I just had a tremendous moment of self victory today and I hope I never forget how good I feel. I know that God and the angels in heaven are smiling down on me right now. I feel so alive...so happy...so strong...so at peace. :) I have to write about it to help me always remember I can conquer my dark passenger.
I was weak this afternoon and responded to a Craigslist ad for a guy looking for a j/o buddy. He wasn't interested in doing anything oral or anal, just a mutual j/o session. I fought the temptation to anonymously respond all afternoon but in the end my lust pushed me over the edge and I responded to his ad. You should have seen me after I hit "send." I was a wreck, but I used my lust and curiosity to numb the guilty feelings.
Then I got a response from him asking for my stats and a neck down pic (or course). God knows I was going to do it, but thankfully at the last minute I starting thinking about my beautiful wife and babies. I thought about how many times I've fucked around behind her back and completely devastated her, time and time again. I thought about our life and our marriage and our eternal covenants. I love her w/ all my heart and I'll be damned if I was once again going to let my fucking cock rule me and drive me away from her and make me potentially lose her, our kids, and our life together.
W/ no hesitation, I sat down at my computer and sent the following message back to the guy:
I have to apologize. I sent my email in a moment of weakness. As much as I'd love to get together w/ you, I can't.
I'm married and as curious as I am and as much as I'd love to mutual j/o w/ you, I won't cheat on my wife (again).
You've got a great body, and when you said you didn't want to do anything oral or anal that's what made me interested. But I can't go through w/ it. I'm sorry for jerking you around.
But I'm sure you won't have any trouble finding what you need tonight.
Sorry again and good luck!"
After I sent the email I sent my wife a text and simply told her I love her. Of course she was worried something was up so she called me to find out what was wrong. I told her I had had a moment of weakness and was going down a bad path but that I had stopped myself at the last minute by thinking about her and our family and the love I have for them. I didn't get into all the gory details, but she was thankful I had done what I did and made the right choice.
Aside from how fucked up I still am in so many ways, I'm thankful for the growth I have made. I know I have it deep down within myself to beat this bitch of an addiction and control my dark passenger. Victory was mine this afternoon!