I'm headed out of town this week to a convention for work. I used to really enjoy and look forward to these trips, but this time I am dreading it. I am currently 6 weeks sober from masturbation and overall, my recovery has been going really well. I don't want to fuck it all up now! Can I; WILL I remain strong and committed to recovery, my wife, my family, and myself?
My convention is in Los Angeles, which breeds (interesting choice of word, eh?) a lot of enticing temptations for me. I have had numerous sexual escapades while staying in L.A. I know all the bathhouses, porn shops, video booths, cruising streets, parks, bathrooms, beaches and the places to go and look for just about anything. Oh how I wish I were like other guys in my SA group whose only worry when they go on business trips is maybe watching a titty flick on their hotel room TV and spanking it. I wish that were the case w/ me. Unfortunately I don't even THINK about minor things like that. My fantasies and temptations go much, much further and deeper.
Not only is it the sex addict/dark passenger inside of me that wants to come out and play, but I have the hosts of other addicts deep inside me that want to come out too...the smoker, the pot head, the clubber, the drinker, etc. Arg. We used to have to share a room w/ someone else on these trips, but not anymore. It's funny, but for most people they would be thankful to have their own space. But for me, I wish so bad I could have a roommate. I don't get into as much trouble when someone else is there. It is when I'm alone that things spin out of control fast.
This is my game plan:
A) Continue to pray, kneeling down, at LEAST 2 x's/day.
B) I WILL NOT go to the hotel pool, hot tub, sauna, or steam room.
C) I will not leave the hotel grounds by myself to walk on the beach, go to a restaurant, etc.
D) I have a guy friend I work w/ who knows all about me and my sex problems. I'm going to disclose to him my fears and apprehensions and tell him to keep an eye on me.
E) I have a cousin who lives in L.A. that I'm going to have come and stay w/ me in my room a couple of nights.
F) NO 2nd looks.
G) NO looking at guys from the waist down - EVER.
H) No innocent 'flirting' or cruising or seeking out those lust hits. If my gaydar goes off, turn the bitch off!
I) I have another friend of mine who is going to call/text me everyday at 3pm to check on me and bolster me up.
J) Of course, no Craigslist or any other triggering local websites to fuel my addict and pique my curiosity.
Please pray for me. I hope to give a good report on my trip next week. I know I have it deep down inside me to come off conqueror and keep my dark passenger at bay. I can DO THIS.