Thursday, September 27, 2012

Cycle of the Werewolf

Well, I've completed a full addiction cyle. I screwed up, I felt remorseful, I put together my ABC list and have been doing pretty good at keeping myself crossed and I'm almost 4 months sober. Yet, I know I'm coming around again in my cycle b/c lately I've been feeling that all-too-familiar "tickle" in my guts.

The reason being (and I know it!): I have been getting lazy and complacent in some small, yet important aspects in my recovery. I haven't done anything really bad, but have definitely been letting myself slip into the yellow zone a lot:

--> Surfing FB profiles and piqueing my curiosity.
--> Reading 'triggering' media (articles about sex abuse, hazing rituals, etc).
--> Last night while having sex w/ my wife I fantasized about a new guy in my SA group. I don't fantasize myself doing anything w/ them, but I fantasize/imagine them engaging in sexual acts w/ others (sometimes male, sometimes female). Therefore I am not mentally or emotionally present while having sex w/ my wife.
--> I've been remembering past experiences and thinking about past relationships, sexual interludes, etc. I've been tempted to see what some of my past hook ups are up to these days.
--> I have been allowing myself to rubberneck a little bit at joggers and bikers while driving in my car.
--> I have been checking out guys below the waist (this is one of the worst and very triggering for me). This happens pretty frequently at work, group, church, etc. and I have a hard time shaking the images.
--> I have slacked in my support phone calls to my sponsor and other group members.
--> I haven't been as diligent in saying my morning prayers. I must pray at least 2 x's/day.
--> My conversations and language has been much more crass, vulgar, and unappropriate and highly, sexually charged.

There are a few more, but I thought these are the most noteworthy.
In conclusion, when it comes to my recovery, I must be more diligent and stringent. It really is a matter of life or death.
My DP is lurking in the shadows and is just waiting for the right opportunity to take control of the wheel again. :S

1 comment:

  1. I understand all to well the cycle. We can do this!