Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Lamentation

I don't think I've ever been as depressed in my entire life as I am right now and frankly I don't know what to do about it. It scares me. I feel as if I am sinking. I am spinning around looking for a way out or a light or something, but there is only darkness, emptiness, and futility. Sometimes I feel like I'm being crushed by the sadness and hopelessness and anger and emptiness. There's a part of me that is growing so weary of fighting! I want to tell Satan and all the other son of a bitching demons that are constantly surrounding me to just have at it. Go ahead: Take Me! That's what scares me. The veil seems so thin I can almost see and feel them standing around me w/ me in their midst; constantly whispering temptations and awful things in my ear. Instead of getting stronger I am getting weaker and they are gaining strength. 

I feel so bad for my wife. I had no business getting married.
I feel so bad for my kids. I had no business having children.

I know it is never too late to make changes, but why does it seem like such an insurmountable impossibility?

Plus, lately I've had sprinkled in w/ my depression (sometimes) intense cravings to smoke a cigarette, drink some alcohol or coffee, or just blitz out and say fuck life. It is so difficult. I just want to fade away. I don't want to FEEL anymore. The loneliness, the fucked-upedness, the sadness, the hurt, the anger, all of it.

But what really sucks is I know that even in death there is no rest.

"Ye cannot say, when ye are brought to that awful crisis, that I will repent, that I will return to my God. Nay, ye cannot say this; for that same spirit which doth possess your bodies at the time that ye go out of this life, that same spirit will have power to possess your body in that eternal world." Alma 34:34

I know that unless I conquer these demons and become the man I am meant to become in this life, it will be the same hell in the world to come.

Here's to another fucking day of life. Puke.

1 comment:

  1. Don't give up. I know that you are having a very difficult time right now, but don't ever give up. That is what Satan and his minions want you to do. You don't want them jumping for joy by giving up your fight. Stay strong and don't ever give up.

    Right now, you have only real option and that is pray. Pray to God right now and tell him how you are feeling, what you are feeling and share with God the difficulties that you are having in your life at the moment. Remember, God is never too busy to listen to you. He wants you to come to him and talk to him about what is troubling you. He is there to listen and he would never let you be swallowed up by the world and what it does. Pray to him and ask for strength to resist temptation and pray to him for strength to continue in your fight against SSA. It is a very difficult fight, but don't ever give up your fight NEVER EVER give Satan and his minions what they want. Keep up the fight and also, one more time, don't ever give up. Also, don't give up on life and don't ever think that you are not worthy of what you have. You are fortunate to have a wife and children as they are both a blessing from God. God is there and he wants you to come and talk to him about what is troubling you and also, how you're feeling and what you are feeling.

    Prayer to God through his son Jesus Christ will also make you feel much better and once you throw your burden on God and talk about it, you will feel much better because that is what God wants you to do and expects that of you (Psalm 55:22)and also to take on the yoke of his son Jesus Christ(Matthew 11:28-30).

    By the way, I still would like for us to communicate with each other via personal e-mail. I just need your permission to share my e-mail address with you.

    Just something to keep in mind and I am hoping for the best for you as you truly deserve the best. Take care.

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