Today, is NOT a good day.
In the past 4 months, I have never wanted so much as to cruise and find someone to act out w/ as I do today, right now. I want to masturbate over and over again until my dick aches. I want to get appallingly freaky w/ myself. I want to surf the most dirty, raunchy porn I can find. I want to video chat or sext w/ someone. I want to surf craigslist ads until my brain is numb and my drool is pooling on my computer keyboard. I want to hide and sneak and and lie and go somewhere far away from everybody. I want to smoke cigarettes until my lungs hurt and I faint from the nicotine buzz. I want to drink a 1/5 of hard liquor until I feel buzzy and spinny and am totally zoned out. I want to find some potheads to maybe smoke a bong w/ and mess around w/ eachother while we're high.
I want to feel dirty and carnal and be consumed with my lust.
I feel like screaming! I feel so much anger, so much disgust, so much fear, so much worthlessness and yet I have absolutely NO desire to reach out for help. No desire to answer anybody's calls. No desire to kneel down and say a prayer and surrender these feelings to God.
In fact, I'm wallowing in them today like a pig in shit.
I have the shakes, my stomach is full of butterflies, I feel light headed and dizzy, I am shivering and cold, my teeth are chattering, my dick is throbbing and sensitive to the touch, I'm having a hard time concentrating and focusing, my throat keeps tightening and I have to keep swallowing to keep my gorge down. What is this?
Holy shit, it sincerely feels like a wild animal is inside me and wants out. It is almost unbearable...