Thursday, October 18, 2012

Intimidation

Last night at SA group there were 3 new guys; all completely toned with nice bodies; obviously straight, and of course they were the macho, football-jock type. My usual "safe place" immediately became a hostile environment for my psyche.

Ordinarily my SA group is a positive place for me to be. It helps me feel those feelings of acceptance and belonging I so desperately desire in my life. Rather than me feeling like I'm ostracized and don't fit in or am not one of the boys, I am able to have a lot of good, healthy, non-sexual connections and interactions.

Yet when a guy I don't know and that to me "epitomizes" masculinity, I feel extremely uneasy, intimidated, and usually get really quiet and tense. I feel like every move I make, every word I say, etc. is being scrutinized and judged by these new, butch boys and that they see me as all the other assholes back in Jr. High and High School saw me: as a femmy, cock-sucking faggot.

It is only until I get to know them better and develop a relationship/friendship w/ them that I can begin to relax and act like my old self. When I'm comfortable in a group I am in and feel that sense of trust and connection w/ the men, I'm actually really fun, open, laid back, and bring a good spirit to the room. But the moment I feel threatened or intimidated by a macho guy...oh boy....it's a recipe for disaster: mentally, emotionally, and sexually.

I love the picture I have included below b/c I thought it really represents how I feel among guys sometimes:

A) It is me all alone on the opposite side, obviously not belonging or fitting in.
B) I am different from the others.
C) There are more of them than me.
D) They are powerful and strong and intimidate.

Monday, October 15, 2012

Vasectomy

I had a vasectomy last Friday. The decision to have it and the eventual procedure has been a long time coming. I want to write about my experience.

When my wife and I found out we were (unexpectedly) pregnant w/ our 4th baby I knew then that was it and that I wanted to get myself fixed. But I decided to wait until after my wife had the baby.

After the baby was born, I made an appointment and had a consultation w/ a Urologist here in town. Needless to say, I was NOT impressed w/ this dude at all. As a sex addict, I had some genuine concerns. Primarily, I wanted to know what happens to the sperm after the vas has been cut. Does it just sit in my balls and slowly soak back into my system and fuck up my hormone level and make me even crazier than before? When I tried asking him this question (in a round about way, of course) he looked at me like I was stupid. I couldn't get out of that office fast enough. I cancelled the procedure and my wife and I decided we would hold off and give it a few years until we made things final.

Last spring I had a good, long talk w/ a dear friend of mine that really made me look at things in a new light. Our talk helped me realize that I don't want to have to go through life deciding what's best for the masses (all our children) rather than what's best for each individual child. I want to be there emotionally, mentally, and physically for each of my kids and to provide for them the best I can in every way possible. I knew that if we were to throw one more kid into the midst that we would be spreading ourselves really thin and quite possibly pass the breaking point. Plus, my wife and I have our own distinct, individual problems (my SSA and sex addiction; her scars from childhood and adolescence that has left her mentally/emotionally fragile). We both agreed that this was going to be our family here on earth and that we would focus on them and love them as much as we could. We both believe that after this life we will have the opportunity to parent more chidren. But for now, this is it.

The new Urologist I met w/ was very nice; completely opposite from the last asswad I met w/. I was a little nervous when he asked me to drop my pants so he could check me for testicular cancer and show me where he was going to make the incision. I have to admit I did start to get a stiffy. (Gulp!) But he told me he was done and I could pull up my pants just in the nick of time. Whew! HAHA

Last Thursday night my wife and I had some good sex and then the morning of my procedure we would have done it again, but we were rushing around too much. I decided to jump in the shower 1/2 hour before my appointment to make sure my junk was clean and fresh. I also wanted to masturbate one last time (of thousands) for my sperm's sake. Poor boys. Stupid rationale, I know, but it happened nonetheless. There was no fantasizing or any of that going on. It was just masturbation, plain and simple.

The procedure went well and despite having a slight tenderness on the sides of my testicles, that's pretty much it.

Now, this is where things get bad. :( My balls are shaved and since they are slightly swollen it has been a big turn on for me. I have been getting a lot of huge erections. I got in the tub to soak on Saturday afternoon (the day after my surgery) and really wanted to masturbate then. But the Urologist said to wait 7-10 days (why???). I was able to make it through Saturday, barely! but then yesterday I was again exceptionally horny all day. I tubbed again and was again totally turned on by the feel and look of myself, despite the tenderness. And actually, pain can be somewhat of a turn on for me too, especially in my balls when my wife squeezes them or pulls on them, so that has made the current situation that much more unbearable.

My addict took over and I couldn't think of anything else yesterday besides masturbating. I researched on the web what ejaculation is like after a vasectomy, how long I should wait, etc. and decided I couldn't wait any longer. I went upstairs alone and did my deed. Again, plain and simple masturbation. I did not fantasize or lust.

Everything was pretty much the same as it was before my vasectomy. There was no pain. No blood. My balls and the incision site did swell up a little bit afterwards, but that was it. I'm going to call my Urologist today and ask him if it was a bad thing that I didn't wait the 7-10 days.

Well reader, I hope you're not too disappointed in me. I actually feel ok about it all. I was able to make it 4 months w/o masturbating w/ is a HUGE thing for me. I'm not looking at it like I'm a failure or any of that. I just chalk it up to the circumstances surrounding all this w/ my junk lately that contributed to me falling off the wagon. Anyhow, I've reset my sobriety date and I'm ready to get back on the horse and continue forward.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

On the Verge

Today, is NOT a good day.

In the past 4 months, I have never wanted so much as to cruise and find someone to act out w/ as I do today, right now. I want to masturbate over and over again until my dick aches. I want to get appallingly freaky w/ myself. I want to surf the most dirty, raunchy porn I can find. I want to video chat or sext w/ someone. I want to surf craigslist ads until my brain is numb and my drool is pooling on my computer keyboard. I want to hide and sneak and and lie and go somewhere far away from everybody. I want to smoke cigarettes until my lungs hurt and I faint from the nicotine buzz. I want to drink a 1/5 of hard liquor until I feel buzzy and spinny and am totally zoned out. I want to find some potheads to maybe smoke a bong w/ and mess around w/ eachother while we're high.

I want to feel dirty and carnal and be consumed with my lust.

I feel like screaming! I feel so much anger, so much disgust, so much fear, so much worthlessness and yet I have absolutely NO desire to reach out for help. No desire to answer anybody's calls. No desire to kneel down and say a prayer and surrender these feelings to God.

In fact, I'm wallowing in them today like a pig in shit.

I have the shakes, my stomach is full of butterflies, I feel light headed and dizzy, I am shivering and cold, my teeth are chattering, my dick is throbbing and sensitive to the touch, I'm having a hard time concentrating and focusing, my throat keeps tightening and I have to keep swallowing to keep my gorge down. What is this?

Holy shit, it sincerely feels like a wild animal is inside me and wants out. It is almost unbearable...