Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Starting Over

Well, I'm back to square one. Back to masturbating 2 or more times a day. I have to make up for lost time, right? Just kidding. Usually once I fall it just takes me a bit to build up some willpower and remind myself of my objective.

Things that need to happen:

A) I need a sponsor. Someone I can confide in and occasionally meet face-to-face with. Someone who is preferably straight and doesn't deal w/ same sex attraction. Someone who truly and genuinely loves and cares for me and won't get freaked out no matter what; especially when I tell them I like to stick stuff in my dick, jizz on my own face, or stick objects up my ass. That takes a pretty special, open-minded person.

B) Recovery work. I need to start setting time aside every day to read my sex addiction books and literature and do the work! I'm lazy and I hate to have to make a sacrifice to do it. It means time away from my wife and kids, time away from doing house and yard projects I enjoy, time, time, time! Plus I hate that most recovery work is deep, critical thinking and writing. I do need to do it, however. I know that it will really help shed some light on all this shit.

C) Get closer to the Savior. This is a biggy! I know he is there waiting for me w/ open arms but I am resolutely standing here w/ my arms crossed not wanting to go to him and tell him I need him. What's my problem? Pride? Procrastination? Guilt? Shame? Laziness? WTF?

D) Get off my fucking ass and DO something. Life is passing me by and I am watching day after day quickly slip away. So many regrets; so much disappointment and hopelessness; so many missed opportunities for growth and change. DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

E) Set and achieve a celibacy period (no sex w/ self or my wife). It needs to happen. The big question is whether or not I can do it and when do I begin? Gulp.

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