I've been experiencing lately are as follows: impatience, preoccupation and/or obsession, rage, hostility, nervousness, rapid heartbeat, and lightheadedness. The other day out of nowhere I wanted so badly to get a big 20oz. coffee and a newspaper and just go and park and drink in my 'badness.' Another day after work I stopped to get a pop and saw a kid flick a half-finished cigarette that I really had to struggle not getting out, picking it up and driving to somewhere to be alone and smoke it and again wallow in my sin. When I even think about sneaking a cigarette, or coffee, or surfing craigslist, or experimenting on myself by sounding or sticking things where they shouldn't go or just plain throwing in the towel and going fucking wild on myself it's an instant rush to the head (both heads, actually). It's like I crave to be bad! My addict searches for any avenue it can to find a release. When I'm trying to control AB and C, then XY or Z flares up w/ a vengeance.

I've likened these flare-ups to Hawaiian fire-stick throwers. It's extremely difficult, if not impossible for me to keep all my fire sticks (addictions, cravings, temptations) going all at once. It always seems like I'm dropping one. And when I do drop one, watch out b/c I don't just slide a titch to either side; I typically slide down to a whole new level of sin and wickedness. And then I roll around in it while I'm there.

However, on a positive note I'm happy to report as of today my sticks are all still up in the air!