Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Bullying

I was severely, cruelly, and mercilessly bullied all through Jr. High and High School. I did not have an older brother, a group of friends (or any friend at that) to stick up for me or comfort me or be there for me to lean on. My parents had no idea what was going on. I swallowed all the hurt and the pain and the loneliness and the sadness and the anger and tried hard to be tough and put on a straight face. Did I ever stand up for myself or fight back? Nope. I just internalized it all. All the constant, relentless insults like faggot, cocksucker, queer, fem, homo, queer-bait, etc. were regularly stuffed way deep down inside. This is when my 'sex addiction' really started to take shape and was solidified w/in a few short years.

My elementary days were wonderful. I have nothing but good, happy, precious memories of them. I had friends and was well-liked. I did well in school and always played games and had friends and people to associate w/ in the classroom and on the playground. I never felt isolated or alone or excluded. I don't have any abusive or horrifying memory of anything negative or bad occurring in those early school years. I had some early sexual experimentation w/ my cousins and friends around this time as well as I had discovered masturbation at the ripe old age of 7. But I wouldn't say I was doing those things as a coping mechanism. It was purely experimental at that point.

Things started to go quickly south in 7th grade. I was 13 and hadn't yet developed hair on my legs. One day while I was sitting in my pre-algebra class some bitch *ahem* school mate came up to me and asked me if I shaved my legs. I guess she and the others that were sitting around me must have thought that was so funny b/c that's when all the taunting and teasing and rumors and all that shit really started, and w/ a vengeance! So many lunch hours I volunteered to work in the cafeteria so as to avoid the dreaded lunch hour of wandering aimlessly around by myself and being teased! So many bus rides home I sat alone while the older guys in the back of the bus would call me faggot and cocksucker and threaten me over and over and over again (why didn't the fucking bus driver ever do a damn thing?). So many days I would avoid walking down certain hallways so as to escape more mental and emotional damage from the assholes I went to school w/. So many class hours I sat alone w/ no one to talk to or share my life w/.

While all this was going on every day, month after month, year after year, my sex addiction was slowly and quietly growing and becoming stronger and stronger. I was masturbating every day, sometimes 3 or 4 times a day, whenever and however I could. I was having frequent on-the-fly sexual experiences w/ my cousins and neighbors that was helping to strengthen those tight sexual addictive bonds. And of course it was typically male on male, which helped further cross the wires and fuck up the chemistry in my brain.

Even though it's been 20+ years and many of those wounds have healed, some of them are so deep and the scars are still so prevalent that they may never heal all the way. It's painful for me to even recollect some of those experiences. I have to almost laugh and ask myself  "are you fucking kidding me" when I read about some of the minor bullying that has been occurring in the news lately. Some of it absolutely pales in comparison to the shit I went through. But you're probably thinking boo hoo, right? Get over it. By some grace of God I was able to make it through w/o putting a fucking bullet in my brain. Go figure.

I think since my wife went to school w/ me and can attest to all the shit that happened to me she is much more compassionate and understanding as to why I am the way I am. She knows where this sex addiction came from, why and how it developed, and how and why I think the way I do. I'm so lucky for this. I think there's a lot of guys who struggle w/ these problems whose wives get fed up and bolt b/c they don't understand or lack compassion for their sick husband. This sex addiction most definitely IS a sickness. It's not just a fancy way to excuse or minimize behavior. It's a sickness that manifests itself in so many ways physically, emotionally, physiologically, mentally, and of course sexually.

I pray my kids never have to experience bullying or rejection to the extent I did. I pray they always look out for the underdog and are a friend to all. I'm really trying hard to instill this proper understanding and compassion in them at a young age for other people. Who gives a shit if someone is heavy? Who gives a shit if someone is gay? Who gives a shit if someone has acne, is poor, smells funny, has freckles, drives a beater car, stutters, wears glasses, has divorced parents, lives in a shelter, etc. We all come from different circumstances and upbringings which we sometimes have no control over. We all face individual trials and hardships and temptations. But we are ALL God's children and we are ALL unique. He loves each one of us exactly the same. He looks on our heart, which I wish so badly that more people would do rather than focus so much on physical attributes.

One of the guys that used to horribly tease me recently sent me a FB private message and apologized for all the shit he did to me and asked for my forgiveness. Wow! That really meant a lot to me. Of course I told him it's cool and to forget about it and let's move on. I'm not holding any grudges. I think that shows great growth and maturity and charity on his part and I really wish him all the best. Thank you again for that (you know who you are).

Anyhow, somehow I made it through and I'm really trying hard to move on and forgive all those people. I'm not going to go through life constantly playing the "poor me" card and rekindling the hate and the hurt I felt in my heart. And I'm not "blaming" my addiction on them, or using it as an out or an excuse. I chalk it up to adolescence and kids being stupid kids. Bullying stinks and the damage that is done can affect us all through our lives.

2 comments:

  1. hey man, thanks for the comment you left on my blog

    I have been reading some of your blog posts and though we differ in that I never married, I can relate to a lot of what you write, including this post. I too got bullied and picked on a lot in junior high-high school, and no one ever stood up for me. I had male cousins, and some of them did the bullying. I look back and wonder why I took it, why I didn't fight back, and wonder if I still would have had the struggles I have if I had fought back. But no sense in wondering about what could have been.

    I also had a guy apologize to me a few years after I graduated from high school. I was at a church camp and he came up to me and apologized. I was shocked, but did appreciate it.

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  2. Hi Struggler,

    I'm so sorry it's taken me a while to get back to you. Just wanted to say I appreciated your comment and hope that you've been doing better lately.

    Just remember you are NOT alone :)

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