Monday, April 30, 2012

Relapse & Reset

Friday was another bottom of the barrel day for me. A complete relapse. I don't feel like writing all the gory details. Let me just say it started off w/ me surfing Craigslist ads at work. Mid afternoon I left work and cruised at the park. Thanks to Satan, I  was able to again meet the same 2 guys I had watched do each other in the bathroom the day before. We all 3 left the park, following each other in our cars, to a house of one of the guys. He put on porn and they let me watch them have sex again. I masturbated in front of them this time and we orgasmed together. Still no physical touch took place on my end, however. I was able to keep my head clear enough to not completely act out sexually or physically w/ these men.

I went back to work and called my wife and told her I had relapased and what had happened. It was devastating but I'm grateful I was able to honestly and openly tell her what had happened immediately. No secrets; no lies; no stuffing it way deep down inside. That night we talked more about life and my recovery. The fact is I don't do anything in regards to my addiction recovery besides faithfully attending my SA group every week. I don't see a therapist, I don't go to any other groups, I don't read the literature, I don't do the workbooks. I know that my addiction has me whipped. I have no control over my dark passenger when he takes over. I am powerless over him. Yet I won't surrender myself to God by turning to him and asking for his help and showing my determination to change by DOING something. Damn me!

This is what my wife and I talked concluded I would do different this time:
  • No more TV at night. I don't watch TV hardly at all, but every night from 9 - 10 I do watch Family Guy. It's an easy way to numb out and unwind, yet Family Guy, as much as I love it, is definitely not condusive to the Spirit of the Lord. I've always known it wasn't uplifting, but my natural man just didn't/doesn't want to give it up. But I know I need to. So, rather than watching TV at night we are instead going to put on some smooth jazz music or something similar and read. I will read and work in my recovery books as well as my wife is going to read the recovery books and other literature to enlighten herself and help better support me. We'll also read General Conference talks and other books that interest us and that aren't questionable.
  • I met w/ my Bishop yesterday and commited to make it through the month of May w/o masturbating. I promised to update him on my progress and status by sending periodic texts. It's going to be so hard (haha-no pun intended) but I've got to do it. And no justifying other self-stimulating behaviors (i.e. pushing myself up against the kitchen counter, tickling myself, grinding into the mattress, having my hands constantly touching my package or admiring it while driving or sitting at work, no checking myself out in the mirrow, no using the shower wand on myself while showering, etc etc etc). Good Lord, I could fill a book of all the no-nos.
  • No more Craigslist or other triggering internet sites at all! Neither going to places I shouldn't such as parks, bathrooms, streets, stores etc. that I know are cruise spots or places to potentially meet or lust after people.
  • Striving to not focus on past experiences or allowing myself to be triggered and have lustful thoughts or a wicked heart.
  • Attending more weekly meetings if I feel the need to. I hate having to sacrifice time away from my wife and kids to leave and go to meetings, but I need to do what I need to do. I read that "step 0" is association and fellowship w/ others in recovery so I'm going to do just that. Last night I attended a LDS 12-step meeting and although it was a bit different than my SA group, it was a warm, safe place and the Spirit was definitely present! I'm so glad I went.
  • Really try hard to humble myself, and get on my knees and ask for God's help when I need to! Try and surrender myself to him rather than stubbornly refusing to let Him in. 
So, that's where I'm at. I'm starting from scratch but hopefully this time I'm setting myself up to achieve, rather than fail.

I want to conclude by sharing one of my favorite quotes: "Two men looked out of the same prison bars. One saw mud, the other saw stars." ~ Frederick Langbridge.

1 comment:

  1. You can do this! I will pray daily for you, and for me. One important aspect of recovery is not just resisting behaviors, but REPLACING emotions we feel when we are triggered. I know I sound like a broken record, but is teaching me how to do it.