Friday, November 16, 2012

Preventative Measures

One of my biggest weaknesses and something that has been the biggest detriment to my recovery and has been leading to my downward spiral this past month is surfing Craigslist personal ads while at work. When I begin surfing these ads, I can count on the whole rest of my day going to pot and me acting out sometime later.

I have not ever posted an ad but I have sure have responded to a large share of them. Not to mention the risk I take when I look at the ads that have pictures posted w/ them while I'm at work. Sometimes these are really raunchy pictures. :P

I have come as close as one can to actually hooking up w/ one of these guys. Thankfully I have had someone watching over me which has aided in keeping me "safe" b/c every time I try to hook up w/ one of them something gets in my way.

I have responded to ads looking for everything from mutual jo & watching porn to hardcore sounding, fisting, pissing, and group S&M action. I like to think that if and when I had actually been in the situation I woulnd't have participated in any of the activities, except watching and jacking off; but who knows for sure!?

What's sick is I have used an email address to respond to these ads that is the same username as my FB account! So if any of these guys had any brains they could easily do a google search of my email username/handle and it would have brought up my full identity and picture. How scary is that!?
Anyhow, I have an IT friend at work that knows about me and my addiction. Desperate, I went to him and asked if it is possible to put a block on my computer of any and all "Craigslist" websites so that I cannot go to any of those websites no matter what. He placed a block on my computer yesterday and I am optimistic that it will help keep me sober and more focused at work going forward. Plus, he was able to fix it so I can't even weasel my way around to the website some other way. I am thankful for him and for his compassion and his understanding and that I am able to trust him w/ these sad issues of mine. It's nice to have somebody I can rely on at work to help me in my recovery and that sincerely wants to help me succeed in overcoming my DP.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Spinning my Wheels

Man, ever since I fell off the wagon a month ago it sure feels like I've been spinning my wheels. I just can't seem to get a grip. My eating/weight/etc (which is a HUGE trigger for me) has really gone to pot. Ordinarily by now when I've had enough of my pants getting tighter and feeling like shit about myself I'll get a grip and put myself on some stringent diet or something. But lately it seems like I just can't get control. :P

Then there's my DP. True, I haven't acted out, surfed porn, cruised, etc. for almost a week now but it's not as if I haven't wanted to. He's bubbling under the surface just waiting to rear his ugly head when I've had too bad of a day, or when finances are a little too tight, or when my self esteem (due to my weight gain) is a little too low, yada yada.

I wish I could say I was solid in my recovery, but I can't. Yes, I want to be healthy. No, I don't want to live a life of shallow fuckery and lose everything I hold dear. But there is a big differenc between abstinence and being sober. And lately it seems like I am anything BUT sober.

Monday, November 5, 2012

Spinning & Losing Control

I am again spinning out of control in my addiction. The scary thing is I have no idea where it's all coming from and I feel too weak to fight it. I'm so scared.

Last Thursday my DP took control first thing in the morning and my whole day just went to shit after that. I began by surfing Craigslist ads. And of course there was a posting for exactly what I've been looking for: hard core sounding. Plus fisting, which intrigues me. Not that I would ever do it w/ somebody but I'd sure as shit love to watch it in person.

So this guy and I emailed back and forth all day and he sends me pics of him sounding and being fisted and the different sounding tools he's got. I got so fucking turned on and would have met up w/ him in a heartbeat that day; hell, I would've even paid for a hotel. But he couldn't meet until Fri or Sat. and (of course) I couldn't wait...I wanted it now! But his pictures had me going so bad that I actually responded to a bunch of other CL ads looking for a hook up. One of the guys invited me to his hotel room to suck me off. I knew I wouldn't let him touch me; I planned on just meeting him to jack off together. I went to the hotel and actually went inside and walked around the halls and sent him an email I was there. I couldn't stop!

Then, right at the last minute I freaked out (nervous about the situation) and bee-lined it out of there. I parked across the street and got a pop and tried to think things thru. Right then I got a call from a friend in group and we talked things out and I suddenly had a wave of sorrow and disgusting self-realization sweep over me about what the fuck I was doing. I sobbed and sobbed and drove straight home and told my wife about everything. She read my emails and saw the pictures and while I was embarrassed and disgusted w/ myself (being being back in a sane state of mind finally) she was understanding and loving and forgiving, as always.

I am truly blessed to have her in my life and for our beautiful family and am sick to think how fast I put them 2nd over this fucking addiction.

After all that, the weekend was really good but I have to admit thoughts about the sounding guy were in the back of my mind.

This morning when I got to work I immediately jumped back on CL and started surfing ads. I decided to send him an email to see if he was still around and it turns out he is local (of course) and could get together tomorrow. So now I'm faced w/ all that fuckin' temptation again. Do I or don't I? Do I a little bit or not at all and live w/ the "what if?"

All of this right on the heels of a beautiful weekend I spent w/ my family! Not to mention I was just set apart as the Primary Pianist in my ward. My stomach is in knots and holy shit, I'm sliding down fast and I can't stop. My curiosity and dark passenger has complete control of me. Each time I think of everything I have and all that I could lose it floats  out of my mind and I begin thinking about those hot, hardcore sounding/fisting pics.

I'm so fucked in life.
God, give me strength.