Have you seen those depression medication commercials that show a person walking around w/ a dark cloud handing over their head? No matter the bright sunny day it is outside or the situation they are in or the friends and family that surround them, this dark cloud is perpetually there; hanging over their head and making everything in life feel so fucking shitty. It seems like there are dark clouds of doom everywhere I look.
When I act out and fuel my addiction I'm trying to numb those feelings and escape. Yet giving in to my addiction inevitably leads me to experience even worse feelings of depression, loneliness, isolation, hurt, bitterness, anger, etc. That's where I am today. I recognize it, yet I'm completely powerless to stop it. (*Ta-da! Step #1*).
Yesterday I wrote about how heavy my heart feels and how totally sad I feel. I try and count my blessings and think about all the things I'm thankful for, yet the sadness and darkness and heavy-heartedness continues. What's up w/ that? I feel like I have completely lost my zest for life. Everything seems so bleak and unimportant and uninteresting. I'm even taking anti-depressants for hell sake!
I want to share this amazing post I came across on an addiction website: "Addiction does a great job in filling the emptiness. Yes, it is without substance and does not nurture at any level. Alcohol, pornography and drugs fill you up like eating dirt when you’re starving. The pain DOES go away but you are weaker every day." I thought this was a fantastic metaphor describing addiction. It's just like eating dirt, it "fills me up" yet I get weaker and weaker and it will eventually kill me, whether it's mentally, spiritually, physically, or all 3.
Here's to getting through one more day.