Thursday, April 5, 2012

Magenta

I'm feeling all sorts of magenta today.

Feeling "magenta" is a term I stole from a TV show. It's a way to describe how one is feeling when they're experiencing jumbled up emotions or having a hard time deciphering a particular emotion.
A few months ago a guy showed up out of the blue at my SA group. He was 19, going to college, and fairly good looking. From the first minute I laid eyes on him he was triggering for me. I always hated that, yet deep down inside I was bummed when a week or two passed and he didn't show up for group so I couldn't associate w/ him. There was something different about him from the rest of the guys in my group. All the guys in my SA group are straight which I absolutely love. I do get triggered by a few good-looking guys in my group and sometimes catch myself checking them out from time to time, but since I know they're straight it's a mental relief b/c I know nothing would or could ever happen w/ any of them and it helps kill that 'lust hit' for me. It's source of strength for me and makes my group a safe zone where I can feel peace.

This kid was also 'straight' (or at least I think he was, or he says he was) so my thoughts and fantasies about what could potentially happen w/ him were thankfully curbed as well. I tried not to let myself lust or fantasize about him or check him out at group and nothing major ever did really develop or happen (thankfully).

Over the following weeks we bonded a bit more through texting and having lunch. Perhaps it's just my imagination but I always felt like he was drawn to me more than the other guys in group. He always seemed interested in things I said or thoughts I had. Yet, I'm really nothing much to be admired. It's not as if I had any particular words of wisdom or advice to share that were better than anyone else's. Maybe it's b/c I made him feel comfortable or more included. I always tried to make sure he felt cared about and thought about (I try to do that w/ lots of people), but I made sure that I never did focus too much attention on him so as to not give him the impression I was interested in him.

The really weird thing is he made me feel something. Like when we would hug after group it was different than it was w/ the other guys. It was more soft, if that makes any sense whatsoever, and it was as if there was an unspoken connection between the two of us. Totally bizarre, I know. Sometimes when I saw he was looking at me it was different than it was w/ the other guys. It's like he was looking at me. And I always got the impression that he wanted to talk to me. I've wondered to myself maybe he's dealing w/ some SSA feelings or issues and wants to talk to somebody about them but is too scared or embarrassed to. I'm really not sure what IT was, but it was definitely something, or, at least I thought it was something.

Maybe all of this was just imagined in my fucking head and I'm a total deludinoid. Who knows.

Whatever.

Anyhow, he recently finished up the semester and is moving away. As a group, we had lunch together today and he came. I could sense he was hanging around and that he wanted to talk to me. Sure enough, after all the other guys left it was just him and me. I kept wondering if he was finally going to come out w/ "it" or if he was going to say something or do something. I kept feeling like something was on the tip of his tongue or like he wanted ME to maybe do or say something. It's like he didn't want to say goodbye and leave. There were a few moments that we just stood there and looked at each other and said nothing. Yet there was no awkwardness, or discomfort. What made me feel really weird was b/c it reminded me of that all-too-familiar connection I used to make w/ my cruising hook ups. That unspoken gaydar or spiritual connection (see my post about gaydar).

I felt good that he wanted to be w/ me and hang on to the moment. It made me feel angry that nothing did happen and that nothing in particular was ever said. It made me feel triggered b/c it felt like he wanted me to make some sort of a move, like a hug or a look or something else. Perhaps he was thinking about doing that to me but just never got up the nerve. Something interesting to note is when we did finally hug goodbye for the last time I was the one to let go first. Hmmmmm. Anyway, I also felt sad to think I'll probably never see him again and that nothing ever did happen and nothing ever was said. Is that something I'm going to replay in my mind over and over again through the years? That maybe I should have said or done something and acted on those feelings?

But more than anything I'm also so, so happy and grateful he's gone and out of my life. Regardless of whether or not the kid was straight, bi, gay, confused or what, he is one less "temptation" that I have to deal with in my head.

So that's why I feel magenta today. Just a big mish mosh of feeling aroused, sad, angry, happy, hurt, and confused and relief. Feeling magenta blows.

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