Man, ever since I fell off the wagon a month ago it sure feels like I've been spinning my wheels. I just can't seem to get a grip. My eating/weight/etc (which is a HUGE trigger for me) has really gone to pot. Ordinarily by now when I've had enough of my pants getting tighter and feeling like shit about myself I'll get a grip and put myself on some stringent diet or something. But lately it seems like I just can't get control. :P
Then there's my DP. True, I haven't acted out, surfed porn, cruised, etc. for almost a week now but it's not as if I haven't wanted to. He's bubbling under the surface just waiting to rear his ugly head when I've had too bad of a day, or when finances are a little too tight, or when my self esteem (due to my weight gain) is a little too low, yada yada.
I wish I could say I was solid in my recovery, but I can't. Yes, I want to be healthy. No, I don't want to live a life of shallow fuckery and lose everything I hold dear. But there is a big differenc between abstinence and being sober. And lately it seems like I am anything BUT sober.