Monday, November 5, 2012

Spinning & Losing Control

I am again spinning out of control in my addiction. The scary thing is I have no idea where it's all coming from and I feel too weak to fight it. I'm so scared.

Last Thursday my DP took control first thing in the morning and my whole day just went to shit after that. I began by surfing Craigslist ads. And of course there was a posting for exactly what I've been looking for: hard core sounding. Plus fisting, which intrigues me. Not that I would ever do it w/ somebody but I'd sure as shit love to watch it in person.

So this guy and I emailed back and forth all day and he sends me pics of him sounding and being fisted and the different sounding tools he's got. I got so fucking turned on and would have met up w/ him in a heartbeat that day; hell, I would've even paid for a hotel. But he couldn't meet until Fri or Sat. and (of course) I couldn't wait...I wanted it now! But his pictures had me going so bad that I actually responded to a bunch of other CL ads looking for a hook up. One of the guys invited me to his hotel room to suck me off. I knew I wouldn't let him touch me; I planned on just meeting him to jack off together. I went to the hotel and actually went inside and walked around the halls and sent him an email I was there. I couldn't stop!

Then, right at the last minute I freaked out (nervous about the situation) and bee-lined it out of there. I parked across the street and got a pop and tried to think things thru. Right then I got a call from a friend in group and we talked things out and I suddenly had a wave of sorrow and disgusting self-realization sweep over me about what the fuck I was doing. I sobbed and sobbed and drove straight home and told my wife about everything. She read my emails and saw the pictures and while I was embarrassed and disgusted w/ myself (being being back in a sane state of mind finally) she was understanding and loving and forgiving, as always.

I am truly blessed to have her in my life and for our beautiful family and am sick to think how fast I put them 2nd over this fucking addiction.

After all that, the weekend was really good but I have to admit thoughts about the sounding guy were in the back of my mind.

This morning when I got to work I immediately jumped back on CL and started surfing ads. I decided to send him an email to see if he was still around and it turns out he is local (of course) and could get together tomorrow. So now I'm faced w/ all that fuckin' temptation again. Do I or don't I? Do I a little bit or not at all and live w/ the "what if?"

All of this right on the heels of a beautiful weekend I spent w/ my family! Not to mention I was just set apart as the Primary Pianist in my ward. My stomach is in knots and holy shit, I'm sliding down fast and I can't stop. My curiosity and dark passenger has complete control of me. Each time I think of everything I have and all that I could lose it floats  out of my mind and I begin thinking about those hot, hardcore sounding/fisting pics.

I'm so fucked in life.
God, give me strength.

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