Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Triggers

As addicts, we all have 'triggers' that propel us to act out. They are typically a. excitement seeking and b. tension reduction. We turn to our addictive behaviors to find solace and comfort and excitement, even though after we indulge we usually feel like even worse shit afterawards (addiction cycle).

Sometimes our triggers can be hard to distinguish or discover but I've been easily able to decipher a few of mine:

1) Unsurety
This is my #1 trigger. Whenever I feel unsure about the future or my current circumstances or start to deep think about where the hell I am going in life or how much I've fucked it up and what a loser I am, it immediately draws up icky hopeless, lost, nervous, anxious, shitty feelings. I always want to drown or numb that unsurety by cruising or masturbating. The easiest way for me to deal w/ real-life crises or problems is to not talk about them, pretend like everything's ok, and then masturbate like hell!

2) Boredom
Another huge trigger for me. I absolutely always have to be anxiously engaged in something worthwhile otherwise I find myself getting that all-too-familiar tickle-y feeling in my gut and think I have to add some spice or excitement to the mundane by acting out or fantasizing about acting out. I am struggling w/ this big-time at work right now b/c I don't have much going on. That's why I decided to start this blog. Rather than leaving to go cruise, or tossing off in the bathroom, or surfing Craigslist ads I will blog instead and get some of these shitty thoughts and feelings out of my head.

3) Depression
Something interesting about this trigger is that acting out on our addictions and feeling like life is spinning out of control makes us feel terribly depressed and hopeless despair. So to numb the pain, we want to act out again and again and again. It's a relentless, never-ending cycle. Yet it's harder than hell to break it.

4) Rejection, Exclusion, Intimidation, Abandonment
This trigger developed from my haunting Jr. High days. Whenever I feel like I'm not fitting in w/ the "boys" or am easily intimidated by someone (usually someone I'm attracted to), I tend to want to isolate myself and crawl into a dark space and lick my self-imagined wounds by masturbating. I feel this a lot, like in my SA group, at work, in my Elders Quorum, etc. I know it's all in my fucking head, but it's still there nonetheless.

1 comment:

  1. I can so agree with this post. My biggest triggers are feeling unsure of myself, unattractive or depressed. Then the old behaviors start. I can't even visit Craigslist anymore without hitting casual encounters even if I went there for the job listings or a couch.

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