Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Personal Awareness

My acting out episode on Friday afternoon taught me something about myself that I've never known. I finally realized what sort of men I am attracted to, intimidate me, and/or trigger me. Since I had that realization, I've actually found myself not lusting or scanning every male that I see. I realize now what my attractions are and when and how my SSA issues usually arise.

One of the guys I acted out w/ on Friday was tall, yet fairly pudgy. He was by no means an Adonis, but he wasn't distasteful either, otherwise I wouldn't have gone as far as I did. Again, I'm not going to go into all the details about the actual experience. Suffice to say we masturbated together. Yet as we masturbated, I wasn't as interested in looking at his dick or lusting after him as I usually have in the past. Rather, we kept looking into each others' eyes as we were masturbating. We both did not want to orgasm b/c we knew the moment would be over. We were fixated on eachothers' eyes and did not look away. It was weird. And I kept having strong compulsions to hug him tight. Not to grap his dick or suck him off or do any of that trashy shit. I just simply wanted to keep staring at him in his eyes.

The whole experience was oddly moving and really made a deep impression.

That night, as I thought about him and replayed the experience over and over again in my mind it suddenly dawned on me that I am attracted to men that embody some of my own physical characteristics (oh how self-absorbed I sound! Am I really that fucking vain? Puke!) yet also men that for me exemplify what a 'real man' is or should be. Basically, I lust after men that kind of look like me, yet are more manly.

Anyway, they have to be tall (over 6'2"), broad-shouldered, big bones, average weight (they don't necessarily have to be toned muscle-men, but I don't like gangly and skinny guys either), have hair on their heads (hair on their chest is ok but the back is a no-go), strong face and jaw, strong arms and hands, mid 20s to mid 40s; men who make a statement when they walk into the room and that can command a situation. They are bold, strapping, assertive, and self-confident. A lot of the guys I'm describing would probably fit in a jock category, but not always. Sometimes they're polished businessmen or blue collar workers. Effeminate men turn me off.

These are the type of guys that made fun of me in high school. They are the guys that highly intimidate me and make me feel lesser-than today. They are the guys I am strongly attracted to at work, church, group, etc. and lust after. They exhibit the qualities of a 'real man' and somewhere along the way I've come to sexualize and idolize them. As I look back over my life it's so obvious to me; why didn't I realize it before?

It actually feels quite liberating and relieving to have had that revelation. Now, as I mentioned above, I'm not looking and lusting after every guy I see. It's only the ones that have the characteristics above that really put me in a state of sexual uncertainty. That personal knowledge, as weird as it all sounds, has actually given me some sort of power over my dark passenger.

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