Friday, April 6, 2012

Further Descent

This morning I wrote about if and when I decide to do a celibacy stint would I be able to handle it or would I inevitably suffer a horrible relapse and go on a sexual frenzied rampage and sink to a whole new low? It seems that since getting into recovery and becoming more aware of my addiction, when I do give in and act out I usually end up going to these new, more depraved and carnal levels. Why is that? The porn I look at gets more hard core and intense, my autoeroticism behaviors become more raunchy and despicable, and my fantasies completely spin out of control and consume me.

I don't know what's wrong w/ my fucking head lately but I've recently found myself getting gratification through pain when I'm acting out on myself. Like I've mentioned before I've developed a strange curiosity w/ sounding (insertion of items into the urethra). Last night I used my wife's eye liner pencil to sound w/. I didn't masturbate as I was doing it, I was more intensely focused on how far down I could sound the pencil. It stung, but it was also strangely gratifying to me as well. As I continued to sound, the deeper I got and the more it stung, yet I got more and more aroused. That scares me. It was psychologically and sexually satisfying to feel that pain and pleasure at the same time. And afterwards, it hurt like hell when I took a piss. Yet to continue to feel the pain afterwards b/c of my deviant, sexual behavior was also strangely provocative as well.  It's like I want to make myself suffer or feel the pain, as fucked up as that sounds. The pain was giving me satisfaction; sort of like "you deserve to hurt and feel this, you fucking freak!"

Wow. Wow. Wow. Anyone who has a degree in Psychology or something, please tell me what the fuck is wrong w/ me?

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