Thursday, May 24, 2012

Letting Go

Things have been going a bit better in my life lately. Not great; but better.

Last week I found myself in a sticky spot. I was frequently seeing and texting a guy that I had met in the gay park (again) last week. This is the same guy I watched have sex w/ another guy last month and the same one I mutually masturbated w/ and couldn't stop looking into his eyes. For whatever reason I haven't been able to stop thinking about him over the past few weeks. I was thrilled when I found him again and we were able to hook back up.

It was weird. I wasn't so much interested in his cock or doing any of that sexual stuff, even though things always eventually went that way when we saw each other. I found myself thinking about him a lot and we would text back and forth all day. When we got together we would tightly hug and touch and feel and hold and (of course) mutually masturbate together. It felt so good to hug and hold him and feel his arms and his strength and his (it seems totally faggot for me to say this): his maleness. But he was giving me something I was needing: attention and male affection. I knew it was wrong the entire time, but it felt so good that I couldn't NOT do it. Awesome double negative usage. HAHA
However, when he would touch my chest or arms I kept having this strong impression that these things weren't HIS to touch. My body belongs to my wife. And this guy doesn't know me. He doesn't even know my last name! All he sees is the physical. All that was going through my mind the entire time.

I knew what I had to do.

On Monday we met and had a tête-à-tête in the woods. It totally felt like something straight out of Brokeback Mtn. Afterwards as we were walking back to our cars I told him I couldn't see him anymore. We are both married w/ children and it isn't right. I love my wife and my kids and my life too much to keep this dirty secret stupid little gay affair going. And I knew exactly why I was doing it and what I was needing and that I was filling my void in the wrong way. I told him it was going to be difficult and that I would never forget him.

But in the end I knew it was right and it was so liberating to let go and say goodbye.

That was on Monday and as of today, Thursday, I'm in a good place. I haven't heard from him. I haven't found myself thinking or dwelling on him or re-lusting after him or our trysts. It gave me strength and courage to realize how much I've grown and changed and the wisdom I've obtained. It felt so good to "let go."

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Wandering Eye

I have a love/hate relationship w/ this time of the year. It feels so good to work in my yard and spend day after day out under the warm sun, yet w/ those warm sunny days also comes a barrage of tempation. People everywhere walking, jogging, biking, tanning half naked. Those images get in my mind and I can't shake them.

Yesterday I had lunch w/ a good friend of mine down on the river. There were tons of people out and about so I didn't lack for some good eye candy. Needless to say I couldn't shake some of the "things" I saw. I kept rolling them around in my mind all afternoon until I finally had to go and have a release in the bathroom. Of course I felt like shit afterwards. I had gone for 2 1/2 weeks w/o masturbating and again had to tell my Bishop I fucked up and have to start over. He asked me what would help me to reach my goal? I responded being more faithful in my reading (SA/addiction materials) and praying (which is still non-existent at this point).

So, today's a new day. Yet I already have that all-too-familiar tickle in my loins that I want to rub one out. A part of me (shoulder angel) says, "c'mon, you don't have to go down that road and get caught in that cycle. Take a stand and keep your hands off yourself." Then another part of me, (my shoulder devil) says, "go ahead. You just did it yesterday. It won't hurt a thing to do it 5, 6 or 8 times today if you feel like it to get it out of your system and start fresh tomorrow." I know I should safeguard myself by being proactive and resolutely deciding right NOW that I won't masturbate today, tomorrow, etc and that I'll be a good boy, but for some reason I can't say that I won't masturbate today. Or I won't say that I won't. What's up w/ that?

Friday, May 11, 2012

Love & Friendship

I just want to give a quick shout out to all my friends, online, anonymous or otherwise for all your unwavering love and support. You help give me strength to muster up enough conviction and drive to get through another day. I love you and am thankful for you in my life.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Lamentation

I don't think I've ever been as depressed in my entire life as I am right now and frankly I don't know what to do about it. It scares me. I feel as if I am sinking. I am spinning around looking for a way out or a light or something, but there is only darkness, emptiness, and futility. Sometimes I feel like I'm being crushed by the sadness and hopelessness and anger and emptiness. There's a part of me that is growing so weary of fighting! I want to tell Satan and all the other son of a bitching demons that are constantly surrounding me to just have at it. Go ahead: Take Me! That's what scares me. The veil seems so thin I can almost see and feel them standing around me w/ me in their midst; constantly whispering temptations and awful things in my ear. Instead of getting stronger I am getting weaker and they are gaining strength. 

I feel so bad for my wife. I had no business getting married.
I feel so bad for my kids. I had no business having children.

I know it is never too late to make changes, but why does it seem like such an insurmountable impossibility?

Plus, lately I've had sprinkled in w/ my depression (sometimes) intense cravings to smoke a cigarette, drink some alcohol or coffee, or just blitz out and say fuck life. It is so difficult. I just want to fade away. I don't want to FEEL anymore. The loneliness, the fucked-upedness, the sadness, the hurt, the anger, all of it.

But what really sucks is I know that even in death there is no rest.

"Ye cannot say, when ye are brought to that awful crisis, that I will repent, that I will return to my God. Nay, ye cannot say this; for that same spirit which doth possess your bodies at the time that ye go out of this life, that same spirit will have power to possess your body in that eternal world." Alma 34:34

I know that unless I conquer these demons and become the man I am meant to become in this life, it will be the same hell in the world to come.

Here's to another fucking day of life. Puke.

Friday, May 4, 2012

Desperately Seeking Arousal

I'm sitting here at "work" passing another boring, mundane, lifeless day and praying that 5:00 will come as soon as possible so that I can finally go home, relax, and thoroughly relish the fact I don't have to come back for 2 full days.

All day long while at work including right now I am strongly enticed to leave work and go cruise at the park or surf craigslist ads. However, I recognize that my addict, or dark passenger as I fondly call him, is looking for something to spice up the monotony and excite himself. A few weeks ago I wouldn't have known that. A friend of mine in my SA group shared a book w/ me entitled "Surviving Withdrawal." The book discusses 3 types of experiences we, as addicts become addicted through acting out.

1) Arousal. Makes the blood pump and stimulates everything from head to toe. i.e. Stimulants: cocaine, meth; cruising, porn, anonymous sex
2) Satiation. Calmes and relaxes us. i.e. Depressants: marijuana, alcohol; masturbating before going to sleep
3) Fantasy. Puts us in a state of euphoria or trance-like mode. i.e. Hallucinogenics: LSD, mushrooms, etc.; porn, sexual fantasy, fetishes, etc.

As sex addicts we experience all 3 types of addictive experiences (arousal, satiation, and fantasy) which makes it that much harder to control, nay, QUIT, rather than just dealing w/ one drug at a time. I know that I am particulaly addicted to the arousal experience. Because I feel so unimportant and dull lately, my insides are literally screaming for something to stimulate and arouse myself so to feel like I'm actually living rather than made of stone.

I also recognize these are times when I need to find something healthy to replace those bad cravings. When my insides are screaming to be aroused, rather than feed them by sexually acting out and getting that quick fix, I need to do something else. Today, I'm blogging. All next week, however, who knows...? This is why I need and want a job that keeps me busy all day long, every day. Yet nothing is turning up. Damn it!

C'mon God, throw me a bone here...please! I'm doing my part, would you please do a little more on your end to improve my situation?

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Another Restless Night

I don't know what my problem is but lately I have been waking up every morning at 5 AM and am unable to go back to sleep. My mind starts going 100 mph and all my fears, worries, problems, etc. weigh heavily on me until it feels like I'm going to split in two. I toss and turn and try to shut it all out but I can't. Sometimes I literally feel like I am completely coming undone from the inside out. It's scary.

I totally hate those wee hours of the morning. Everything seems so major. Life is a frightening monster and I feel so useless, helpless, hopeless and lost. Here I am, in my early 30s, w/ a wife, small children, a house, and all the responsibilities that go w/ all of that. Life would seem idyllic from the outside, but if someone could scrape away all the layers and see what is going on in the inside of my mind they'd see something completely different. For starters, my life wouldn't seem so picturesque.
I try and focus on the positive things (noted above) and I admit I have been truly blessed in so many ways. I know that! I'm not a complete whiny, morose, woebegone bastard. I've thought maybe that's all my purpose was...to bring these beautiful little spirits into the world. Perhaps one of them is supposed to accomplish something truly great. Maybe it was never about me in the first place.

When it comes to REAL life, where I'm at and where I'm going I feel like a scared and shy 14 year old boy who is completely suffering and no one and nothing can help. My wife and I have drawn the conclusion that perhaps that's when the greatest emotional/mental damange took place in my life and that there is indeed a part of me that is still stuck in those teenage years.

That is why I'm still struggling to find out who the real me is. What do I want in life? What are my goals and aspirations? Where am I going? What do I need to do to get there? Many people use their late teens and early 20s to figure out those life questions but I'm lagging behind 15 years! Try as I might I just can't figure out who the fuck I am or what the fuck I am doing w/ my life. I feel like a total failure in so many ways.

Yeah, yeah, 'it's never to late to start something new, right?' Well that's bullshit. How, where and what exactly am I supposed to do? I'm stuck! Aside from my wife and children, I have nothing to show for my life! It's organized chaos, nothing more. I've been to college, but settled on a basically worthless degree. I have absolutely no real-world experience doing anything at all of any importance. The job I'm at now is pretty much my first "real" job yet I'm so inconsequential here it's pathetic. All my other past jobs have been waitering or doing something else in the food industry (which I absolutely can't stomach). How the hell am I supposed to just break into something new now? Where do I even begin? HAHA What a joke.

Just like the prodigal son, I have completely squandered and wasted the majority of my life almost to the point that it's too late. All that potential and opportunity frittered away in something that would never give back. Blah, blah, blah, yada, yada, yada and all that other fucking jazz.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Personal Awareness

My acting out episode on Friday afternoon taught me something about myself that I've never known. I finally realized what sort of men I am attracted to, intimidate me, and/or trigger me. Since I had that realization, I've actually found myself not lusting or scanning every male that I see. I realize now what my attractions are and when and how my SSA issues usually arise.

One of the guys I acted out w/ on Friday was tall, yet fairly pudgy. He was by no means an Adonis, but he wasn't distasteful either, otherwise I wouldn't have gone as far as I did. Again, I'm not going to go into all the details about the actual experience. Suffice to say we masturbated together. Yet as we masturbated, I wasn't as interested in looking at his dick or lusting after him as I usually have in the past. Rather, we kept looking into each others' eyes as we were masturbating. We both did not want to orgasm b/c we knew the moment would be over. We were fixated on eachothers' eyes and did not look away. It was weird. And I kept having strong compulsions to hug him tight. Not to grap his dick or suck him off or do any of that trashy shit. I just simply wanted to keep staring at him in his eyes.

The whole experience was oddly moving and really made a deep impression.

That night, as I thought about him and replayed the experience over and over again in my mind it suddenly dawned on me that I am attracted to men that embody some of my own physical characteristics (oh how self-absorbed I sound! Am I really that fucking vain? Puke!) yet also men that for me exemplify what a 'real man' is or should be. Basically, I lust after men that kind of look like me, yet are more manly.

Anyway, they have to be tall (over 6'2"), broad-shouldered, big bones, average weight (they don't necessarily have to be toned muscle-men, but I don't like gangly and skinny guys either), have hair on their heads (hair on their chest is ok but the back is a no-go), strong face and jaw, strong arms and hands, mid 20s to mid 40s; men who make a statement when they walk into the room and that can command a situation. They are bold, strapping, assertive, and self-confident. A lot of the guys I'm describing would probably fit in a jock category, but not always. Sometimes they're polished businessmen or blue collar workers. Effeminate men turn me off.

These are the type of guys that made fun of me in high school. They are the guys that highly intimidate me and make me feel lesser-than today. They are the guys I am strongly attracted to at work, church, group, etc. and lust after. They exhibit the qualities of a 'real man' and somewhere along the way I've come to sexualize and idolize them. As I look back over my life it's so obvious to me; why didn't I realize it before?

It actually feels quite liberating and relieving to have had that revelation. Now, as I mentioned above, I'm not looking and lusting after every guy I see. It's only the ones that have the characteristics above that really put me in a state of sexual uncertainty. That personal knowledge, as weird as it all sounds, has actually given me some sort of power over my dark passenger.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Things Could Be Worse

My wife and I sometimes enjoy watching the TV show "My Strange Addiction." As I watch and see how truly disturbed some people are in this world it makes me feel like my problems are pretty trite. Yes, I've been involved in some pretty deviant, perverted sexual behaviors, but they really still do pale in comparison w/ some of the bizarre things other people are addicted to. One lady subsists solely on wet and dry cat food, another lady bathes in bleach. One guy has a sexual relationship w/ his car and another guy compulsively pulls hair out of tub and sink drains . Some of the other strange addictions include sniffing baby powder, comsuming 100's of laxatives a day, eating plastic and glass and other objects, tanning, smelling golf balls, etc.

A part of me finds some of these strange addictions and behaviors truly disturbing and sometimes revolting, yet another part of me feels strong compassion for these people as I understand what it's like to be out of control and unable to stop certain behaviors and activities. It's so sad that some of these peoples' compulsions and addictions are so intense that they will ultimately have fatal results. Addiction sucks!