Monday, April 2, 2012

Biting the Bullet

I know I just wrote an entry this morning, but today has been particulary hard and I need to vent some of my frustration.

My stomach right now feels like I am going up and down roller coaster hills. My heart if light and fluttering in my chest. I feel angry and hateful and want to tell the whole world to go fuck themselves. Everywhere I look is temptation. Everyone I look at is a fuckable piece of meat. It is all around me. It is almost cosuming me.

A friend of mine told me to just focus on today, the next hour, the next 15 minutes, etc. Great advice, but so very difficult! It's so overwhelming to think that this is forever. Sure, it may get easier but the damage I've done to my brain is going to take 'forever' to mend.

Here's a great poem I found on an addiction recovery website (thank you, Darla)

"There is a monster who lives in my head.
He talks to me softly, he wants me dead.

He tells me this time I'll stay in control.
He tells me not to let anyone know.

He convinces me that no one cares.
He whispers the pain is too much to bear.

He tells me how wonderful I will feel.
He tells me he loves me and it is real.

He tells me not to call anyone.
My heart starts racing, he tells me it will be fun.

Who is this monster who calls me by name?
RELAPSE, and he is waiting to start the game."

Fuck you Satan! Come on! Bring it on! Throw a little more shit at me! I can beat you! I know I can!


  1. As I read this post and every word jumped out at me, have been there so often. Then to read the poem at the end, that is exactly what Satan wants us to believe - "he whispers the pain is too much to bear...he tell me it will be fun" - what a lie.

    I am so glad I found your blog, thank you for sharing your journey. Take good care and stand firm, resolved to resist.

  2. Stan,

    Thank you for your comments. I'm glad we found each other. I'm sorry for the honesty in my posts, but it's my way of trying to create some order in my head out of the chaos.

    I hope I don't scare you off.

  3. You sure won't scare me off, I find your writing refreshing and honest:)