Friday, April 13, 2012

The Emptiness Inside

I'm going to try and start fresh again tomorrow.

That's how I've been justifying my raunchy sexual behaviors lately. Since falling off the wagon this past Monday, I've been on a pretty big bender. I have to get all the mischief out of my system today, right? My thought patterns are so pathetically typical. "I'll do better." "Just one more time." "I'll just jack off so much today I won't want to do it again for a long, long time." Blah Blah Blah.

Yesterday I was home alone and decided that since I would start doing better tomorrow I was going to allow myself to surf some porn. For an hour I watched the dirtiest, raunchiest, sleaziest, vile porn I could find and masturbated 3 times right in a row to it. I wiped the history clean one the computer and went to do some other project. After 30 minutes or so, I started going back over all that raunchy shit again in my mind and got myself triggered all over again. So I jumped back on the porn sites for another 20 minutes and masturbated again.

How supremely empty I felt inside after viewing all that porn and masturbating yesterday! I felt so past feeling and numb. It made me feel worse than if I had been cruising in the park or jacking off w/ a guy in the bathroom. I don't know if it's b/c of the intensity and filthiness of the things I was watching, or the sensory overload or what; but I felt like complete and total shit.

Today has been a bit better of a day. I haven't masturbated yet nor have I been tempted to or even thought about it. I'm trying to put yesterday behind me and get back on the wagon and make better choices from here on out. How simple that sounds! What sucks is I'm now carrying around all that evil wonderfulness in my fucking head from yesterday. It's going to be really tough to not start thinking and fantasizing about those things when I'm feeling weak or triggered in the days and weeks ahead.

But for now, I'm ok. Today's a new, fresh day and I'm moving on. Wish me luck.



2 comments:

  1. I not only wish you luck, but I will also pray for you, and promise my continued friendship and support.

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  2. The only thing that has ever caused me to really actually forget about porn was regular dating and taking a lover (while I was living away from my family). I then always had something to look forward to each week, and my thoughts and phone calls just went there instead of the internet. I totally surprised myself that this happened.

    So (for me) porn and jerking off is like a drink or a drug that makes me momentarilly "feel better" when everything absolutely sucks. Its what gives me the feeling I want while I'm squeezing my life into something that it doesn't naturally fit.

    I've recently complemented porn with serious reading blogs like yours, because they speak more to my heart than my dick, which seems to happen more as you get older, or fall truly in love a few times.

    Mysterious paths we tread.

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