I came across an interesting website the other day that gave me some new insight into my same sex attraction issues: www.samerecovery.com It talks about something called same sex lust. Ding! The light bulb completely went on in head as I browsed through the website and learned more about same sex lust.
Here is some info taken out of the SA white book about lust in general:
"When we try to use food or sex to reduce isolation, loneliness, insecurity, fear, tension, or to cover our emotions, make us feel alive, help us escape, or satisfy our God hunger, we create an unnatural appetite that misuses and abuses the natural instinct. It is not only more intense than the natural but becomes something totally different. Eating and sex enter a different dimension; they possess an unnatural spiritual component.
The addiction is thus to lust and not merely to the substance or physical act. Lust – the attitude itself – becomes the controlling factor in the addiction."
What a perfect description of lust. Lust definitely knows no bounds! It is so evident in my own life as my auto-erotic behaviors have become more intense, more depraved, and more perverted. Lust has become the #1 most important thing in my life. I obviously put it above my beautiful wife and family, my God, work, friends, everything. It is all-consuming.
When I check-in at my group every week, I always tell the group I deal w/ same-sex attraction. I have never labeled myself gay, or bi or anything like that b/c my SSA is primarily lust-driven. Same-sex lust more accurately defines and describes the nature of those feelings and activities. It's really difficult for me to admit that I deal w/ same-sex attraction to my group b/c it always makes me feel like I'm still that little 'cock-sucking faggot queer'.
The same-sex attraction issue in conjunction w/ my sex addiction makes me feel so much more ashamed and worse than other guys in my group. It's strange b/c some of those guys have even admitted to having pedophilia-like tendencies, or have had history w/ beastiality. I don't have those issues, yet my same sex attraction/lust makes me feel 10 x's more ashamed, more lesser-than, more inferior and unworthy. It will forever make me feel like an outsider and segregate me from the rest of the boys or the group. It makes me feel like I don't measure up as a man. Same sex lust, for me, results in the worst kind of toxic shame and self disparagement imaginable. I use 'imaginable' b/c I know those feelings are only w/in my head and are not real.