Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Cave In

An interesting turn of events led to my demise yesterday. Yep, you guessed it. I am no longer 25 days sober. And I was only 5 days shy of achieving my month long masturbation sobriety goal. Can you fucking believe it?

Anyhow, I washed my car yesterday and while I was vacuuming it I noticed a guy across the way vacuuming his car. Tight jeans, nice ass, the whole ball of wax. So, rather than making a conscious, concerted effort to look away and ignore the eye candy, I continued to look....and lust. It was kind of hard not to let my fantasies take the wheel as I watched him down on all fucking fours vacuuming out his car. The bastard.

When I got back to work the image stuck w/ me. I wrote in my blog and tried to shake the disease. I took a ride w/ a friend which helped ease the tension. But I was not in a good state at all. And when I got back to work temptation started working overtime on me. I perused Craigslist ads. My heart beat more, my stomach got more flip-floppy, I got more shaky. I was completely 'rushing.' Then I happened upon a blog about sounding. I had completely entered the gray zone. In the midst of all this my wife called me. I can't even remember our conversation, I was so completely zoned out.

I left work early and drove to Wal-mart. My dark passenger had completely taken control of me. All thoughts of control, sobriety, etc. went out the window. I couldn't even think straight. I was focused on one thing! I was on a quest to find a tool to sound w/. I went to the automotive section, the gardening section, the utilities. I ended up in the toys and came across some glow sticks. Perfect! I slyly ripped a package open, took out one of the glow sticks and snuck into the bathroom. So I sounded myself w/ the glow stick I had stolen and then masturbated and finished the deed. Of course I was filled w/ immense feelings of self-disgust and loathing afterwards when my senses came back to me and my dark passenger went back to sleep (for a while, anyway).

So that's what happened.
25 days into sobriety w/ only 5 more to go until I achieved my goal.
What a fucking loser.

2 comments:

  1. You went 25 days! Celebrate the victory, mourn the loss, MOVE ON!

    ReplyDelete