Tuesday, December 11, 2012

iPhone Woes

My co-worker installed a block on my computer at work so I can't go to the Craigslist website anymore and view personal ads; which has really helped me stay on track while at work. I can honestly say I have not been tempted to try and go to that website or really view anything else that might be questionable on my work machine. Let me clarify however, that aside from Craigslist ads, I never really did have a problem w/ viewing porn or anything else risque on my computer while at work. Shock, shock!

Nevertheless, lately I've had started to have a HUGE problem w/ watching porn on my (work) iphone. I never did this before b/c I was afraid it would appear on the bill or in the data files or something like that (which it does, I found out). The last 6 weeks while at work, I have been escaping off to the private bathroom to watch Xtube and beat off. Sometimes I can go a week or so w/o being bad and viewing any porn and masturbating while at work, but other days I'll really be naughty and watch it and jack off sometimes 3-6 times a day.

Last week I found out that all my viewing activity at work (since I'm using the wireless network at work) IS being logged and potentially being tracked. Gulp. I about shit my pants! Can you imagine being let go from a job I have held for 5 years b/c of porn? How shameful and embarrassing! I can't even imagine having to tell my wife that I could no longer provide for her and our family b/c of my porn/sex addiction. Well, this news about my iphone activity being tracked stopped me dead in my tracks immediately and I have not been tempted to view porn again while at work and use work's wireless connection. And I know I never will again.

However, this has not stopped me from getting into a nasty little habit of using my wireless connection at home to watch Xtube and take care of business there. Last night my wife went Christmas shopping and left me home alone to my own devices. Needless to say, the struggle "should I or shouldn't I" wasn't too long or difficult at all. Hardly had she driven down the street (the kids were all asleep) until I had dropped my pants, and started getting off while watching the most hardcore, trashy porn I could find. I ended up masturbating 4 times in a row until my dick was actually throbbing and rubbed raw. :P What the fuck is wrong w/ me?

On a ligher side, I've done some research and found out I can turn off the internet option on my iphone and have the internet access completely restricted w/ a passcode lock. I'm going to have my I.T. friend shut off my internet connection and put in his passcode lock so there will not be anyway I can access the internet, thus helping me stay off the fucking porn sites!

It's funny that I'm building all these fortifications and precautionary walls around myself (for recovery's sake) yet I still feel so out of control. I don't necessarily feel like I'm going to do anything too bad; but still, my resistance is at an all time low. It seems I only have to have a single lustful thought go through my head once and I'm immediately in tossing off in the bathroom.

Thank goodness I've continued to stay away from people and places that may cause me to fall BIG TIME. BUt I realize it's only a matter of time until temptation just proves too much that I'm starting to cruise for real life voyeuristic sexual encounters or frequenting bath houses and sex shope.

Let's just hope these corrective actions I am taking will pay off in the end and I can re-take control of the wheel from my D.P. before it's too late.

2 comments:

  1. Hi.

    I am new to reading your blog. I am also a gay Mormon. But, am a woman, not a man, as you are.

    To be completely straight-forward with you: I cringed through several of your posts I read. Not because of the language, or the sexual accounts you have portrayed, but because I felt (and, feel) so much pain from you. I know that when I began a really difficult therapy to finally begin dealing with the harsh realities of the abuses (sexual, physical, and emotional) I had suffered as a child, it caused me to react and act out sexually in ways that I had never done before. I thought I was simply searching for sexual understanding and was acting out with morbid sexual fantasy when in reality, I was reenacting many of the things that had happened to me as a child.

    I cannot help but feel there is something (or, somethings, or even someones) in your life that have caused/are causing you such excruciating pain that to deal with them, you try and numb yourself through sexual activity.

    Maybe I am completely wrong. If I am, I apologize. (In my defense, I have been told by myriads of people that I am acutely sensitive to others' feelings and pain, often getting to the heart of why they feel what they feel far before they ever do.)

    Anyway, I just wanted to say that I sincerely feel sad for your pain. I hope your therapist is brilliant and that (s)he can help guide you to a place of healing and joy. When your healing is complete, as mine finally became after MANY years of intensive and hard therapy, your life will be filled with great joy and happiness, rewards for coming through the pain to the other side. I hope that for you.

    Sending love and good energy to you, your wife, and children.

    Happy night, Duck

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  2. Duck,

    I am sincerely thankful for your response and comments and your support. I am happy to have you along for the ride. And you are right - I am suffering deep inside and use sex, masturbation, fantasy, etc. to numb the pain. I was severly emotionally abused by my peers while growing up which has obviously had a lasting impact on me mentally.

    I am currently seeing a sex addiction therapist. Although we haven't dug deep into the roots of these issues, I know I do have much to sort out, make sense of, and (hopefully) come to terms with and eventually experience that peace in my life I so desperately desire.

    I do apologize for the language and the severity of my posts. This blog has become an outlet for me to unleash this monster within. But thank you again for being there.

    And although I don't know you, I send you a great big, warm hug via the information superhighway and want you to know that YOU are special, that God knows and loves YOU and that YOU are never, ever alone.

    All the best to you Duck!

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