Tuesday, July 31, 2012

While the Cat's Away...

I'm headed out of town this week to a convention for work. I used to really enjoy and look forward to these trips, but this time I am dreading it. I am currently 6 weeks sober from masturbation and overall, my recovery has been going really well. I don't want to fuck it all up now! Can I; WILL I remain strong and committed to recovery, my wife, my family, and myself?

My convention is in Los Angeles, which breeds (interesting choice of word, eh?)  a lot of enticing temptations for me. I have had numerous sexual escapades while staying in L.A. I know all the bathhouses, porn shops, video booths, cruising streets, parks, bathrooms, beaches and the places to go and look for just about anything. Oh how I wish I were like other guys in my SA group whose only worry when they go on business trips is maybe watching a titty flick on their hotel room TV and spanking it. I wish that were the case w/ me. Unfortunately I don't even THINK about minor things like that. My fantasies and temptations go much, much further and deeper.

Not only is it the sex addict/dark passenger inside of me that wants to come out and play, but I have the hosts of other addicts deep inside me that want to come out too...the smoker, the pot head, the clubber, the drinker, etc. Arg. We used to have to share a room w/ someone else on these trips, but not anymore. It's funny, but for most people they would be thankful to have their own space. But for me, I wish so bad I could have a roommate. I don't get into as much trouble when someone else is there. It is when I'm alone that things spin out of control fast.

This is my game plan:

A) Continue to pray, kneeling down, at LEAST 2 x's/day.
B) I WILL NOT go to the hotel pool, hot tub, sauna, or steam room.
C) I will not leave the hotel grounds by myself to walk on the beach, go to a restaurant, etc.
D) I have a guy friend I work w/ who knows all about me and my sex problems. I'm going to disclose to him my fears and apprehensions and tell him to keep an eye on me.
E) I have a cousin who lives in L.A. that I'm going to have come and stay w/ me in my room a couple of nights.
F) NO 2nd looks.
G) NO looking at guys from the waist down - EVER.
H) No innocent 'flirting' or cruising or seeking out those lust hits. If my gaydar goes off, turn the bitch off!
I) I have another friend of mine who is going to call/text me everyday at 3pm to check on me and bolster me up.
J) Of course, no Craigslist or any other triggering local websites to fuel my addict and pique my curiosity.

Please pray for me. I hope to give a good report on my trip next week. I know I have it deep down inside me to come off conqueror and keep my dark passenger at bay. I can DO THIS.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Clean Bill of Health

Yesterday I received the remainder of my STD test results and I'm again so incredibly happy and grateful to report that they were all negative. :)

Chlamydia ---> NEG
Gonorreah ---> NEG
Herpes ---> NEG
Hepatitis B & C ---> NEG
Syphilis ---> NEG

I think that was everything...

The nurse gave me a clean bill of health.

I'm so thankful to Heavenly Father for watching over me, protecting me, and keeping me safe through all the terribly wicked lifestyle choices I made in the past. I realize some people are not so lucky and my heart truly goes out to them. For me, this made me once again reevaluate where I'm at and how far I've come and recommit to myself and God that I will never again put myself in a situation that could put my health, future, family, and life in jeopardy.

Friday, July 13, 2012

Lack of Empathy

Last week in group therapy we talked about empathy. The reason why is b/c most sex addicts don't have it, or have forgetten how to show it b/c we're so out of touch w/ our emotions and self absorbed. It is very, very difficult for me, nay, almost impossible to have empathy for others, which makes me feel really shitty about myself.

When I hear a person's sob story (i.e. my mom died when I was little; I was sexually abused by an uncle growing up; I lost my job after 10 years and have a family to feed; I was in prison for 2 years; etc.) I listen intently to what they are saying, but for whatever reason I am completely emotionally unegaged and detached. It's weird. I let them know I'm here from them should they need someone and really try hard to be kind and loving and understanding and compassionate, yet I don't FEEL their pain, or emotions. It's almost as if a part of me is past feeling.

"Ye are swift to do iniquity but slow to remember the Lord your God. Ye have seen an angel, and he spake unto you; yea, ye have heard his voice from time to time; and he hath spoken unto you in a still small voice, but ye were past feeling, that ye could not feel his words; wherefore, he has spoken unto you like unto the voice of thunder, which did cause the earth to shake as if it were to divide asunder." 1 Nephi 17:45.

Sometimes I feel like such an empty, stonefaced monster. I feel as if I'm 'acting' when trying to show empathy, compassion, or understanding. It sucks. My hope is as I continue in my recovery and the more control I get over my dark passenger and my addiction and the more my brain, heart and spirit is able to heal, the more charitable, empathic and loving I will become.

Monday, July 2, 2012

Death of Fear

I mentioned in my 'Shameful Secrets' post last week that I would write more about my issues surrounding STD tests in the future. I'd like to write about it now.

To date, I have never had an STD test. Sure, I have had physicals and blood work done over the years, but I have never been specifically tested for HIV or any of the others.

During my past session I told my therapist I had been sexual w/ over a hundred people, mostly men, and that I had had some sort of intercourse w/ over 70 of them. Sometimes I was safe and sometimes I wasn't. Even though I have not had any oral, anal, or vaginal sex w/ anyone besides my wife since being married (over 8 years now), my therapist still suggested I go and have the full gamut of STD tests done for a) peace of mind b) obligation for the health of my wife and myself  c) to prove personal strength and courage and my ability to overcome and conquer my fears d) necessary step on my road to recovery.

I commited to her I would go and have the tests performed before we met again. I made an appointment w/ the health department directly after our session as I sat in my car.

My appointment was this morning, and while I was partially at peace knowing all would be well, I still had so much fear and apprehension. But, I faced one of my longest, deepest, and strongest fears head on this morning and went in for my tests.

I am happy to report my HIV test came back negative but I won't know the status of the other STD test results (Hepatitis, Gonorreah, Syphylis, etc) for another 2 weeks. Still, I feel immensely relieved, blessed and proud that I was finally able to conquer this 15 year old fear of mine.

2 things this experience taught me:

1) I will never put myself in a situation that will lead me to fear in this manner again. Never! This translates to: I will never have any kind of sex w/ anyone except my wife.
2) When I do the things I fear, then the death of fear is certain (Ralph Waldo Emerson). I attest to this fact.