I don't think I've ever been as depressed in my entire life as I am right now and frankly I don't know what to do about it. It scares me. I feel as if I am sinking. I am spinning around looking for a way out or a light or something, but there is only darkness, emptiness, and futility. Sometimes I feel like I'm being crushed by the sadness and hopelessness and anger and emptiness. There's a part of me that is growing so weary of fighting! I want to tell Satan and all the other son of a bitching demons that are constantly surrounding me to just have at it. Go ahead: Take Me! That's what scares me. The veil seems so thin I can almost see and feel them standing around me w/ me in their midst; constantly whispering temptations and awful things in my ear. Instead of getting stronger I am getting weaker and they are gaining strength.
I feel so bad for my wife. I had no business getting married.
I feel so bad for my kids. I had no business having children.
I know it is never too late to make changes, but why does it seem like such an insurmountable impossibility?
Plus, lately I've had sprinkled in w/ my depression (sometimes) intense cravings to smoke a cigarette, drink some alcohol or coffee, or just blitz out and say fuck life. It is so difficult. I just want to fade away. I don't want to FEEL anymore. The loneliness, the fucked-upedness, the sadness, the hurt, the anger, all of it.
But what really sucks is I know that even in death there is no rest.
"Ye cannot say, when ye are brought to that awful crisis, that I will repent, that I will return to my God. Nay, ye cannot say this; for that same spirit which doth possess your bodies at the time that ye go out of this life, that same spirit will have power to possess your body in that eternal world." Alma 34:34
I know that unless I conquer these demons and become the man I am meant to become in this life, it will be the same hell in the world to come.
Here's to another fucking day of life. Puke.