Friday, June 29, 2012

Shameful Secrets

I'm happy to report I'm on an upswing. I'm 2 1/2 weeks sober from masturbation and any addictive behaviors and I've seen a therapist twice now. During our first session I took her through my sexual history up through my senior year in High School. This past session we talked about everything since my senior year up until the present day. Some of the stuff is pretty intense and while my therapist is easy to talk to I do feel uncomfortable divulging some of my deepest, most shameful secrets. Something that was pointed out that really hit home was the following: "Secrets are the soil of addiction."

So, I thought maybe it would help to pen these shameful secrets down and get them out of my mind:
  • When I was 13 I held my penis up to the mouth of my baby boy cousin thinking maybe he would suck on it like a pacifier. I didn't force it in, I didn't touch or fondle him, and he never did suck it. It was just an impulse thing but I've never forgotten it.
  • When I was 13 I sucked on my dogs testicles.
  • Around the same time I remember sticking my finger in a female dog's vagina until she yelped.
  • In an empty church room, I prodded and then watched a girl finger herself in an empty church room.
  • At 15 I took a trip to Ft. Lauderdale, FL w/ my father. One day at the beach I found a used condom. I went to a restroom and put the used condom on and masturbated into it. This is a big secret I have never shared w/ anyone.
  • At 20 I had unprotected anal sex w/ a guy (he did me and I did him) and (I think) contracted genital warts...? I was so scared and disgusted. I remember seeing a couple of small bumps or warts on my penis and I scratched them off. I think I may even have had a couple on my anus as well, which I also scratched off. I've never seen anything since then anywhere and it's been 13 years, so I don't know if that's what they were or perhaps something else..
  • I have never had an STD or HIV test. Even when my wife and I were going to be married and it was advised by the marriage licensing dept. that we should do something like. How shitty is that of me? I'm planning to write more about that in another post.
  • In High School I wrote a boy some sexually perverse and vulgar letters telling him I wanted to do this, that, and the other w/ him or to him. I think I wrote 2 or 3. I told him to call me if he was interested (I put my cell # in the letter; how stupid was that!) The authorities were contacted, and I remember being called to the High School police officer's office and taking a handwriting test. I then had to meet w/ an attorney and go over everything I had done and then I met w/ the pros. attorney. During all of this I never told my parents what was going on. I was so scared. The pros. attorney threatened to send me to a correctional institution. In the end, I don't remember how that all got resolved, but somehow it did. I never had to go to court or go through legal proceedings or any of that. I honestly don't remember a lot of it; I think the trauma and fear I was feeling at the time helped me black a lot of it out. Because of all of that going on, I wasn't able to walk in my seminary graduation. I received my diploma a few weeks later in the mail.
  • I again wrote some letters (wouldn't you think I had learned my lesson?) to a guy in my class at Ricks College that fall. The Dean was notified and I was kicked out of Ricks College. That is one of the biggest regrets of my life.
  • I had my Real Estate license for a while and when I showed a house I snooped through the couples nightstand in their bedroom to look for sex toys, porn, lube, etc. (I used to do that a lot). One time I found a guy's masturbation tube/sleeve. I put it on and masturbated into it, then cleaned it out, dried it off and put it back.
  • Some of the other misc. secrets I haven't divulged to anyone b/c of shame and embarrasment: ejaculating/urinating in my own mouth; the hard core, raunchy porn I have viewed that arouses me; my fascination w/ sounding, water sports, and S&M-type behavior.
Keep in mind these are the deepest, darkest, most shaming secrets that I hold on to. In reality, my entire life has been nothing but a network of harboring dark secrets and lies, sneaking, hiding, deceiving, pretending, working in darkness and loving and wallowing in my carnal sins and wickedness. There are 100's upon 100's of instances when I have lied and covered up my actions or glazed over or not told the whole truth i.e. going to parks, bathhouses, streets, porn shops, bars, etc. Smoking, drinking, pot, etc. But the secrets that I have noted above are the most dark, the most shameful, and the ones that make me feel the most self hatred, guilt, and toxic shame. But it does feel better to finally get some of them out and write them down, even if it is only anonymously.


  1. Secrets, they contain heavy stuff don't they. I hope by your writing this post that these secrets have lost their power over you and you feel relief. Sexual stuff sure can take us places we never thought they would. Even the dog incident you mentioned; it probably makes you shudder now but back then it was something available and your mind took you there (putting this in brackets because I too did something to an animal, I'm letting the secret out here for the first time). Thank you for being so honest and know that for me, I understand where you have been, we are rising above it, Right! Cheering for you dear friend <3

  2. Thank you for your comments and for your support, Stan. I appreciate you being there. :)