Monday, April 2, 2012

Withdrawal

Today is day 19 w/o masturbating and its been a tough go. The first week to 10 days are usually no problem, but then after that I'm completely biting nails. As I've mentioned before in another post I have never gone longer than 3 weeks since I was 7 w/o masturbating except for a 3 month period last winter. That 3 month stretch came after I met w/ my Bishop and completely spilled my guts to him about my cruising, my SSA, my lustful and adulterous heart, etc. I firmly believe that b/c I had finally come to the Bishop (the Lord) w/ a completely broken heart and contrite spirit the Lord blessed me for my efforts and I was thusly able to enjoy a 3 month sobriety from masturbating for the first time in my life. It was me almost losing my daughter to a bad sicknesses that unfortunately turned me back to masturbating to comfort myself. Since then (last February) I've been back to being a regular jacker offer.

Controlling the son of a bitch is always on my mind, however. It's not as if I freely j/o at any whim and don't think about it or never feel the painful after-effects. Last month, I decided to ask my Bishop if I could go 1 month w/o masturbating if he would allow me to go and do a session at the temple w/ my wife. He said that would be a great goal to work toward. I'm really fighting hard to achieve my goal. I'm not thinking after what happens afterwards, though. I'm not going to achieve my 1 month goal, attend the temple, and then go back to jacking it every day. But let tomorrow take care of itself. I'm just focusing on getting through the next 12 days.

I'm amazed at the strong withdrawl symptoms my addict has been experiencing! Some of the more intense withdrawl symptoms I've been experiencing lately are as follows: impatience, preoccupation and/or obsession, rage, hostility, nervousness, rapid heartbeat, and lightheadedness. The other day out of nowhere I wanted so badly to get a big 20oz. coffee and a newspaper and just go and park and drink in my 'badness.' Another day after work I stopped to get a pop and saw a kid flick a half-finished cigarette that I really had to struggle not getting out, picking it up and driving to somewhere to be alone and smoke it and again wallow in my sin. When I even think about sneaking a cigarette, or coffee, or surfing craigslist, or experimenting on myself by sounding or sticking things where they shouldn't go or just plain throwing in the towel and going fucking wild on myself it's an instant rush to the head (both heads, actually). It's like I crave to be bad! My addict searches for any avenue it can to find a release. When I'm trying to control AB and C, then XY or Z flares up w/ a vengeance.

I've likened these flare-ups to Hawaiian fire-stick throwers. It's extremely difficult, if not impossible for me to keep all my fire sticks (addictions, cravings, temptations) going all at once. It always seems like I'm dropping one. And when I do drop one, watch out b/c I don't just slide a titch to either side; I typically slide down to a whole new level of sin and wickedness. And then I roll around in it while I'm there.

However, on a positive note I'm happy to report as of today my sticks are all still up in the air!


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