Monday, September 17, 2012

One Small Step, Yet Giant Leap in Recovery

One of my bottom line behaviors is masturbation - whether I do it alone, w/ someone else (mutual masturbation outside of my marriage), or even if my wife does it for me.

The reason I can't have my wife masturbate me is b/c while she is doing it I let my thoughts, fantasies, and memories run wild. Usually I think back on past porn I've watched or places I've been and experiences I've had. She knows it's against my ABCs and therefore we do not participate in it.

Yet, the other night I was really, really horny and my wife was at the height of her period :P She said we could still do it but I really didn't want to smear blood from hell to breakfast. So I asked her if she would just service me. She said, "I thought you weren't supposed to do that?" I said I would be ok. And it's funny, but even before we started I knew I would be.

The whole time she was doing it from beginning to end my thoughts did not wander even once. Rather than fantasizing or remembering past porn/acting out incidents and playing then over in my lustful mind as I geared up for climax, I instead focused on the sensations and really tried to make it be a 'mindful experience.' It was the first time (ever!?) I had a masturbatory experience and did not resort to fantasy or memories to get myself off. I felt really, really good (no pun intended) afterwards; not only b/c I had had a healthy, physical release, but b/c I had done it the right way and truly did have a mindful masturbatory experience.

I'm not goint to make this a regular occurance, but it really showed me that despite being only 3 months sober, I have really made some big strides in recovery!

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