Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Chemical Castration

I have been doing a lot of research lately on chemical castration. Chemical castration is using drugs or medication to reduce sex drive/libido. In various studies it has shown diminished desires for deviant sexual behavior, less frequent sexual fantasies, and greater control over sexual urges. While I don't believe chemical castration is a fool-proof method to completely counter or thwart my deviant sexual behaviors (it's all in my head!)  I think it may be just the ticket to help get me some much needed and desired control, sobriety, and time between me and my addictive behaviors. So I made a Doctor appointment for tomorrow to possibly get a Depo Provera shot.

I do admit I am nervous about the side effects the Depo Provera shot can cause (not libido-reducing). Being as how Depo Provera is female birth control, things such as weight gain, breast enlargement, voice changes, reduced body hair, and loss of muscle mass can and do occur! I know I have a lot of deep-seeded issues, but wanting to be a woman or be more feminine sure isn't one of them. However, I'm willing to do it if it's going to help me get my feet back under me and my head out of the clouds.

I am going to discuss with my Doctor other drug alternatives; possibly other anti-depressants aside from Prozac and Paxil which tend to decrease sex drive. Perhaps there's something else I could try before I actually go the Depo Provera route. I'll let you know how my appointment  goes and what happens. Stay tuned.

Monday, November 4, 2013

Time to Tell The Folks

There comes that point in every "gay" person's life that they must/need/should tell their parents about their sexuality. Alas, that time has come for me, whether I want to or not. I plan to tell my parents by the end of the week. This disclosure comes as a result of my recent excommunication and my daughter's upcoming baptism.

Would I have told my parents about my sexuality and struggles if these things hadn't or weren't occurring right now at this point of my life? Most definitely not. Being a father in my mid 30's I don't really think I need to run to my mommy and daddy and spill my guts about all of this and who their son really is. I don't really 'need' anything they could give me. But the Stake Presidency told me perhaps they can give me some support or help that I wouldn't receive otherwise. Perhaps that's true. Plus my wife pointed out that I'm withholding an opportunity for THEM to grow and serve. Interesting perspective.

I have always been the apple of my parents' eyes, especially my mother's. I'm the youngest child after a large gap of years. I was the musically talented, Eagle scout, honor roll student, etc. I was pretty much given everything I wanted and spoon fed until I was about 28. It was very difficult for my wife and I to get out from under my parent's thumb and be grown ups and do our own thing, but we did, and I have been fiercely independent ever since then. My parent's caught me masturbating and messing around w/ my cousins quite frequently when I was younger and it was always a dirty, naughty thing; which was all the more reason to sneak and hide my behaviors and secret life. I have TREMENDOUS anxiety with disappointing my parents. I don't know why or where that comes from but that is the part of this I am looking forward to the least. And once it's out there, it's out there, and there's no taking it back. EVERYTHING will change as I know it. Maybe it will be better, or worse, but one thing's for sure: it has to happen. And it has to happen this week.

It would be one thing for me to go to my parents and say, "I have a problem w/ alcohol.... or gambling....or am in debt." Or even that I'm having an affair with another woman! HAHA. Nope, I have to tell my parents I'm a major sex addict, that I've been excommunicated from the church, and oh, by the way, I like having sex w/ men! 3 major bombshells...boom, boom, boom!

I don't worry that my parents will freak out and disown me or anything like that. I know they will be genuinely concerned and caring and help however they can. But it's just so embarrassing, and shameful! I can't even imagine what my dad will be thinking in his head! "My son likes dick." Um, ugh :P

I think I'm more nervous about coming out to my parents than I was when I had to go before the disciplinary council. But I must remember it'll soon all be over and then we can finally move on and hopefully I will receive some unexpected support and help. Then my parents will understand why I can't baptize my daughter and why I haven't been attending the temple or playing the organ. It will all make sense. No more secrets. No more dark, cobweb-filled corners.

Here we go.

Monday, October 28, 2013

Help! I Need Somebody


To my readers, especially those of you who have been deeply entrenched in any sexual addition and have (or are) overcoming it, this one's for you. I need help and ANY advice you would be willing to share.
 
As I have written in the past, I am consumed w/ same sex lust. I am a slave to my flesh, my thoughts, my desires, my temptations. Even though I have had many periods of wild, sexual promiscuity in the past, I have never, EVER felt so lost and out of control as I do today.  I totally understand why it is said that addiction is a disease -  my brain and soul is being completely ravaged and eaten alive by this lust disease! I cannot stop my behaviors, and my acting out (w/ others) is becoming more and more regular, sometimes 2 or 3 times a day. That is in addition to my own masturbation as I relive the experiences again and again and again in my head. I can't concentrate or remember things. I am mentally present or engaged in a conversation maybe 20% of the time; the rest of the time my mind is racing on other things. I can almost FEEL the damage being done in my head behind my eyes. My brain rot has almost become an actual physical feeling in my skull.

Each night I pray and ask for help and strength to get through the next day. Yet morning comes and that all-too-familiar tickle already begins. My resistance to say no or to chase the naughty thought from my head is nil.  I don't go to lunch w/ work friends any more. I spend my lunch hours cruising for hook ups. I don't make phone calls to other guys in recovery. I'm not "there" anyway. Sometimes I will be hunting for 2 or 3 hours at a time during lunch, or even in the middle of the afternoon. I have even been leaving work an hour early to cruise some more before going home w/ my 'everything's just dandy and I'm fine' mask. One would think my recent excommunication from the church would have sobered me up and I would be doing everything in my power to STOP! But I don't and I'm not. I am solely going through the motions: church, LDS addiction recovery meeting, my regular SA group, personal prayer and prayer w/ my wife, etc., yet for whatever reason that sure and true desire to stop is not there.

Before I end up going all the way (meaning performing oral sex or engaging in actual sex) w/ one of my hook ups and contracting a disease, or being fired from work for being MIA so often, or getting caught by the cops, a neighbor, or my wife, HOW can I just STOP? What is the magic pill or how do I spark a fire within my soul that will ignite and give me the strength and the desire to stop? In my heart of hearts I know I am sick. I know I have a problem and that it is killing me every way possible, even eternally. My sane mind knows what I am doing to my wife and family, but because my heart is void of empathy and emotion, it's hard for me to do it for those reasons alone. I do want to stop but lust's pull is too strong.

So I ask: what has helped you in the past to break out of your addiction cycle? If willing, please share w/ me what you have done to loose the chains around your neck. Help me put together an action list of things I could do that may help get me a day or more of sobriety/abstinence. How does one surrender this shit to God? How does a spiritual entity (God/Christ) help/change a physical entity (me)? I don't understand it! How does one "Let go and Let God?" How does one come to the sure knowledge that this entity (that I supposedly know so well b/c He is my Father and Creator) is the only one that can deliver me from this hell? How does that feeling just turn over one day in a person's soul? How do I muster up the strength and desire from within to overcome and fight this battle?

I get so angry when I hear of other people who have had that breakthrough and are able to begin healing via Christ's atonement. What did they do and how did they do it? What can I do? Where do I begin? What actual PHYSICAL steps and actions do I take?

Please help. Please help, meaning, please give me the information I seek that may help light that fire within ME, because in the end, YOU can't help me. Nobody can really help me. This all has to come from within my own heart, mind, and soul. But perhaps you may plant some seeds that take root.

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Excommunication

I've really missed writing out some of my thoughts and the things that are going on in my life when the mood passes through, so I've decided to start writing again. However, this time around I'm only going to write about the POSITIVE things happening in my life, my POSITIVE thoughts and musings, and to share my POSITIVE experiences of strength, growth, and hope. No more will I write about my endless sexual exploits, struggles, hook ups, and all my past mistakes. I will not continue to dwell on the negative things in my life and forever confess but never find peace.
Much has happened in the past few months. The 2 biggest occurrences were:

1) My addiction cycle has worsened. It has worsened to the point that I have been acting out (alone and w/ others) multiple times a day. I am consumed w/ lust. There is no end to my insatiable desires. Because of where I have been and the escalation of these desires and behaviors, 2) I went before an LDS Disciplinary Council and was Excommunicated from the Church.

I never could have imagined I would lose my membership in the church, but it has happened. I have no Spirit, no priesthood, no forever family, NOTHING.

Please know this came as a result of my own volition. I freely confessed all to my Bishop, and later, the Stake President. I was not caught and turned in or facing legal problems or anything like that. It was me, and me alone, and I knew what I had to do. My wife accompanied me and was with me through it all. Today, I feel no anger, no resentment, no bitterness, no animosity toward anyone in the church or toward the church in general. Only I have put me where I am today. One of the things the Council and I agreed on is there will be no healing nor true recovery if I do not find Christ. Even though I may have all the therapy, group therapy, step work, readings, books, etc. in the world, I will not be truly healed and cleansed unless I come to know Christ and understand, accept, and FEEL His Atonement. I have always cheated my way through the repentance process. I even cheated aka weaseled my way back into the church when I was disfellowshipped 12 years ago. I will not do that again and for the sake of my salvation I can't do that again.

One would think my excommunication from the church would have had a devastating and emotional impact on me, but it hasn't it. I am a have been such a master at hiding and repressing my feelings that today I feel nothing. Sure, I might see a sad movie and want to cry or get angry and lash out or laugh at a funny joke, but for the most part I am dead pan. I feel no remorse, no pain, no empathy, even when I think of what I have done to my life, my wife, and my children.

But somewhere deep down inside me there is still hope. I KNOW I can overcome this addiction and experience that peace, serenity, and pure happiness that I so desperately desire. It won't be tomorrow, next week, or maybe even next year, but it's possible and it will happen.  My testimony and faith, regardless of what has happened continues to burn bright, strong, and true and is unwavering. Thank God for that, otherwise the outlook for my future would be very bleak indeed! I believe my excommunication is a good and necessary step in my recovery and for true repentance to occur. Yet it all comes down to ME and how badly I truly want it. Am I willing to do whatever it takes to get better and to seek out the Savior and develop a relationship w/ him? Will I stop lusting? Will I turn my life and will over to the care of God? Only 'the measure we give is the measure we get back.' (SA White Book).

I can do this.
I know I can.
And God knows it too, and he will help me. But I must ask Him for help.


Tuesday, July 23, 2013

So Black My Heart

I think I've written before how the more often we yield to temptation and let evil in and allow our addictions to take control, the more our resistance decreases. We grow weaker and weaker and it becomes easier and easier to sin; even the grievous ones that we thought we would never do.
Such is the status of my life lately. My descent into sin is remarkable, though unsurprising.

Things have really spiraled out of control for me, and it's no one's fault but my own. Now instead of surfing porn and spanking it in my work restroom, I have now gone deeper into actual cruising and surfing and hooking up w/ anonymous dudes. For the past few months I have frequented the gay park in town at least once (or more) a week. Plus, I am actually allowing myself to be jerked off by the other guy, whereas there was a time here not too long ago that I would have NEVER allowed myself to be touched. I have also began fondling the other dudes balls. A couple of years ago I would have NEVER touched the other person. And I have been a hair's breadth from a blow job. He wanted to do it and I wanted it so bad, but right at the last second I said no.

This past week was really bad and finally culminated on Sunday afternoon.

Story time kiddos...
First thing on last Friday morning, right after turning my computer on at work, I began surfing (and responding) to Craigslist ads. I had a response by 9am. And by 9:30am I was in this dudes hotel room. Another guy showed up and I watched the two of them have full-on oral and butt sex. Did I mention I was naked and was touching the fucker's balls as he did the other guy? Um, yea, I was and I did. Plus I allowed myself to be jacked off until I shot my load on the back of the fuckee w/ the other guy. This experience will bother me, meaning re-tempt and re-trigger me for years to come. Definitely lots of deposits in the spank bank w/ that experience.

I was a veritable angel on Saturday and Sunday morning. But by Sunday mid afternoon I was jonesing. I decided to lie to my family and tell them I was going to do a quick pop run. Instead I ran straight to the gay park. I met a guy and propositioned him to get someone else and let me watch then blow each other in the car. It happened as I wanted it to, and I again massaged their balls while they jacked off, then I jacked off myself.

When I got home my wife was waiting for me in the driveway. I had been gone 40 minutes and she knew I hadn't just done a pop run and asked me where I had been. I couldn't lie. No more. I told her where I had been and what I had been doing, minus the 'gory' details. We had it out all night and she told me the next time it happens or if I get near that fucking park I'm out, and I have to go stay w/ my parents and tell them why I am there. I hope that ultimatum will help me try to get back on track. Gulp.

There are no excuses. I'm a fucking adulterer and have a black heart. I love evil over good. I'm in love w/ darkness more than light. Darkness has enveloped me and I'm loving it. That's scary. Am I fucking possessed? What the fuck has happened to me? I feel dead inside. I am willing to take my job, my freedom, my beautiful wife and family, my church membership, my reputation, my sanity, and my peace of mind and eternity and throw it all away into the fucking sewer b/c I love dick, plain and simple, and I want that quick blow job or spank job in the bathroom stall more than I want all of that. How's that for scathing mockery too all things holy and that hold dear!

So I'm back on the wagon and have been giving a concerted effort to control this shit again. I've been praying AM and PM and have been making 2 calls a day to other guys in recovery (sex addiction) and have been staying the fuck out of places I should. I do feel ok (hooray for 2 days); but boy, I can't deny I sure have been tempted. I want it. BAD. Just as a drug user needs more and more, it's the same w/ me. I've thought of cruising the park, or re-emailing the hook-up I had on Friday and asking for more. I've thought about jacking off w/ lovely thoughts of my binge weekend. Everywhere I look I see meat, I see beautiful ass, I see dick.

I'm lost in a sea of lust and wantonness. I do see the light on the shore, though it is dim. All I can do is batten the hatches, adjust my sails, and steer toward it.

Friday, July 12, 2013

It Is Only a Matter of My Fix

I had a work friend of mine ask me to listen to a song on his iTunes playlist. When I listened to it
I about shit myself! The song pretty much summed up who I am and my life thus far.

"No Eyes" - by Baths

You take me and I'll take you
In the pit there in the smoke.
I can never make out your face, or at least I can't remember it
I have no eyes, I have no love, I have no hope.


And it is not a matter of
If you mean it,
But it is only a matter of
Come and fuck me.
And it is not a matter of
If you love it,
But it is only a matter of
My fix.


It gets all in the way, the pit in my throat.
This isn't the adulthood I thought I wrote.
And I never see your face, but I just might be okay,
Because I have no eyes, I have no love, I have no hope.


And it is not a matter of
If you need it,
But it is only a matter of
Come and fuck me.
And it is not a matter of
If you love me,
But it is only a matter of
My fix.


Tuesday, June 25, 2013

It's All About Me

My therapist recently moved away, so I'll be on the hunt for a new one here soon. But one of the things he told/taught me in one of our last sessions that really has had a lasting impact is that I am a narcissist. Not the kind of narcissist that has to look in a mirror every time he walks by, or that lives at the gym, tanning salon, or spa doing seaweed wraps or any of that bullshit HAHA. I am narcissist in the fact I ALWAYS put myself first and think about and place my wants and my needs before others'. He said my narcissism may have developed when I had to build defense mechanisms in my shitty adolescence b/c of all the assholes that destroyed my self-esteem and self-worth. I learned to judge who I can/cannot trust, who is/isn't of "use" to me, and who does/does not fulfill some role or need in my life.

He went on to say that everyone that comes in my life immediately goes through a special filter I have in place. This filter helps me weed out those who A) have a need in my life; or B) are simply chaff in the whirlwind. HAHA Most likely this filter is a 'trust' filter. After the person makes it through the filter I then categorize them depending on what role they will play in my life or what need they will fulfill; almost like a game of chess. Every person fulfills some role. I'm not going to write about each and every category and sub-category...suffice to say I have my chessboard filled the way I want and need it to be.

The other day at lunch I had some friends reiterate what my therapist had said: that I am a narcissist. This started me thinking again about my therapy session a few weeks back, which is leading me to write this post. I have had to stop and think "am I truly as narcissistic as everyone around me says I am?" And the obvious answer? Yep.

In past posts I've written about how difficult it is for me to feel empathy for other individuals. I know empathy can be slightly circumstantial, but on the whole I have a hard time "feeling" for others. Someone gets in an accident, or loses a job, or has health issues, and I say "oh that's too bad. I'm so sorry." But sometimes I feel like I'm just acting and saying the words of condolence just because I have to. I really hate that. And the stress and panic I feel when I'm 'acting' the part! Holy shit! Am I coming across genuine enough? Can they tell I'm just acting? Arg. I do wish I could truly be more genuine and FEEL more emotion, love and compassion for others.

There's a line in my favorite TV show "The Golden Girls" when one of the girls is panicking and sobbing b/c she thinks she has had her car stolen from the driveway. When she tells another one of the girls the response she gets is one of unbelief and no sympathy what-so-ever and a bit of harshness. She says "you sure could practice a little more compassion" to which the other responds "catch me on a day when the story's about me." That sure sums me up pretty well.

Everyone who I'm close to well knows that I won't do anything I don't want to do. I won't go anywhere I don't want to go. I won't watch, eat, or play anything I don't want to. If I'm forced out of my comfort zone, I get extremely pissy and sour (e.g. home teaching, b-day parties, etc). It's hard for me to get out of my own fucking head and to stop worrying about MYSELF for 5 minutes. Pretty pathetic.

Interesting facts I just read this morning on my Yahoo news feed: "Individuals with narcissistic personality disorder suffer from low self-esteem and feelings of inferiority, while also projecting displays of arrogance and vanity," according to the American Psychiatric Association. "One of the key traits of pathological narcissists is their clear lack of empathy", says Stefan Röpke, a professor in the department of psychiatry at the Charité - Universitätsmedizin Berlin in Germany. "Generally, these patients are able to recognize what others feel and think, but outwardly exhibit little compassion."  Hmmmm, so who does this sound like? These researchers say the lack of empathy is due to a lower volume of gray matter in the brain. Is this why much of my life I feel like I'm in a fog? HAHA How exactly does one build/grow gray matter? Any thoughts on what I can do to begin feeling and caring more for others and to get over myself?

  

Friday, June 14, 2013

Back From a Hiatus

In March my therapist gave me a challenge to stay off of all social media sites for a few months. I was having trouble cruising Craigslist personal ads while at work (and responding to them) and checking out SGA dudes' profiles on FB to get my fire stoked. I accepted his challenge to help keep my 'wandering eye' in check and have been pretty good at keeping my commitment. This is the reason I haven't written anything on my blog for a few months.

I wish I could say I've been a really good boy and have been minding my p's and q's, and in some respects I have been. I haven't gotten freaky w/ myself in I don't know how long (freaky, meaning doing myself in the arse w/ foreign objects or sticking shit down my pee hole). So that's an improvement. But I have had some tête-à-tête's w/ some dudes in the park. Just mutual j.o. stuff; nothing major. Wow! How's that for down-playing the seriousness of my actions? Talk about a detestable adulterer.

The masturbation continues and always will. One of the last pieces of advice my therapist gave me before relocating to Florida (yes, I'll be on the hunt for a new sex addiction therapist) is this: I am a super-charged sexual being. I always have been. And rather than try to deny, repress, or change it, I need to accept it and embrace it. It's part of my make up and who I am. However; I need to learn to express my sexuality and mega-libido in healthy ways....not jacking off w/ random dudes in the park bathrooms or cruising Craigslist ads or hard-core porn sites. He suggested incorporating my masturbation into the relationship I have w/ my wife. Rather than use masturbation as a way to expel my lusts and fantasies when I'm alone, why not think about making my favorite past time not-so-secret and naughty. He called not engaging in 'public masturbation.' This is masturbation by myself w/o my wife. I need to try masturbating with my wife in the room or telling her BEFORE I do the deed. Shed some light into the dark corners of my life.

Also, if I want true, lasting happiness w/ my wife and children I need to continue to always and forever STAY THE FUCK OFF CRAIGSLIST and STAY THE FUCK OUT OF THE GAY PARKS AND CRUISING JOINTS! Period.

So, I'm still here, life continues to march on, my DP is still at my side but I'm doing pretty good....for the most part.

Thursday, April 4, 2013

Coming to Terms w/ Myself

Yesterday I "came out" to a friend of mine at work that I've grown pretty close to as of late. It was kind of interesting the way it happened. He has told me before that from the minute he met me he thought I was pretty "metro." We've laughed about it and how my way of dealing w/ the "is he or isn't he" question is to just coyly play it up and keep them guessing.

So yesterday we were sitting in the park having lunch and he told me the metro thing was just a round-about way of wondering if I do or if I have ever played for both teams. I laughed at that and of course played it up a bit more to him. Then I told him that I don't personally believe sexuality is as cut and dry as the world tries to make it; nevertheless, if I have to slap a label on myself then yes, I do play for both teams. I really don't have anything to hide (anymore). I am who I am. But my situation is really complicated. The reason being is I don't consider or identify myself as a "gay" man, as I've mentioned in previous posts. For me, coming out and saying, "yep I'm gay" doesn't really jive w/ me. Embracing the whole gay bit and identifying myself that way means gay pride and acceptance, waving the rainbow flag and marching in street parades, endorsing gay marriage, denying my testimony of the church b/c the church doesn't and won't support my lifestyle, yada yada. It's the whole gay ball of wax.

Do I deny that I like to fuck guys? Nope. Given the choice, would I prefer to fuck a man or a woman and which sex turns me on? Hands down it is men. But sex w/ a woman, though not as hot nor fun as it is w/ guys, is great too. Can you see why it's not just black and white?

Further complications: I love my wife and share a deep emotional connection w/ her. I want to be w/ her and our family forever. Would it be possible for me to love and be loved by a guy and have that deep emotional connection w/ him as well, and be able to have great butt sex whenever, wherever, or however we wanted? It's possible. I'm not saying it isn't. However, the Son of God that is inside me knows that being gay (as I have defined it) is not right (FOR ME). I know what happiness is and it is not w/ a man. It is w/ my eternal family. That is what I believe.

So I'll never know that mind-blowing, pure pleasure of getting or giving head to a guy again in my mortal life. Oh well! Is that sexual liberty and freedom really worth sacrificing everything else in my life (and eternity) that brings me happiness, security, comfort, love, and stability?

Thursday, March 28, 2013

Missionary Service

As one looks back on their life, you would think that the time one spends serving as a missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints would be the happiest of their life. A mission should be a time of joy, of peace, of service, of blessings, of growth. It is the time in a person's life that they are (or can be) closer than ever before or after to the Holy Ghost and to all things heavenly. That is, unless of course, you have a dark passenger serving in the missionfield alongside you. At first, my DP remained quiet and idle and patiently waited for the day he could take command of the wheel again.

This is what I've decided to write about today: I want to bring to light all of the horrendous, most evil things I did while serving as a representative of the Lord for His Church, doing his work on the earth. It truly is sickening.

  • I began masturbating shortly after arriving at the MTC. I would regularly do it in the restroom stalls. I think I even did it once while showering alone at one of the "trees of life." Totally risky!
  • The very first night after arriving to my mission from the MTC, I stayed at the Mission President's house. There were 3 sets of bunkbeds in the basement. I wasn't used to the humidity of the area and subsequently took all my garments off and slept completely buck naked that first night.
  • The 2nd guy I baptized was gay. My companion must have not known or didn't care and just wanted the number. Every time we went to his house to teach him the discussions I wasn't even mentally present b/c he and I were constantly looking at each other. I think the only reason he even got baptized was to impress me or to keep me coming back to teach him.
  • My companion had a toothbrush holder that was shaped like a dildo. I would do myself all the time w/ it, wash it, and then put it back so he'd never suspect. Yes, I know. That's fucked up.
  • I remember coming across some gay porn magazines in a trash can and quickly flipping through them.
  • I would wrestle w/ my companions and try to grab their junk.
  • One day while I was on splits, I went back to the apartment of the member guy I was with. He wanted me to play the piano while he sang some hymns. He came up behind me and ever-so-gently and casually pressed his (erect) penis into my shoulder blades. I pretended like I didn't feel it. This is when my pent-up lust and feelings unleashed w/ a vengeance. This was approx. 9 months into my mission.
  • Several months after that first experience w/ the member guy and after I was completely acting out on every lust-driven desire I had on a regular basis, this self-same member and myself had sex. I think it was just oral. I don't remember anything anal happening w/ him.
  • There was a single guy living in the apartment beneath ours. He would leave his front door unlocked. A few times I snuck into his apartment, found a VHS tape w/ porn, and would watch it and beat off. I think I was caught doing this (I'm still not sure to this day if I was or by whom) but this is the trigger that set everything into motion for me being sent home.
  • I remember sneaking out to the porch while my comp was in the shower and smoking cigarettes.
  • We tracted into an apt. of 3 gay guys (two were a couple and the other guy was single). While visiting I was immensely triggered and turned on by the dude I was talking to. I knew he wanted to it. That very night after everyone was asleep I snuck out of my apt, walked the distance to the gay guys' apt, knocked and was let in. It turns out the one my comp and I had talked to earlier that afternoon was one of the guys in the relationship and he was gone for the night. The guy that answered the door and let me in was the single guy. We talked for a while and ended up having oral sex on the floor. This was the first time I acted out w/ another guy since before my mission and was also the first of many more to come.
  • I would regularly cruise the train/subway station bathrooms and masturbated w/ many different strangers on many different occasions.
  • I remember engaging in oral sex in one of the restroom stalls of the train station w/ a stranger.
  • One day while my comp and I were walking down the street the guy coming toward us gave me the gaydar eye as we passed. This guy was Brazilian and oh-so hot. I told my comp to hold on and I ran back to the guy and got his phone number and address. When I went back to my comp he asked who that was and I lied and told him it was someone I used to teach in my old area. I eventually snuck out at night and went to this guy's apt. and he and I had anal sex. The next time I snuck out and went to his apt. I did him. He is also the last guy I ever had anal sex w/ to this day (11 years later).
  • A member family w/ whom we spent a lot of time with had a gay son. He and I made out in the hallway outside his apartment on several occasions and grabbed each other's packages.
  • Another member boy and I once met up (after I had snuck out of my apt of course) and we rented a hotel room and had sex. I did him, or at least tried to; he said it hurt him. But we got freaky w/ one another w/ some strawberries and whipped cream and ended things orally.
  • I remember sneaking out and taking the car and driving/cruising around looking for hook ups at night. I went to a gay bar and had some beers. I got pulled over for speeding on my way back to my apt. in the middle of the night. I was terrified that the gig was up and that I would be found out. But I somehow cleverly paid my speeding ticket and no one was the wiser.
  • I also went to the movies, snuck out of my mission boundaries (twice)! to go sight-see, and was just a terrible, disobedient son-of-a-bitch.
This is the shit I carry around in my head. This is the shit I will always and forever carry around in my head. Even if Heavenly Father and Christ someday decide to forgive me for making a complete mockery out of everything that is holy and sacred, I will always feel an immense amount of shame, embarrassment, and sadness for the things I did while serving as a missionary for the church. Truly, of all the shitty and terrible things I have done in my lifetime, the things I did while serving as a missionary for the church are the ones that cut the deepest and hurt the most. :(

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

1 Year Later

Today is the 1 year anniversary of starting my blog and man, o man, it's been a ride. As I look back over the past year I ask myself how I'm doing compared w/ where I was 1 year ago. Am I better off, worse off, or have I remained stagnant? I have made some huge strides in regards to my personal awareness and understanding, but aside from that I would have to say I'm in pretty much the same spot as I was; and in some cases, I'm worse off. :( That's terrible. I wish I could report a year of growth and abstinence and sobriety. But I can't. I'm still caught in the spin cycle.

But I can't let myself dwell on that fact too long or I'll really start feeling shitty.

On the bright side, I haven't thrown in the towel or said all is lost. I'm continuing the fight and the uphill climb. Maybe this year will spark a change or a fire within. Maybe this will be the year that I finally understand where all this shit comes from and what void or hole am I trying to fill?

"If you can't fly, then run; if you can't run then walk; if you can't walk then crawl!
But whatever you do you have to keep MOVING FORWARD!"

Thursday, March 21, 2013

The Wheels on the Bus Go Round and Round

Relapsed yesterday. Didn't act out w/ anyone else, just myself. The big M and porn and sounding. I just couldn't take it anymore. The temptation and craving and desire was too much for me to bear. I can't believe how hard the past 30 days have been. This addiction (and recovery) is a bitch. It sucks to be so fucked up.

So, I'm back to step one.
Don't worry... I'm not giving up the fight. The question to ask is will this time be different? Only I can answer that one and I don't have a fucking clue. I just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

I found this poem on an addiction recovery website. I liked it b/c it echoes how I'm feeling in my head today:

Remnants
I've destroyed [or am destroying] everything that was good in my life.
I've broken each vow that I made.
I've disgraced my children, my friends, and my wife
For this mindless, relentless charade.


Think of the worst person you've ever known,
And I'll wager he's better than me.
Hell is a place I would hate to call home,
And yet it's where I ought to be.


As a youth, I was favored, a virgin to sin,
A light to the wavering soul.
My thoughts were perverted and wrong now and then,
But I kept them in constant control.


In bad times, they'd soothe me and take me away
Like a heroin dose to my brain.
I'd yield to their lure more and more everyday,
And my heart grew more selfish and vain.


Tuesday, March 19, 2013

By a Hair's Breadth

I am a poster child for the scripture "no man can serve two masters". But it's not money and God I am serving and loving, it is righteousness and the devil and all things dark, carnal and lustful. This dichotomy causes a constant battle to occur between my right, sane mind and my dark passenger. It is aging me and rapidly killing me: mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and even physically. It is making me slowly lose my grip on reality, yet the terrifying part is there is no end in sight to this battle! And don't fucking feed me that bullshit 'hang in there, it gets easier...' I'm so tired of hearing that. Will it get easier? Will I make it through? Will I ever know peace in this life? In the end, Who will win this constant war in my head? Which reel am I going to play and see through to the end?

It truly amazes me that I know and realize I have everything a person could want, but would cast it all before swine for some dirty, cheap, fleeting pleasure. How astounding it is that sex can create and destroy families. It is the very power of God, but one of the strongest tools of the devil. Why is it such a powerful thing? Why is it so difficult for men to control these urges and instincts?

For me, temptation is everywhere! It is the guy in the car next to me. It is the guy standing in front of me at the convenience store. It's the men at church, at the grocery store, at work, in my neighborhood, etc. etc. etc. They are not priesthood leaders, or fathers, or friends, or mother's sons, or even Sons of God. To me they are simply objects to unleash my lust on, to fantasize about, to use and abuse and tease and taunt and toy and fuck every which way but Sunday in my mind's eye. But again, here's another piece of irony: even if I were to gouge out my fucking eyeballs and saw my cock off, it still wouldn't matter. I would still want it and my dark passenger would devise other ways to get what he wants. He has almost consumed my soul; yet peculiarly enough, somewhere deep down in side, I am still fighting this battle.

Yesterday was really tough. Had I been allowed to simply beat off and get some of that dopamine out of my head, perhaps it would have helped. But I made a commitment to myself, my Sponsor, and my group that I would not masturbate; so I didn't. But oh, how I wanted to have a release! And to make matters worse, temptation was everywhere! I was a dog in heat. I made call after call to guys in my group to try and find some stable ground and get out of my fucking head, but that lust was like a lake of lava bubbling under the surface. Nothing could alleviate it. In a moment of weakness, I decided to email a guy I had previously contacted and asked if he wanted to hook up. He said sure. After that, we engaged in terribly raunchy talk back and forth all evening discussing all the perveted and vile things we were going to do to one another. He gave me his address and we agreed on a time I would come over. I lied to my wife and told her I was going to a friend's house to watch a movie. The stage was set! Everything was aligning for me to release the deluge. I was so jazzed up! Nothing was going to stop me this time. And it was all straight out of my fantasy - he had dildos, and sounding toys, and everything I could possibly want to numb out and let the darkness wash over me.

Then, just as I was about to leave my house to head over to his, I stopped and looked at my wife and told her, "I'm not going to XXX's house tonight to watch a movie. I've been lying to you. I was actually going to have a hook up tonight." After my confession, my wife and I talked about everything in length and I told her I just don't know what to do. I know this life I crave and fantasize about won't lead to happiness. I know and realize it will only eventually end in despair and heartache and for me, death. I know if I give in I will wish throughout eternity I had lived differently (as it states in my patriarchal blessing). I'm so quick to cast my pearls before swine! But the desire and the craving and the curiosity and lust for carnal sins of the flesh is almost too much for me to endure. My sanity is crumbling like the walls of an old building. Yes, yesterday's battle did end (by a hair's breadth) w/ me having a small, yet significant victory over my DP. My wife told me I have it in me to conquer my dark passenger and take full control, but sometimes I wonder...do I? Who WILL win in the end..him or me? And I'm so exhausted and scared, b/c I know this battle will continue to wage on in my mind not just today, not just through next week, or next month, or the next 5 years, but forever. Will I ever have peace?

Friday, March 15, 2013

Speak the Truth and Shame the Devil

I know I labeled my blog "Silently Struggling" and maybe at the time (last March) when I first created this blog I did feel like I was in the struggle alone. However, I have to say I really don't feel like that anymore and regard the name of this blog pretty irrelevant for my current station in life. I have made some super great friendships and met some awesome men who accept me and care about me despite my dumb-fuckery and my horrendous addictions and actions. They are readers on this blog (you know who you are) but they see and know me for ME and understand that addictions can take many forms and shapes. True, my addiction has taken me down some pretty raunchy paths which I've painstakingly discussed in various posts over the past year, but the more knowledgeable and self-aware I get and the more clouds that disspate over and inside my head, the more grip I get on reality and who and what I'm all about.

Now, would I stand up on the roof-tops and shout that I am the owner of this blog and that I am the dark passenger? Um, no. I don't think I'm there yet nor do I know if I ever will be. I don't need the general public using my life and the information I've shared to destroy me or hurt me further. People can be real assholes. However, if a person genuiunely asks me about some of the problems I face or where I've been or what I'm working on, I would be straight-up and candid w/ them and tell them straight up what I'm all about. I would tell them I'm an addict that deals w/ same-sex lust. I would tell them I am an active member of the LDS church, that I know and love and believe to be the true Church. I would tell them I am a married man w/ 4 children and that my wife knows everything and we have a great relationship and I have no secrets from her. I would tell them I am currently attending 12 step meetings, group therapy, and one on one counseling sessions. I would tell them I have nothing to hide and nothing to be ashamed of.

Granted, I am slightly twisted in the mind and have made some pretty awful mistakes in the past and even still in my present. However, I've come a long way! I could have just said 'fuck this shit' and blown my life, my wife, my children, my church, everthing I have and hold dear and turned to the darkside. But I don't want that.

I love this quote I read on facebook the other day:

"How can we move on to the next chapter of our lives or see how the story ends if we keep re-reading the last chapter?"

So great and so, so true!
I want all of you to know I appreciate you being there for me and supporting me and helping me through this past year. This recovery shit is a long process but I'm healing, slowly but surely. And I'm finally getting [ever-so-slightly] comfortable in my own skin and accepting of myself.

"Everything will line up perfectly when knowing and living the truth becomes more important then proving anything to anyone." - Alan Cohen

Thursday, March 14, 2013

Attention Whore

I laugh at how much some of my behaviors and thoughts echo those of silly, teenage girls when it comes to seeking and getting attention from men. Case in point: there is a macho, attractive guy that just started coming to my groups. He's the type that really intimidates me b/c of his total butchness aka manliness HAHA. When I'm around him, I feel nervous and skittish and insecure. But then last week this guy opened up to group and poured out his heart and soul and got really emotional. My heart completely melted and I wanted to give him a strong hug and tell him I'm so sorry that he has felt so alone and has suffered so much. If only I had known him WHEN; I could have been a good friend to him.

The next day I decided to shoot him a text and wish him well and to have a good day. I was surprised when he immediately texted me back and obviously wanted to engage in conversation w/ me. Holy shit! Here's this guy that in my mind is the epitome of masculinity and he is showing ME attention. We ended up texting back and forth for quite awhile that morning.

The next day, I received a text from HIM out of the blue (that almost NEVER happens) and it totally lifted my heart and spirits. I told him his text really made my day. :) We again texted back and forth and even some more over the next few days.

This is the point when I have to tell myself to just settle down, chill out and relax a little bit. The teenage girl inside of me wants to totally glom on to this guy and text or call all the fuckin' day long. Or get together for lunch or to hang out. Everything else could go by the wayside as long as he's showing me attention. I find myself thinking about him at random times throughout the day and wondering if I'm going to hear from him again or how long I should wait until I text him again or if I should ask him to lunch. Totally gay bullshit. It's like these guys give me the least bit of attention and I'm all over them like mustard on a tire at a county fair.

Along w/ these bizarre needs for attention comes bitterness and jealousy and resentment and begrudging if I feel like I'm getting the brush off or not getting an adequate amount of attention in my mind; but I don't even know how much I need - what's just enough or not enough? It's all a delicate game of balance. I have to tip-toe carefully in these new-found straight male relationships for all the reasons listed above as well as I don't want to give them the 'wrong idea' and chase them away from me b/c they think I'm into them. Ahhhh!

Yet what's strange is these needy feelings only happen w/ guys I'm attracted to. Other guys might take an interest in me for friendship or what not and reach out to me, but to be honest I just want to keep my distance from them. The attention and friendship thing isn't even an issue; it's actually the farthest thing from my mind w/ them. They could move away and never talk to me again and I couldn't care less. It's almost as if friendship and all that has to be on MY terms. I decide who, when, how much, etc. How shallow and shitty is that?

So there it is. I simply MUST learn to love myself for WHO I AM and not determine or gauge my self-worth or how I rate as a male human being by how much attention I get from other guys. I wish so bad I could just be confident and strong and say, 'despite all the good or bad I've done in my life or how fucked up I may be, I actually like ME and I'm ok w/ ME. Love me or leave me...and my whole world and existence doesn't hinge on whether or not you like me and think I'm ok. B/c I think I am ok and I have a lot of people in my life who love me for who I am and think I'm ok too.

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Perpetual Grouchiness

What the hell is wrong w/ me lately? It seems like every day I'm in a bad, sour mood. I'm constantly irritable, and rageful, and on edge. Are these addiction withdrawal symptoms or WTF?

Today marks 3 weeks of abstinance for me and I have to admit it's been rough. But I'm really trying to do things differently this time. One of the things I've been trying really hard at is getting out of my fucking head! Too often when I'm sad, or overwhelmed, or angry I stay in my head and bury my feelings alive. That usually results in me acting out w/ myself and using my 'old reliables' to numb or escape my feelings. But not this time. Lately when I'm feeling that way, I've been picking up the phone and calling one of the guys in recovery and having a mindful conversation w/ them.

Sometimes I'm selfish, especially on my drive home from work. I want to just sit and listen to the radio and numb out. But I've come to realize I can't. It's too risky. So I'll make a call instead. And you know what? I feel better afterwards. Having good, healthy, close relationships w/ other guys in recovery is one of my life savers. I'm really grateful to have found them.

My wife told me I needed to get back on my meds (Prozac) or at least something to take the edge off. But I know that's not going to help. That's like trying to mend a broken pipe w/ duct tape. It may hold for a bit and fix the problem momentarily, but not in the long run. I need to replace the whole fucking pipe! And the way I do that is through working my program, attending my weekly meetings, practicing rigorous honesty, working w/ my sponsor, etc. I do hope my grouchiness as of late is just the result of my addiction withdrawal and that it will get easier as time goes by and the closer we get to spring and warmer weather.

I just need to settle down, breathe, keep calm and carry on and cheer up.

Monday, March 11, 2013

Just Look Away


Last night my wife and I were watching a documentary called "Hidden Inside America: Mormons" on the Destination America channel. Even though these documentaries tend to sometimes make us (us, meaning Mormons) out to be weirdos, I felt such a sense of pride and warmth and security as I watched it. :) I am so grateful to be a member of this church and do have a strong testimony of the truthfulness of it, despite being the 'peculiar people' we are.

The documentary covered everything from soup to nuts. Then, out of the blue, the program began discussing Chad Hardy's "Men on a Mission" calendar. Where the hell did that come from? Now, the DP side of me would love to have continued watching and ogling and secretly lusting and soaking all of that shit in, but as soon as that part of the program began I immediately jumped up and told my wife I was headed to bed and away I went w/o looking back.

At first, as I was brushing my teeth, I felt kind of embarrassed of what had happened and was letting myself sink into self-shame and my familiar insecurities, but then a feeling of contentment and peace washed over me and I was so thankful I did what I did and make the choice to walk out of the room. I thought it showed a great sense of strength and a personal desire to make good choices on my part. Plus, in the end, I didn't have those carnal images floating around in my brain.

What a small, yet extremely satisfying victory I had over the weekend. :)

Thursday, March 7, 2013

Unmet Needs

Addiction is the result of un-met needs and I'm well aware of where my same-sex lust addiction springs from: un-met needs from other males whilst growing up. Because of all the rejection and unacceptance and unenvolvement w/ other guys in my developmental years, I now have a serious need for acceptance and bonding and interaction w/ men. But for whatever reason, my brain tells me I need to get all of this physically and/or sexually.

I do have quite a number of good, close male friendships and regularly engage in bonding activities w/ them (lunch, movie nights, game nights, etc.), but even after all that, some days I find myself still struggling w/ that desperate need for male touch.

Yesterday was a tough day. For whatever reason I was really jonesing for some (healthy?) male touch: a long, tight embrace, or simply sitting next to each other or SOMETHING. But I didn't get it. Thus, as a result of not getting my needs fulfilled, late last night I was really tempted to start surfing Craigslist ads or to swing by the gay park in town and see if there would be a dude interested in just letting me have some close, non-sexual touch w/ him e.g. laying together and hugging, smelling his cologne on his neck, feeling the stubble of his 5 'o-clock shadow and his chest and legs, etc. Good lord, that sounds so unbelieveably gay! HAHA Yet I know, it would have inevitably ended in a mutual jerk-off session. Doesn't it always? In the end, I stayed strong and didn't go. Kudos for me, right? I really tried hard to tell myself I am loved and accepted by my male friends and I don't need to go and have some gay stroke or touchy-feely fest in order to feel like I am ok.

What the fuck is wrong w/ me? How and when will my brain ever heal? When will I finally feel that sense of acceptance and involvement w/ other dudes and not have that need to compensate in unhealthy ways?




Monday, March 4, 2013

The Light and Darkness Within

I read this quote last night on Facebook and it totally resonated w/ me:

"We've all got both light and dark inside us. What matters is the part we choose to act on. That's who we really are." - J.K. Rowling



Friday, March 1, 2013

THE Big Secret

I titled this latest BLOG post "THE secret" b/c it is the ONE SECRET I've been harboring for years and years and the one secret I keep most protected and locked away inside.

This is my secret: I am sexually and physically attracted to men, not women.

What's interesting is my wife knows my secret, as well as my close friends, group members, Church leaders, etc. But my secret is the big elephant in the room. We all see the elephant and reference it and know he's there, but we don't call it by name or say "there is a pink elephant in the room and it is this" nor do we really see how big it truly is.

For me, to finally come out and recognize that pink elephant for what it is, is one of the biggest fears I have live. I'm scared of the irreparable damage it will cause to my life, my marriage my relationships and to myself. Yet, would it be? That elephant is comprised of so much self-disgust and fear and embarrassment and toxic shame. It is a big conglomeration of all those times I have been rejected and made fun of and hated and bullied and hurt. It is my self-loathing and and self-disgust and self-hatred. It is "faggot" and "fem" and "cocksucker" and "fairy" all rolled up into one. I fear when I am finally able to let go and 'come out' w/ my secret and shine some light on it and recognize it for what is, then I will also begin to identify myself as that limp-wristed, faggot I always knew I was yet refused to believe. 

My story is a little strange in the fact all through my teens and even during my promiscuous years when I was having full-on gay sex I never did consider myself "gay." I think I've written about that before. Although I was a boy having sex w/ boys I didn't put two and two together and say, "well then, that means I must be GAY." My sexual escapades were always very naive and inconsiderate. And you know what? Today, as a 33 year old man I still don't classify myself as a "gay man" nor do I identify w/ the gays in society or the gay lifestyle. I do not believe sexuality is as cut and dried or black and white as people like to think and believe it is. I personally believe sexuality could best be described as a scale comprised of many shades and degrees. And this scale can change and shift over time due to different circumstances or experiences or other people.

I do, however, identity myself as a sex addict w/ same sex lust. I'm physically attracted and turned on by men, not women. What's hard for me and the true key to my secret is admitting to myself, wife, and others is I do NOT have any sexual attractions for women....at all. I do not lust after, or fantasize about, or get turned on by a woman's body. Given the opportunity to fuck an Abercrombie model or a Victoria Secret model, hands down it would be the Abercrombie dude. But that is where it ends. It doesn't move past the lust and the attraction and the fucking. Would I want to eventually move in w/ this Abercrombie guy and start a life together and get joint checking accounts and attend Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners at our family's houses together? Uh, no. I'm happy I don't feel that way, but it also makes things so much more confusing.

Perhaps my wife already knows my secret; the REAL secret. After 10 years of marriage, you would think she would realize I don't give a hoot about women. Yet what's bizarre is my wife and I have a very healthy, sexual marriage. I grab her boobs and I get a hard on. I love performing oral sex on my wife. I love when we passionately kiss during sex. I love doing her and listening to myself moving in and out and enjoy having sex w/ her (a woman). Never do I fantasize I'm acting out w/ a guy whilst we are having sex. Never do I imagine I'm eating out a guy instead of her when I'm doing so. And my wife and I have a great relationship! We've deduced that perhaps many couples have such problems in their marriage (especially sex addicts) b/c their relationships are so heavily driven by physical attraction and lust. My wife and I aren't like that. I love my wife and I think she's beautiful. I look at past pictures of us together and I truly think she is a beautiful person - inside and out. I think this has been key to our successful marriage and relationship. I guess if I'm not sexually attracted to other women but AM sexually attracted and compatible w/ her (my wife), then it must be ok.

But I fear what would happen if I finally came out and said, "Darling, you know I'm not attracted to women, right? You know I love you and think that you're beautiful, but when it comes to other women, you know they don't do it for me in the sex department, right? You know when we watch a sex/love scene in a movie or 'Dancing w/ the Stars' or a ballet I'm actually looking at and lusting and getting turned on by the dudes, right? You know when I see guys in their underwear, or wrestling pictures in the newspaper, or simple advertisements on the fucking TV featuring hot guys, you know my mind is racing, right?"

Shit. Why does it have to be so fucking complicated?

So, that's my secret. Who knows how long (if ever) it'll take me to grow the balls to actually TELL my wife out loud that I'm into dudes sexually and that my arousal template lies w/ men, not women. Do I need to? Is it a vital step in my road to sexual addiction recovery and a key piece to finding my inner peace and harmony?

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Fighting the Good Fight

I'm over a week abstinent today. That's pretty good for me, especially w/ regards to how out of control I've been lately. My dark passenger has been on the war path.

I have set up some safe guards and blocks (e.g. K9 web browswer on my iPhone, block on my work computer so I can't surf Craigslist while at work, my wife taking the ethernet cable w/ her when I'm left at home alone, etc) and boy oh boy my DP is pissed as hell.

I had a one-on-one w/ my therapist on Monday and we put together a PCI (personal craziness index) list to help me amp up my program and to not be so fucking weeshy.

A) 20 mins of working in a recovery book every day. This includes reading, writing, and/or sharing.
B) 1 meaningful phone call to a friend in recovery.
C) Practicing rigorous honesty in all my aspects of my life.
D) A daily check-in with my wife. Discussing needs, feelings, etc.

I can tell I've been having serious withdrawls: lethargy, body aches, constant headache (I never get headaches), instant boner when I hug a guy or have any sort of close, intimate touch, homo-erotic dreams - pretty intense ones at that, strong memories, urges, and desires, yada yada.
But no matter these fucking withdrawls.

I WANT ABSTINENCE!
I WANT SOBRIETY!
I WANT TO BE FULLY ENGAGED IN MY RECOVERY!
I WANT CLARITY OF MIND!
I WANT PURITY & CLEANINESS & WORTHINESS!
I WANT TO EXPERIENCE MINDFUL LIVING!
I WANT PEACE!

Monday, February 18, 2013

CBT

I was really bad on Saturday night and hurt my dick hole whilst sounding.
It still hurts (stings) to take a piss.
Do you think I'll ever learn?

Monday, January 28, 2013

Monsters Inside Me

I came across the picture below over the weekend and it hit me like a ton of bricks.
When it comes to addiction, this (can be) so very true if we aren't careful. We just have to keep fighting our monsters, ghosts, demons, etc. We can NEVER, EVER give up.

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Attention to Detail

At my job I have the 'unofficial proof-reader/editor' title b/c I have a really superb talent of noticing fine details and/or errors in print or art (e.g. spelling, punctuation, sentence structure, etc). I never went to school for that sort of thing and have never taken special classes. It is one of those hidden talents I suppose I have always had and have just had a great opportunity to develop it at work. Sometimes, my ability to notice simple details is uncanny.

However, I don't believe my 'keen attention to detail' skill has happened by accident. I believe many of us who struggle w/ SSA all have those special abilities but perhaps just haven't noticed it. We (SSA guys) use it everyday in the form of 'gaydar', our special sixth sense. Some of us have better gaydar than others, or are more tuned into our sixth sense. And this gaydar spills over into other areas in our lives; hence, the ability I have to notice things or details that others might not.

Here's an interesting article I came across that supports this belief:

May 27, 2010
Mail Online

Gaydar really exists: Scientists prove gay people are more able to pick out fellow homosexuals.

Gay people really do have an inbuilt radar that helps them seek out like-minded souls, scientists have shown. This sixth sense, or 'gaydar', ensures they pay more attention to detail, allowing them to pluck potential partners out of a crowd.

The Dutch researchers looked at whether straight and gay people focus their attention differently when faced with a problem.

A total of 42 men and women were shown pictures of outlines of large squares and rectangles, each of which was packed with smaller shapes. Our brains are wired to take in the bigger picture, meaning that if we are shown a square filled with rectangles and asked what is inside, we can easily be fooled into saying 'squares'.

When the men and women were asked similar questions, the heterosexuals replied more quickly but were less accurate, the journal Frontiers in Cognition reports.

The homosexuals took longer but got more answers right, particularly when asked about the smaller shapes, suggesting they were able to see the small details as well as the bigger picture. Or they were able to see the trees as well as the wood.


In everyday life, this attention to detail could help them work out people's sexuality.

Researcher Dr Lorenza Colzato, of Leiden University in the Netherlands, said: 'This is the first time that scientific proof has been found for the existence of a gaydar mechanism amongst homosexuals. This perceptual skill allows homosexuals to recognise other gay people faster and we think it's because they are much more analytic than heterosexuals.'

Adopting such a perceptual style presumably increases the likelihood of detecting perceptual clues indicative of homosexual orientation, which facilitates finding like-minded social peers and potential friends and sex mates.


Most definitely food for thought, wouldn't you say?

Anyhow, even though this SSA/lust problem of mine has led to many, many problems, consequences, and addictions in my life, on the flip side it has also blessed my life in numerous ways.


Monday, January 21, 2013

Worn Down

As I write this I am soooo wanting to go down to the basement (here at work), lock myself in the private bathroom, and view some raunchy porn and masturbate. I am really, really trying to fight my  DP. He's wanting to take the wheel like no other and let me zone out for awhile.

But I'm fighting a good fight. I'm resisting! Here in a bit I'm going to leave work and go do something healthy (NOT cruise or any of that bullshit).

My resistance has been so weak lately. I feel like a stone that has had all the sharp edges worn down to smooth, rounded surfaces. That's what this addiction has done to me. >:( It seems that lately I only need one tiny thought or memory flash through my mind and I there's just nothing left inside of me to fight it or keep those thoughts at bay. I immediately turn it into a full-on jerk off/porn fest, which inevitably just gives me more mental fuel for my addict for the next time. Oy vey.

Or if I go out in public, it just takes that one person to cross my path until I'm lusting after him from stem to stern. Yesterday this happened at church of all places! I was going to my next meeting and I passed a guy who was leaning up against the wall. His shlong was totally pokey-outey in his dress slacks. I carried that stupid image around in my fucking head all day! It was a bitch to fight not taking that simple, stupid image into the restroom and taking care of business.

Just another fucking day in paradise. Blah.


Thursday, January 17, 2013

Crash & Burn

Yep, just like the title says. I fell off the wagon pretty hard core. I acted out w/ a guy last week. It didn't go further than mutual masturbation, but he did jack me off for awhile - almost to the point of orgasm. I never touched his, however. But I did touch his legs, chest, arms, etc. Gag em. Writing about it now, it does seem pretty gay (e.g. touchy-feely shit).

Last Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday were all bad days last week. I was in my disease pretty heavy. I surfed and responded to several Craigslist ads on Tuesday and Wednesday morning and Wednesday afternoon and night I blew off all my obligations and cruised the parks, bathrooms, Craigslist posts, etc. looking for some action. In the midst of it all I went home for dinner. Actually, only my physical self went home for dinner, b/c my mind was far from home. Later that night I told my wife I was leaving for my SA group like usual, but in reality I went back to the park to cruise some more. I finally found what I was looking for at about 10pm. We drove to an underpass and did our carnal deed together. Did I mention he scooped my cum up off my stomach and ate it? Um, yea, pretty trashy shit.

Then Thursday morning I was still jazzed up. I surfed some raunchy porn and masturbated 4 more times. I think I finally got it out of my system early afternoon and the fog started to lift. I actually ended up going to my Therapy group that night, which was nice, although I didn't feel like I should be there. I realize that's my DP telling me that, however. Group is the very best place I could and should be.

So since last Thursday, I haven't cruised or surfed Craigslist ads or acted out w/ anyone or done any of that shit thank the Lord. But I have surfed porn and masturbated pretty regularly. :( And I still haven't found the balls to tell my wife about last week's tête-à-tête w/ the dude. I know I will (have to) eventually. I just don't want to hurt her (again). It fucking sucks to be an addict.

On the bright side of things, I'm feeling much better these past few days. I'm hoping it sticks for awhile.



Monday, January 7, 2013

My Body is a Temple

I have to write about something that happened on Friday night that really freaked me out big time.

I've been doing really well w/ regards to my addiction and can still report 12/21/12 as my abstinance date. However, that almost changed last Friday. I was at home (w/ my family) and needed to run downstairs to grab something out of the office. I noticed that the blinds were open so I grabbed the blind rod/stick to twist to close the blinds. The blind rod broke off of the top section and dropped to the floor. As I picked up the blind rod to try and reattach it I had an evil, warm, provocative wave of temptation come over me. I grabbed a bottle of lotion and ran and locked myself in the bathroom and sounded myself w/ the blind rod. The blind rod is quite a bit larger in diameter than my pee hole and urethra so it did hurt/sting a bit when I was forcing it in (which actually gave me more of a sensuous, carnal, hedonistic rush). Man, I'm so fucked up. :(  Anyhow, I pushed the blind rod all the way down my shaft a few times (though I did not masturbate while doing it) and when I pulled it out I noticed it had a slight bloody tinge. No biggy. I've seen that before. I cleaned up and went back upstairs.

A few hours later I decided to take a tub. I honestly had NO INTENTION of doing anything when I got in, but I guess my brain was still simmering on dopamine. I was only in the tub for 5 minutes before that all-too-familiar wave started to come over me again and I sounded myself w/ a head massager wire prong. Felt great, but that wasn't enough, er, not erotic or big or kinky enough. So I grabbed my wife's beaded bracelet that I bought her on our honeymoon. I thought it would feel great b/c it's shaped kind of like anal beads and would fit perfectly down my shaft to give me a similar sensation. Any sentimentality was completely thrown out the window as I lubed the beads up and fed them all the way in. I began to slowly and gently masturbate as the beads were in but then, just as I have waves of eroticism and perversion come over me, I had a wave of "what the fuck am I doing? It's a new year and I'm NOT doing to fuck all of this up now and drag all this shit into the new year! Knock it off!"

So I slowly pulled the beaded bracelet out of my penis but here was a bunch of dark red blood that came out too. I about shit myself! I have NEVER seen that before. Gulp. I quickly showered off and then offered a prayer of repentence and forgiveness and asked for God to heal my penis (how sick and twisted does that sound)? As I urinated that night before bed I noticed there was a slight reddish tinge in my urine. Nothing too scary. I thought maybe my internal cut or scrape or whatever the hell was going on had healed itself.

The real scare came the next morning when I noticed I had bloody dark red blotches ALL OVER in my white garment bottoms and there was even some on the sheets! Sincerely, there were a dozen or more. I couldn't believe what I was seeing! You can only imagine the fear and anxiety I immediately felt, and am still feeling as I write this post. Thank goodness there have been no more blood spots in my underwear yesterday or today and no reddish tinges in my urine when I pee, but I do have a weird dull aching on the left side of my groin area.

I hope and pray that my urethra/penis will heal and that I can always remember the fear and shock and worry I have/am feeling so that I won't be disposed to do this (sound myself) again. I hope nothing really terrible happens, such as blood poisoning or kidney/bladder infection or something like that. Am I going to be able to slip thru the cracks again and come out clean as a whistle or am I going to have to pay? Of course my DP keeps telling me I deserve it for being such a wicked, fucked-up, kinky, deviant freak. We'll see how the week goes. Gulp.



Thursday, January 3, 2013

A New Year

A new year is upon us. So far (3 days into it) I'm doing well. I would really, REALLY like to leave some of this sex addiction shit behind me in 2012. 2012 was a bad year for my DP and I want to keep him far away and out of 2013.

Although I wanted to keep an abstinance date of 12/12/12, I unfortunately completely lost control on 12/21/12. I was home alone and escaped up to my bathroom to watch some of the most... (horrifying and extremely perveted in my sober mind, but wonderfully hot and dirty to my DP)..porn I have ever stumbled upon. I was completely lost in a sea of dopamine to the extent I was out of touch w/ reality; in a gray zone. In addition to porn, I sounded myself w/ a blind rod until I bled a bit out of my pee hole. Um, so not good. But really hot at the time. And even now looking back. :P

Since that day, I have teeteered back and forth. Last year on New Years Eve (2011) I was together w/ my family celebrating the New Year. At 5 minutes to midnight, I went into the bathroom and quickly rubbed one out. One last time for the road, I justified to myself. I thought about doing the same thing this New Years Eve, but surprisingly, I did not. Yeah, me!

So anyway, as of today, Jan 03, I'm still abstinant, though I sure wish I could say I was sober too. I feel like if just the right person or situaton came along I would falter. Or if I let myself dwell on my nasty thoughts or memories just a titch too long I would completely stumble.

But for now, it's smooth sailing.
Here's to a great new year!