Thursday, May 3, 2012

Another Restless Night

I don't know what my problem is but lately I have been waking up every morning at 5 AM and am unable to go back to sleep. My mind starts going 100 mph and all my fears, worries, problems, etc. weigh heavily on me until it feels like I'm going to split in two. I toss and turn and try to shut it all out but I can't. Sometimes I literally feel like I am completely coming undone from the inside out. It's scary.

I totally hate those wee hours of the morning. Everything seems so major. Life is a frightening monster and I feel so useless, helpless, hopeless and lost. Here I am, in my early 30s, w/ a wife, small children, a house, and all the responsibilities that go w/ all of that. Life would seem idyllic from the outside, but if someone could scrape away all the layers and see what is going on in the inside of my mind they'd see something completely different. For starters, my life wouldn't seem so picturesque.
I try and focus on the positive things (noted above) and I admit I have been truly blessed in so many ways. I know that! I'm not a complete whiny, morose, woebegone bastard. I've thought maybe that's all my purpose bring these beautiful little spirits into the world. Perhaps one of them is supposed to accomplish something truly great. Maybe it was never about me in the first place.

When it comes to REAL life, where I'm at and where I'm going I feel like a scared and shy 14 year old boy who is completely suffering and no one and nothing can help. My wife and I have drawn the conclusion that perhaps that's when the greatest emotional/mental damange took place in my life and that there is indeed a part of me that is still stuck in those teenage years.

That is why I'm still struggling to find out who the real me is. What do I want in life? What are my goals and aspirations? Where am I going? What do I need to do to get there? Many people use their late teens and early 20s to figure out those life questions but I'm lagging behind 15 years! Try as I might I just can't figure out who the fuck I am or what the fuck I am doing w/ my life. I feel like a total failure in so many ways.

Yeah, yeah, 'it's never to late to start something new, right?' Well that's bullshit. How, where and what exactly am I supposed to do? I'm stuck! Aside from my wife and children, I have nothing to show for my life! It's organized chaos, nothing more. I've been to college, but settled on a basically worthless degree. I have absolutely no real-world experience doing anything at all of any importance. The job I'm at now is pretty much my first "real" job yet I'm so inconsequential here it's pathetic. All my other past jobs have been waitering or doing something else in the food industry (which I absolutely can't stomach). How the hell am I supposed to just break into something new now? Where do I even begin? HAHA What a joke.

Just like the prodigal son, I have completely squandered and wasted the majority of my life almost to the point that it's too late. All that potential and opportunity frittered away in something that would never give back. Blah, blah, blah, yada, yada, yada and all that other fucking jazz.

1 comment:

  1. Dark Passenger

    FJ here. I read what you said here and I know where you are at as I am also in that position at the same time. The only difference is that I have no family like a wife and kids like you have. I am also older than you, but again, I am where you're at and believe me, it is a very difficult thing to live with. I know because I am also living it.

    Thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment. Truly appreciated. If you'd like, we can communicate via personal e-mail and share some really deep stuff that I think is too, you know, for this type of thing as leaving comments on a blog.

    If you would like for us to communicate personally, you can share your e-mail address with me and I will sent you an e-mail.

    I look forward to hearing from you.