Last night at SA group there were 3 new guys; all completely toned with nice bodies; obviously straight, and of course they were the macho, football-jock type. My usual "safe place" immediately became a hostile environment for my psyche.
Ordinarily my SA group is a positive place for me to be. It helps me feel those feelings of acceptance and belonging I so desperately desire in my life. Rather than me feeling like I'm ostracized and don't fit in or am not one of the boys, I am able to have a lot of good, healthy, non-sexual connections and interactions.
Yet when a guy I don't know and that to me "epitomizes" masculinity, I feel extremely uneasy, intimidated, and usually get really quiet and tense. I feel like every move I make, every word I say, etc. is being scrutinized and judged by these new, butch boys and that they see me as all the other assholes back in Jr. High and High School saw me: as a femmy, cock-sucking faggot.
It is only until I get to know them better and develop a relationship/friendship w/ them that I can begin to relax and act like my old self. When I'm comfortable in a group I am in and feel that sense of trust and connection w/ the men, I'm actually really fun, open, laid back, and bring a good spirit to the room. But the moment I feel threatened or intimidated by a macho guy...oh boy....it's a recipe for disaster: mentally, emotionally, and sexually.
I love the picture I have included below b/c I thought it really represents how I feel among guys sometimes:
A) It is me all alone on the opposite side, obviously not belonging or fitting in.
B) I am different from the others.
C) There are more of them than me.
D) They are powerful and strong and intimidate.