Friday, April 6, 2012

Drying Out

Next Saturday will mark 1 month w/o me masturbating myself. But it won't be a victory for me in the slightest. Rather than using the past 30 days to sober up and only have sex w/ my wife to create a bond or union or express our love at appropriate times, I've been using my wife as a sex object to release my fantasies and carnal desires and basically, my semen almost every night. She's been my substitute, since I can't do it myself.

I know this isn't right, for BOTH of us. She is enabling my addiction and I continue to feed it. For example, she's been really tired lately and has no desire in the least to have sex. Yet, she wants to keep me "happy" so I don't start looking for my fix elsewhere so she tells me to just do my thing w/ her, even though she's not engaged in it at all. So I do, but I'm everywhere but there in the bed w/ her, as terrible as that sounds. She recently started her period and I really don't feel like getting ketchup all over the dog, so I blatantly asked her last night, "are you going to jack me off tonight or what since you're on your period?" So she did, to keep me "happy." That's so not fucking right.

In my SA group this past Wednesday night, a guy mentioned that he and his wife agreed to start a 16 week celibacy period. Another guy mentioned he's done a celibacy period for 100 days (no sex w/ self nor his wife). The SA white book counsels that perhaps one should have a period of drying out: no sex w/ self or the spouse. This abstinence helps the brain to begin to repair some of the major damage that has been done b/c of the addiction cycle and to retrain it to use or think about sex in healthy ways. Holy shit! 100 days w/o masturbating or having sex or anything? I can't even begin to imagine what that would be like. These past 3 weeks w/o masturbating have been torture for me even though I've still been actively having sex almost every night.

I'm not stupid - I know not having a sexual release isn't going to kill me. It's not necessary to live for hell's sake. The build up of semen in my blue balls isn't one day going to form a clot and rush to my brain. But to be honest I don't know if I can do it. That's how I know I am a true addict. Just like a pill popper or alcoholic or fucking heroin user. I can't even imagine what life would be like w/o having regular sex or masturbating whenever I "need" to. I fear how intense the withdrawal would be for me. And if I couldn't take it anymore would it drive me past some point of no return? Would I go absolutely fucking loco in the head and go out on a bender? Gulp.

Come hell or high water I will at least achieve my 1 month mark w/o masturbating. But after that, I need to re-evaluate things and really think about doing a period of celibacy myself. Whether it's 1 month, 16 weeks, or 6 months, I know it needs to happen. The question is, could I do it?

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