Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Re-Engaged

I've been able to keep my dark passenger on the down low and have had a pretty good past couple of days. No mega huge firey darts. No cave ins. No real slips. No waverings. All in all, a good weekend.

Last Friday afternoon resulted in an interesting turn of events. It started when I received a text from a guy from my SA group. The conversation started out light and fairly typical, yet turned sexual and erotic quickly. This guy was supposedly 'straight' but has been getting into guys as of late. We eventually engaged in phone/sexting together. I'm surprised I did what I did b/c sexting really isn't my "thing". But the conversation was so dirty and hot and carnal and I threw in the towel quickly. It was terrible. Thankfully, he doesn't live in town, otherwise things could have been much worse. There's no doubt in my mind I would have met up w/ him.

I should have been stronger and stopped the conversation dead in tracks, yet my curiosity (and horniness) was piqued and I jumped in head long. Afterwards, I was naturally devastated; devastated that I fed this guy's (and my own) sexual addiction; devastated in that fact that this poor guy's addiction has obviously escalated b/c now he is getting into men; devastated that I had again cheated on my wife and put my own carnal desires over her and our family; devasted that I had so quickly thrown in the towel and fucked up so badly.

Later that afternoon I went home to an empty house and decided to fill the emptiness I was feeling inside w/ some hard core porn and masturbation. 4 more times, to be exact. It was vile, it was evil, and it was raunchy.

My dark passenger had once again succeeded in taking me along new, uncharted avenues.

That night I told my wife what I had done and let her read my sext/chat log. You can imagine how she felt. She doesn't understand how I can be so flippant w/ our eternal marriage, our family, our life, my church membership, etc. Frankly, I don't know either. When my dark passenger takes over, I enter a gray zone and all the things that are the most important in life fade away. It's fucked up. She asked me how many more times I was going to make her look like a fool? How many more times am I going to knock her down? She asked me again and again, "Is this really the life that you want?" My answer is of course it is! I do love her and our kids and the life we've built together, but this addiction fucking sucks!

I'm really going to work hard at re-engage myself in this fight to control and overcome my addiction (my DP). I'm pluggin myself back in.



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