It's been a while since I've blogged. The truth is I went through a really rough patch and acted out something fierce. I was caught in a bad spin cycle: cruising, voyeurism, masturbating, sounding, pornography, etc. I started surfing Craigslist ads and was responding to several per day. It all came to a head when I was going to hook up w/ someone for some watersports. How's that for escalating? Wow. I had my last encounter w/ a guy last Tues. and I allowed him to masturbate me. That was definitely pushing the envelope again b/c ordinarily I never allow anyone to touch me. But each time I've acted w/ somebody it's gone further and further.
I told my wife and she was devastated and completely crushed (again!) to say the least. I realized I am going to lose her and our beautiful family unless something changed. I had to do something different this time. This led me to put together an "ABC Action List."
Here it is:
My name is XXX, I'm a sex addict and I deal w/ same sex lust.
Bottom Line Behaviors: Masturbation, Mutual Masturbation, Pornography, Voyeurism, Cruising, Auto-eroticism, Fantasy.
ABC Action List:
A. I will stay away from the park and any other place I know are cruising spots. I will not drive or bike the stretch of XXX Ave. between XXX and XXX.. I will always take an alternative route.
B. I will stay away from the park at the boat landing. I will never go there for any reason. Period.
C. I will not use public restrooms alone. I will take a kid or friend in w/ me.
D. Aside from going to work each day, I will not go places alone (errands, pop runs, etc). I will take a kid, wife, friend, etc. w/ me at all times.
E. I will say personal prayers AM & PM every day and whenever I feel weak or tempted. I will kneel down beside my bed each night.
F. I will be open, honest, and have full disclosure w/ my wife, my Bishop, and my sponsor. No dark secrets; no dark corners. I will live by the rule: "A clear conscience makes the softest pillow."
G. I will not use vulgar, crude language. If I need to discuss or write about something sexual, I will use the appropriate words and terms.
H. I will not view or read triggering media, entertainment, news, etc. I will avoid such articles, news stories, etc. and turn my head or shut my eyes if something is triggering on TV to me even if it is a commercial.
I. I will not go to the Craigslist website. Never.
J. I will not peruse Facebook profiles out of curiosity.
K. I will not have 'alternative' relationships/friendships or make contact w/ anyone living such a lifestyle. The only exception to this rule is XXX. Nor will I make or take calls, texts, or PMs from such individuals or have secret friendships or FB friends.
L. I will participate in therapy w/ a licensed counselor at least 2 x's/mo.
M. I will find a sponsor I trust and work my recovery steps w/ him.
N. I will attend my Wednesday night SA group every week and other groups when time and my schedule permits.
O. I will not indulge in lusting after others or in past experiences or fantasy.
P. I will only look at others from the waist up and will not engage in rubber necking (2nd look) while driving, biking or walking.
Q. I will fill out a Core Card every day.
R. I will not masturbate. I will not allow my wife to masturbate me. I will only engage in sexual relations w/ my wife when it is driven by both of us wanting it.
S. I will not fantasize whilst having sex w/ my wife.
T. I will not touch my genitals or genital area or any area that is sexually arousing to me. Exception: bathroom and tub/shower and only then is it minimal touching
U. I will periodically check in w/ my Bishop either via interview, phone call or text to keep him updated and to be accountable and honest.
V. I will always wear my garments even when I am working outside.
W. I will fast every Fast Sunday.
X. I will do 1 act of service for another person every day.
Y. I will be proactive in my recovery work but I won’t be overwhelmed. I will work it slow.
Z. I will keep the Sabbath Day holy by doing things or not doing things I know I shouldn’t do on the Sabbath Day in order to be worthy of the Spirit.