Thursday, September 27, 2012

Cycle of the Werewolf

Well, I've completed a full addiction cyle. I screwed up, I felt remorseful, I put together my ABC list and have been doing pretty good at keeping myself crossed and I'm almost 4 months sober. Yet, I know I'm coming around again in my cycle b/c lately I've been feeling that all-too-familiar "tickle" in my guts.

The reason being (and I know it!): I have been getting lazy and complacent in some small, yet important aspects in my recovery. I haven't done anything really bad, but have definitely been letting myself slip into the yellow zone a lot:

--> Surfing FB profiles and piqueing my curiosity.
--> Reading 'triggering' media (articles about sex abuse, hazing rituals, etc).
--> Last night while having sex w/ my wife I fantasized about a new guy in my SA group. I don't fantasize myself doing anything w/ them, but I fantasize/imagine them engaging in sexual acts w/ others (sometimes male, sometimes female). Therefore I am not mentally or emotionally present while having sex w/ my wife.
--> I've been remembering past experiences and thinking about past relationships, sexual interludes, etc. I've been tempted to see what some of my past hook ups are up to these days.
--> I have been allowing myself to rubberneck a little bit at joggers and bikers while driving in my car.
--> I have been checking out guys below the waist (this is one of the worst and very triggering for me). This happens pretty frequently at work, group, church, etc. and I have a hard time shaking the images.
--> I have slacked in my support phone calls to my sponsor and other group members.
--> I haven't been as diligent in saying my morning prayers. I must pray at least 2 x's/day.
--> My conversations and language has been much more crass, vulgar, and unappropriate and highly, sexually charged.

There are a few more, but I thought these are the most noteworthy.
In conclusion, when it comes to my recovery, I must be more diligent and stringent. It really is a matter of life or death.
My DP is lurking in the shadows and is just waiting for the right opportunity to take control of the wheel again. :S

Monday, September 17, 2012

One Small Step, Yet Giant Leap in Recovery

One of my bottom line behaviors is masturbation - whether I do it alone, w/ someone else (mutual masturbation outside of my marriage), or even if my wife does it for me.

The reason I can't have my wife masturbate me is b/c while she is doing it I let my thoughts, fantasies, and memories run wild. Usually I think back on past porn I've watched or places I've been and experiences I've had. She knows it's against my ABCs and therefore we do not participate in it.

Yet, the other night I was really, really horny and my wife was at the height of her period :P She said we could still do it but I really didn't want to smear blood from hell to breakfast. So I asked her if she would just service me. She said, "I thought you weren't supposed to do that?" I said I would be ok. And it's funny, but even before we started I knew I would be.

The whole time she was doing it from beginning to end my thoughts did not wander even once. Rather than fantasizing or remembering past porn/acting out incidents and playing then over in my lustful mind as I geared up for climax, I instead focused on the sensations and really tried to make it be a 'mindful experience.' It was the first time (ever!?) I had a masturbatory experience and did not resort to fantasy or memories to get myself off. I felt really, really good (no pun intended) afterwards; not only b/c I had had a healthy, physical release, but b/c I had done it the right way and truly did have a mindful masturbatory experience.

I'm not goint to make this a regular occurance, but it really showed me that despite being only 3 months sober, I have really made some big strides in recovery!

Thursday, September 13, 2012

What To Do?!

I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and hard place...

Yesterday I celebrated my 3 month anniversary of sobriety (no masturbation, no cruising, no pornography, no voyeurism, etc). I have really grown a lot in the past 3 months and I feel like I am in a really good place and I have done it the RIGHT way (not just white knuckling it).

My 3 month sobriety anniversary also marks 3 months since I had a sexual encounter w/ another male. You can read about these encounters in some of my past blog posts. I got together w/ this guy several times on different occassions. The first couple of times I just watched him have (unprotected) sex w/ another guy and would masturbate while watching them, but would not touch them nor allow myself to be touched. But then he and I started getting together one on one alone and would hug and hold one another (naked) and masturbate together while laying w/ one another. No sexual intercourse (oral, anal, etc) ever happened, but the last time we got together he actually jacked me off and then ate my semen off my stomach after I ejaculated. This was my rock bottom/wake up call. I had crossed the line! I knew I had escalated in my addiction BIG TIME.

Aside from the sexual encounters, he and I also shared a lot w/ one another through text or talking. I told him I was married and had children and loved them more than anything and that I had a problem/addiction and was seeking recovery. I told him I did not want to do this w/ him ever again. He told me he knew he had a problem as well and wished he could control it. He told me he was married and that his wife did not know that A) he was cheating on her; and B) that it was w/ men.

Once when he gave me ride back to my car I saw his wife's student ID card w/ her full name. When I got back to work I decided to search for her on facebook and I found her profile and also his. I saw her, him, their beautiful family, wedding and vacation photos, etc. Since that day to this I have not been able to get her and his family out of my mind.

I feel like I am carrying a tremendous load b/c I have the sure knowledge that this girl's husband is frequently cheating on her by having anonymous sex w/ men. Add to this he is the receiving end of the sex and he is doing it unsafe/bareback. No condoms. He also has his phone number written on the bathroom stall looking for sex. This is the type of guy he is. Yet his wife has no idea this is happening! He could be putting her life in danger if they are sexually active together. Do you see my dilemma?

I asked him on several occasions if he had told his wife about his sexuality or addiciton or any of that and he said no, that it's not the right time. I firmly believe it is not my place to 'out' him to his wife/family. That is an individual's God-given right to do that themselves. Yet I worry about her and her beautiful family and what could happen to her/them. How could he do this to her!? I have talked to my Sponsor, wife, friends, and group members about this situtation and most of them say it's none of my business and to stay far away from it. I need to forget about it and move on. I wonder if I would be feeling this way if I had never SEEN her picture or pictures of his family. If I only had the knowledge that he is married, but kept everything else a mystery, would I feel this weight and this guilt? I know I have the right intentions; I do not have feelings of spitefulness or revenge or jealousy or any of that bullshit. I recognize it is me in my good place seeing the situation for what it was/is. I know that despite his addiction he is a good guy that appears to love his family and that he and his wife were (are?) happy. But I hate that he is doing this to her!

However, I am no better b/c I did the same thing to my wife and family. Isn't it interesting how as addicts we can't do some of the littlest things (i.e. calling someone on the phone, getting up in front of a crowd, going to group, etc). yet we can frivolously throw our lives, family, security, employment, reputation, freedom, safety, etc to the wind for a quick fix? 

It's sad how we don't realize how truly fucked up we are until we get into recovery and start to clear away the wreckage and devastation we have caused in our lives through our addiciton. Only then can we see just how clouded and gray and messed up our brains are.

I guess the only thing I can do for this guy and his family at this time is to pray for them and have the faith that somehow, someday the truth will set them all free. I just hope nothing happens in the meantime. Yet if it does and I should some day find out, will I feel that I am partially responsible?