Tuesday, April 3, 2012

In Mourning

Today has been significantly better than yesterday. I did not give in to any one of the devilish temptations that bastard Satan threw my way. Snaps for me. :) Somehow, I was able to remain strong and keep my thoughts elevated (well, mostly elevated).

I remember something my past therapist said about mourning the loss of your past, the thoughts, the feelings, the experiences, the memories, etc. and then move on. I wish so bad I could be more resolute in my determination to put everything behind me and move forward rather than lust and relive/fantasize about those experiences again. I wish I could get nauseous rather than aroused when I think back on my past. I wish I would remember and focus on how shitty and fucked up I felt all the time rather than the fun and excitement of the sins.

On one hand I feel like looking back at all that sin and wickedness is like looking back at a distant storm on the horizon, yet another part of me yearns for that uninhibited excitement and the darkness that came w/ it. I know how bad that sounds. I know how bad it sounds when I mourn that I will NEVER know the excitement of having anonymous sex or a giving or getting a blow job in a park or bathhouse. I will NEVER feel what it's like to bottom again or tap into those "internal" stimulants (note: anal sex feels great). I will NEVER have an uninhibited romp w/ someone I hunted, cruised, and then conquered nor the exhilaration of the 'game.' I will never be w/ a dude in that way. Don't get me wrong, I love having sex w/ my wife, but it is altogether different than male-male sex. So I mourn the fact that I will never have those experiences again.

Anyway, I just need to mourn the loss of my past and get the fuck over it!
Remember Lot's wife!

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