Thursday, September 13, 2012

What To Do?!

I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and hard place...

Yesterday I celebrated my 3 month anniversary of sobriety (no masturbation, no cruising, no pornography, no voyeurism, etc). I have really grown a lot in the past 3 months and I feel like I am in a really good place and I have done it the RIGHT way (not just white knuckling it).

My 3 month sobriety anniversary also marks 3 months since I had a sexual encounter w/ another male. You can read about these encounters in some of my past blog posts. I got together w/ this guy several times on different occassions. The first couple of times I just watched him have (unprotected) sex w/ another guy and would masturbate while watching them, but would not touch them nor allow myself to be touched. But then he and I started getting together one on one alone and would hug and hold one another (naked) and masturbate together while laying w/ one another. No sexual intercourse (oral, anal, etc) ever happened, but the last time we got together he actually jacked me off and then ate my semen off my stomach after I ejaculated. This was my rock bottom/wake up call. I had crossed the line! I knew I had escalated in my addiction BIG TIME.

Aside from the sexual encounters, he and I also shared a lot w/ one another through text or talking. I told him I was married and had children and loved them more than anything and that I had a problem/addiction and was seeking recovery. I told him I did not want to do this w/ him ever again. He told me he knew he had a problem as well and wished he could control it. He told me he was married and that his wife did not know that A) he was cheating on her; and B) that it was w/ men.

Once when he gave me ride back to my car I saw his wife's student ID card w/ her full name. When I got back to work I decided to search for her on facebook and I found her profile and also his. I saw her, him, their beautiful family, wedding and vacation photos, etc. Since that day to this I have not been able to get her and his family out of my mind.

I feel like I am carrying a tremendous load b/c I have the sure knowledge that this girl's husband is frequently cheating on her by having anonymous sex w/ men. Add to this he is the receiving end of the sex and he is doing it unsafe/bareback. No condoms. He also has his phone number written on the bathroom stall looking for sex. This is the type of guy he is. Yet his wife has no idea this is happening! He could be putting her life in danger if they are sexually active together. Do you see my dilemma?

I asked him on several occasions if he had told his wife about his sexuality or addiciton or any of that and he said no, that it's not the right time. I firmly believe it is not my place to 'out' him to his wife/family. That is an individual's God-given right to do that themselves. Yet I worry about her and her beautiful family and what could happen to her/them. How could he do this to her!? I have talked to my Sponsor, wife, friends, and group members about this situtation and most of them say it's none of my business and to stay far away from it. I need to forget about it and move on. I wonder if I would be feeling this way if I had never SEEN her picture or pictures of his family. If I only had the knowledge that he is married, but kept everything else a mystery, would I feel this weight and this guilt? I know I have the right intentions; I do not have feelings of spitefulness or revenge or jealousy or any of that bullshit. I recognize it is me in my good place seeing the situation for what it was/is. I know that despite his addiction he is a good guy that appears to love his family and that he and his wife were (are?) happy. But I hate that he is doing this to her!

However, I am no better b/c I did the same thing to my wife and family. Isn't it interesting how as addicts we can't do some of the littlest things (i.e. calling someone on the phone, getting up in front of a crowd, going to group, etc). yet we can frivolously throw our lives, family, security, employment, reputation, freedom, safety, etc to the wind for a quick fix? 

It's sad how we don't realize how truly fucked up we are until we get into recovery and start to clear away the wreckage and devastation we have caused in our lives through our addiciton. Only then can we see just how clouded and gray and messed up our brains are.

I guess the only thing I can do for this guy and his family at this time is to pray for them and have the faith that somehow, someday the truth will set them all free. I just hope nothing happens in the meantime. Yet if it does and I should some day find out, will I feel that I am partially responsible?

2 comments:

  1. Neat to see the Time Sober counter you have here on your blog. I was doing well until yesterday, sometimes weekends when off work is my hardest time to resist temptation. I know that Porn is as bad as anything else but sometimes I guess because it is so accessible it seems easier to run to. I like your post a lot, we do need things that put things in perspective and your finding out about this guy certainly would be one of those things. SSA can surely at times cause us to do things without thinking, I know I have and it scared me for a long time as I was so unsafe as that guy was. That is in the past, thank God. Pressing on here. Cheering for you, stay strong.

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  2. Hi Stan. It's good to hear from you. So glad you're still along w/ me on this crazy roller coaster ride! Keep pressing on and cheering for you as well. :)

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