Last week in group therapy we talked about empathy. The reason why is b/c most sex addicts don't have it, or have forgetten how to show it b/c we're so out of touch w/ our emotions and self absorbed. It is very, very difficult for me, nay, almost impossible to have empathy for others, which makes me feel really shitty about myself.
When I hear a person's sob story (i.e. my mom died when I was little; I was sexually abused by an uncle growing up; I lost my job after 10 years and have a family to feed; I was in prison for 2 years; etc.) I listen intently to what they are saying, but for whatever reason I am completely emotionally unegaged and detached. It's weird. I let them know I'm here from them should they need someone and really try hard to be kind and loving and understanding and compassionate, yet I don't FEEL their pain, or emotions. It's almost as if a part of me is past feeling.
"Ye are swift to do iniquity but slow to remember the Lord your God. Ye have seen an angel, and he spake unto you; yea, ye have heard his voice from time to time; and he hath spoken unto you in a still small voice, but ye were past feeling, that ye could not feel his words; wherefore, he has spoken unto you like unto the voice of thunder, which did cause the earth to shake as if it were to divide asunder." 1 Nephi 17:45.
Sometimes I feel like such an empty, stonefaced monster. I feel as if I'm 'acting' when trying to show empathy, compassion, or understanding. It sucks. My hope is as I continue in my recovery and the more control I get over my dark passenger and my addiction and the more my brain, heart and spirit is able to heal, the more charitable, empathic and loving I will become.