I'm sitting here at "work" passing another boring, mundane, lifeless day and praying that 5:00 will come as soon as possible so that I can finally go home, relax, and thoroughly relish the fact I don't have to come back for 2 full days.
All day long while at work including right now I am strongly enticed to leave work and go cruise at the park or surf craigslist ads. However, I recognize that my addict, or dark passenger as I fondly call him, is looking for something to spice up the monotony and excite himself. A few weeks ago I wouldn't have known that. A friend of mine in my SA group shared a book w/ me entitled "Surviving Withdrawal." The book discusses 3 types of experiences we, as addicts become addicted through acting out.
1) Arousal. Makes the blood pump and stimulates everything from head to toe. i.e. Stimulants: cocaine, meth; cruising, porn, anonymous sex
2) Satiation. Calmes and relaxes us. i.e. Depressants: marijuana, alcohol; masturbating before going to sleep
3) Fantasy. Puts us in a state of euphoria or trance-like mode. i.e. Hallucinogenics: LSD, mushrooms, etc.; porn, sexual fantasy, fetishes, etc.
As sex addicts we experience all 3 types of addictive experiences (arousal, satiation, and fantasy) which makes it that much harder to control, nay, QUIT, rather than just dealing w/ one drug at a time. I know that I am particulaly addicted to the arousal experience. Because I feel so unimportant and dull lately, my insides are literally screaming for something to stimulate and arouse myself so to feel like I'm actually living rather than made of stone.
I also recognize these are times when I need to find something healthy to replace those bad cravings. When my insides are screaming to be aroused, rather than feed them by sexually acting out and getting that quick fix, I need to do something else. Today, I'm blogging. All next week, however, who knows...? This is why I need and want a job that keeps me busy all day long, every day. Yet nothing is turning up. Damn it!
C'mon God, throw me a bone here...please! I'm doing my part, would you please do a little more on your end to improve my situation?