Tuesday, December 18, 2012

The Voices in My Head

I found the drawing below online and it immediately resonated with me. I don't remember which post it was, but I remember writing about how I feel like I'm in the middle of a room, surrounded by evil spirits that are constantly whispering temptations and bad thoughts in my ear.

Depending where I am at mentally and in my recovery, sometimes I can block those voices out; but other times I perk my ears up and listen and obey. It is a constant battle and I do grow ever so weary of fighting it. And the sad reality of it all is that this battle will forever be going on in my head. Once an addict, always an addict.

Nevertheless, today I feel good and strong and have clarity of mind. I feel grounded in my recovery. I am one week abstinent and sober.

Since it's Christmastime, here's a quote I like from once of the carols sung in the movie "A Christmas Carol":

"So grant us all a change of heart, Rejoice for Mary's son! Pray peace on earth to all mankind, God bless us everyone!"

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

12/12/12 - A Fresh Start

Today is 12/12/12. What a better day to climb back on the wagon and get re-focused.

Game plan:

~ More social interaction (lunches, phone calls, meetings, involvement, etc). No isolating!

~ I would like to start jogging (exercise). I think this will help me feel better about myself and help w/ keeping my mind clear and invigorated.

~ I have been slacking in my AM prayers. I'm going to start doing them again every day, AM & PM, on my knees!

~ Continuing to stay away from people, places, websites, etc. that may be triggering.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

iPhone Woes

My co-worker installed a block on my computer at work so I can't go to the Craigslist website anymore and view personal ads; which has really helped me stay on track while at work. I can honestly say I have not been tempted to try and go to that website or really view anything else that might be questionable on my work machine. Let me clarify however, that aside from Craigslist ads, I never really did have a problem w/ viewing porn or anything else risque on my computer while at work. Shock, shock!

Nevertheless, lately I've had started to have a HUGE problem w/ watching porn on my (work) iphone. I never did this before b/c I was afraid it would appear on the bill or in the data files or something like that (which it does, I found out). The last 6 weeks while at work, I have been escaping off to the private bathroom to watch Xtube and beat off. Sometimes I can go a week or so w/o being bad and viewing any porn and masturbating while at work, but other days I'll really be naughty and watch it and jack off sometimes 3-6 times a day.

Last week I found out that all my viewing activity at work (since I'm using the wireless network at work) IS being logged and potentially being tracked. Gulp. I about shit my pants! Can you imagine being let go from a job I have held for 5 years b/c of porn? How shameful and embarrassing! I can't even imagine having to tell my wife that I could no longer provide for her and our family b/c of my porn/sex addiction. Well, this news about my iphone activity being tracked stopped me dead in my tracks immediately and I have not been tempted to view porn again while at work and use work's wireless connection. And I know I never will again.

However, this has not stopped me from getting into a nasty little habit of using my wireless connection at home to watch Xtube and take care of business there. Last night my wife went Christmas shopping and left me home alone to my own devices. Needless to say, the struggle "should I or shouldn't I" wasn't too long or difficult at all. Hardly had she driven down the street (the kids were all asleep) until I had dropped my pants, and started getting off while watching the most hardcore, trashy porn I could find. I ended up masturbating 4 times in a row until my dick was actually throbbing and rubbed raw. :P What the fuck is wrong w/ me?

On a ligher side, I've done some research and found out I can turn off the internet option on my iphone and have the internet access completely restricted w/ a passcode lock. I'm going to have my I.T. friend shut off my internet connection and put in his passcode lock so there will not be anyway I can access the internet, thus helping me stay off the fucking porn sites!

It's funny that I'm building all these fortifications and precautionary walls around myself (for recovery's sake) yet I still feel so out of control. I don't necessarily feel like I'm going to do anything too bad; but still, my resistance is at an all time low. It seems I only have to have a single lustful thought go through my head once and I'm immediately in tossing off in the bathroom.

Thank goodness I've continued to stay away from people and places that may cause me to fall BIG TIME. BUt I realize it's only a matter of time until temptation just proves too much that I'm starting to cruise for real life voyeuristic sexual encounters or frequenting bath houses and sex shope.

Let's just hope these corrective actions I am taking will pay off in the end and I can re-take control of the wheel from my D.P. before it's too late.