Friday, June 29, 2012

Shameful Secrets

I'm happy to report I'm on an upswing. I'm 2 1/2 weeks sober from masturbation and any addictive behaviors and I've seen a therapist twice now. During our first session I took her through my sexual history up through my senior year in High School. This past session we talked about everything since my senior year up until the present day. Some of the stuff is pretty intense and while my therapist is easy to talk to I do feel uncomfortable divulging some of my deepest, most shameful secrets. Something that was pointed out that really hit home was the following: "Secrets are the soil of addiction."

So, I thought maybe it would help to pen these shameful secrets down and get them out of my mind:
  • When I was 13 I held my penis up to the mouth of my baby boy cousin thinking maybe he would suck on it like a pacifier. I didn't force it in, I didn't touch or fondle him, and he never did suck it. It was just an impulse thing but I've never forgotten it.
  • When I was 13 I sucked on my dogs testicles.
  • Around the same time I remember sticking my finger in a female dog's vagina until she yelped.
  • In an empty church room, I prodded and then watched a girl finger herself in an empty church room.
  • At 15 I took a trip to Ft. Lauderdale, FL w/ my father. One day at the beach I found a used condom. I went to a restroom and put the used condom on and masturbated into it. This is a big secret I have never shared w/ anyone.
  • At 20 I had unprotected anal sex w/ a guy (he did me and I did him) and (I think) contracted genital warts...? I was so scared and disgusted. I remember seeing a couple of small bumps or warts on my penis and I scratched them off. I think I may even have had a couple on my anus as well, which I also scratched off. I've never seen anything since then anywhere and it's been 13 years, so I don't know if that's what they were or perhaps something else..
  • I have never had an STD or HIV test. Even when my wife and I were going to be married and it was advised by the marriage licensing dept. that we should do something like. How shitty is that of me? I'm planning to write more about that in another post.
  • In High School I wrote a boy some sexually perverse and vulgar letters telling him I wanted to do this, that, and the other w/ him or to him. I think I wrote 2 or 3. I told him to call me if he was interested (I put my cell # in the letter; how stupid was that!) The authorities were contacted, and I remember being called to the High School police officer's office and taking a handwriting test. I then had to meet w/ an attorney and go over everything I had done and then I met w/ the pros. attorney. During all of this I never told my parents what was going on. I was so scared. The pros. attorney threatened to send me to a correctional institution. In the end, I don't remember how that all got resolved, but somehow it did. I never had to go to court or go through legal proceedings or any of that. I honestly don't remember a lot of it; I think the trauma and fear I was feeling at the time helped me black a lot of it out. Because of all of that going on, I wasn't able to walk in my seminary graduation. I received my diploma a few weeks later in the mail.
  • I again wrote some letters (wouldn't you think I had learned my lesson?) to a guy in my class at Ricks College that fall. The Dean was notified and I was kicked out of Ricks College. That is one of the biggest regrets of my life.
  • I had my Real Estate license for a while and when I showed a house I snooped through the couples nightstand in their bedroom to look for sex toys, porn, lube, etc. (I used to do that a lot). One time I found a guy's masturbation tube/sleeve. I put it on and masturbated into it, then cleaned it out, dried it off and put it back.
  • Some of the other misc. secrets I haven't divulged to anyone b/c of shame and embarrasment: ejaculating/urinating in my own mouth; the hard core, raunchy porn I have viewed that arouses me; my fascination w/ sounding, water sports, and S&M-type behavior.
Keep in mind these are the deepest, darkest, most shaming secrets that I hold on to. In reality, my entire life has been nothing but a network of harboring dark secrets and lies, sneaking, hiding, deceiving, pretending, working in darkness and loving and wallowing in my carnal sins and wickedness. There are 100's upon 100's of instances when I have lied and covered up my actions or glazed over or not told the whole truth i.e. going to parks, bathhouses, streets, porn shops, bars, etc. Smoking, drinking, pot, etc. But the secrets that I have noted above are the most dark, the most shameful, and the ones that make me feel the most self hatred, guilt, and toxic shame. But it does feel better to finally get some of them out and write them down, even if it is only anonymously.

Monday, June 18, 2012

ABC Action List

It's been a while since I've blogged. The truth is I went through a really rough patch and acted out something fierce. I was caught in a bad spin cycle: cruising, voyeurism, masturbating, sounding, pornography, etc. I started surfing Craigslist ads and was responding to several per day. It all came to a head when I was going to hook up w/ someone for some watersports. How's that for escalating? Wow. I had my last encounter w/ a guy last Tues. and I allowed him to masturbate me. That was definitely pushing the envelope again b/c ordinarily I never allow anyone to touch me. But each time I've acted w/ somebody it's gone further and further.

I told my wife and she was devastated and completely crushed (again!) to say the least. I realized I am going to lose her and our beautiful family unless something changed. I had to do something different this time. This led me to put together an "ABC Action List."

Here it is:
My name is XXX, I'm a sex addict and I deal w/ same sex lust.

Bottom Line Behaviors: Masturbation, Mutual Masturbation, Pornography, Voyeurism, Cruising, Auto-eroticism, Fantasy.

ABC Action List:
A. I will stay away from the park and any other place I know are cruising spots. I will not drive or bike the stretch of  XXX Ave. between XXX and XXX.. I will always take an alternative route.
B. I will stay away from the park at the boat landing. I will never go there for any reason. Period.
C. I will not use public restrooms alone. I will take a kid or friend in w/ me.
D. Aside from going to work each day, I will not go places alone (errands, pop runs, etc). I will take a kid, wife, friend, etc. w/ me at all times.
E. I will say personal prayers AM & PM every day and whenever I feel weak or tempted. I will kneel down beside my bed each night.
F. I will be open, honest, and have full disclosure w/ my wife, my Bishop, and my sponsor. No dark secrets; no dark corners. I will live by the rule: "A clear conscience makes the softest pillow."
G. I will not use vulgar, crude language. If I need to discuss or write about something sexual, I will use the appropriate words and terms.
H. I will not view or read triggering media, entertainment, news, etc. I will avoid such articles, news stories, etc. and turn my head or shut my eyes if something is triggering on TV to me even if it is a commercial.
I. I will not go to the Craigslist website. Never.
J. I will not peruse Facebook profiles out of curiosity.
K. I will not have 'alternative' relationships/friendships or make contact w/ anyone living such a lifestyle. The only exception to this rule is XXX. Nor will I make or take calls, texts, or PMs from such individuals or have secret friendships or FB friends.
L. I will participate in therapy w/ a licensed counselor at least 2 x's/mo.
M. I will find a sponsor I trust and work my recovery steps w/ him.
N.  I will attend my Wednesday night SA group every week and other groups when time and my schedule permits.
O. I will not indulge in lusting after others or in past experiences or fantasy.
P. I will only look at others from the waist up and will not engage in rubber necking (2nd look) while driving, biking or walking.
Q. I will fill out a Core Card every day.
R. I will not masturbate. I will not allow my wife to masturbate me. I will only engage in sexual relations w/ my wife when it is driven by both of us wanting it.
S. I will not fantasize whilst having sex w/ my wife.
T. I will not touch my genitals or genital area or any area that is sexually arousing to me. Exception: bathroom and tub/shower and only then is it minimal touching
U. I will periodically check in w/ my Bishop either via interview, phone call or text to keep him updated and to be accountable and honest.
V. I will always wear my garments even when I am working outside.
W. I will fast every Fast Sunday.
X. I will do 1 act of service for another person every day.
Y. I will be proactive in my recovery work but I won’t be overwhelmed. I will work it slow.
Z. I will keep the Sabbath Day holy by doing things or not doing things I know I shouldn’t do on the Sabbath Day in order to be worthy of the Spirit.