Thursday, April 26, 2012

Reaching Out

I have to admit sometimes I grow really weary of always having to be the first person to reach out to another person. Especially w/ guys. It always seems like I'm the one making the phone calls or sending the text messages to reach out to somebody else. Then when I don't get adequate reciprocation my guard immediately goes up to protect my already hurt feelings. It's that lonely little boy inside of me still wanting desperately to fit in and be liked by the other boys.

Maybe it's b/c I have more time on my hands. Maybe it's b/c I'm more lonely and needy of others' (guys) attention and affection. Maybe it's b/c I have a more sensitive, caring side that most regular straight men don't. Whatever the reason, I always try to make other people feel like they're cared about and/or thought about. Sometimes I worry that they'll get the wrong impression and that I'm interested in them "that" way. That's another example of the scared little boy inside me that still thinks the other boys are going to call him faggot and turn on him.

In SA we're supposed to reach out to other guys in the group and check in w/ them from time to time. I really try hard to send texts or make calls to random guys in the group throughout the week. Usually I just tell them they were missed last night at group (if they didn't attend) or that I was just thinking about them and hope all's well. Sometimes I get a response, allbeit it's more simple than I desire, and sometimes I never get anything. It's really hard for me to hear when guys in the group have made 10 or more phone calls during the past week, yet not one call was made to me. Sure there are a couple of guys in the group that I can count on to check up on me every so often, which totally makes my day, but for the several others in the group I never receive anything and it makes me think what's their problem? Is it me?

I know it's totally immature and Jr. High-ish but sometimes I think, "ok, I've called him twice, now it's his turn to call me." So I wait, and wait, and wait. But nada. Of course I get more hurt, more bitter, more angry. Yet on their end it's not even a thought in their mind. ARG! I hate dealing w/ SSA. It fucks w/ me in so many ways. :P

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