Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Wandering Eye

I have a love/hate relationship w/ this time of the year. It feels so good to work in my yard and spend day after day out under the warm sun, yet w/ those warm sunny days also comes a barrage of tempation. People everywhere walking, jogging, biking, tanning half naked. Those images get in my mind and I can't shake them.

Yesterday I had lunch w/ a good friend of mine down on the river. There were tons of people out and about so I didn't lack for some good eye candy. Needless to say I couldn't shake some of the "things" I saw. I kept rolling them around in my mind all afternoon until I finally had to go and have a release in the bathroom. Of course I felt like shit afterwards. I had gone for 2 1/2 weeks w/o masturbating and again had to tell my Bishop I fucked up and have to start over. He asked me what would help me to reach my goal? I responded being more faithful in my reading (SA/addiction materials) and praying (which is still non-existent at this point).

So, today's a new day. Yet I already have that all-too-familiar tickle in my loins that I want to rub one out. A part of me (shoulder angel) says, "c'mon, you don't have to go down that road and get caught in that cycle. Take a stand and keep your hands off yourself." Then another part of me, (my shoulder devil) says, "go ahead. You just did it yesterday. It won't hurt a thing to do it 5, 6 or 8 times today if you feel like it to get it out of your system and start fresh tomorrow." I know I should safeguard myself by being proactive and resolutely deciding right NOW that I won't masturbate today, tomorrow, etc and that I'll be a good boy, but for some reason I can't say that I won't masturbate today. Or I won't say that I won't. What's up w/ that?

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