How ironic I just wrote about the phenomenal personal victory I had over lust just 2 days ago, yet yesterday I let myself majorly slip down a terrible, slippery slope. I don't know what happened. It was as if I entered a state of auto-pilot (my gray zone). The dark passenger completely took over and I was helpless. Everything else just faded away.
It began by nonchalantly surfing Craigslist ads yesterday afternoon. I was actually really tempted to post one of my own. I was going to post an ad looking for somebody to just meet and hold/hug. Nothing sexual; just a long, tight embrace. It sounds as gay as hell, I know. I don't know what's going on in my fucking head that is making me crave male attention and touch lately.
I didn't create the post, however, nor did I respond to any others. Snaps for me, right? Nope, I don't think so.
Hardly w/o any hesitation I left work early and went to a gay park here in town to cruise. When I pulled in I saw 3 empty cars near the restroom. My insides completely flipped upside down I was so excited. I knew what I was going to find. I have completely mastered my technique.
I got out of my car and tiptoed to the park bathroom so the guys inside wouldn't hear me approaching. I quickly flung open the door and went in. Lo and behold! 3 guys having a 3-way in the bathroom stall. They got nervous and stopped doing their thing b/c they were thought I was a cop or something, but I assured them I just wanted to watch. 1 of the guys was too freaked out to continue doing anything besides stand there. The other 2 guys continued to masturbate. They tried to touch me, but I brushed their hand away and said "no, I just like to watch." That's how I justify in my mind that I'm still being 'faithful' to my wife. What a fucking freak I am! But I never did take my dick out of my pants in front of them.
The 2 guys then engaged in anal sex. I couldn't believe it! With no protection! It was something right out of a porn fantasy. Satan had set everything up just perfectly! Of course at the time and since then I've thought how hot and erotic it all was (having park bathroom bareback sex). But then I've also thought about the guy bottoming and how he was so lost in his lust that he was allowing this other guy, a random hook up, to penetrate him. No thought of STDs or anything!!?? How sad for him. Oh, and did I mention that the guy that was getting screwed was married? Or I think he was b/c he was wearing a wedding ring. What about his wife? Does she know her husband is going out and getting fucked bareback by guys in park bathrooms? So I can see it from both ways as I'm sure you (reader) can too. It's so hot, yet it's so tragic.
Both guys ejaculated and then we all dispersed as quick as can be. I took the experience w/ me to the gas station bathroom where I masturbated while I replayed and relusted the experience. The afterglow was of course overshadowed by the terrible realization of what I had done. But, like always, the guilt and shame left after about an hour or so and turned back into a turn on as I thought and rethought about the experience.
But it doesn't stop there. After I got home my wife left me alone to go run some errands so I decided to really let my hair down. I sounded myself, used a back massager down on myself, and did myself w/ 2 objects at the same time. Can you see now why I feel like I'm so past the point of no return? It's so detestable, disgusting, loathsome, raunchy, horrifying and downright evil. Yet on the outside I'm as cool as a summer morning.
But I guess today's a new day, right? And I'm back here at work staring at a computer screen all day, feeling lonely and isolalted and vulnerable. I know it would help me immensely to just go into the bathroom, kneel down, and offer my whole heart up to God, yet I can't. WHY CAN'T I? I know I need Him and His help yet I just can't let go. Pray for me.